Holy Updates....

New blog page

I've decided this blog has run it's course. I haven't been on in over a year, and I could barely remember my password. I have plans to start another blog page and will update this when/if I decide to go through with that page. 

:) 

K

Dreams...What do they mean?

So I finally remembered a dream! Yay me! I don't normally remember them, I don't even know if I do dream every night. I know the experts will say everyone dreams, but I can't help thinking that I don't dream as often as everyone else.

Anyway, my dream involved someone I haven't talked to in probably 6 years but I recently found and friended them on Facebook. I will just call him BS, since I don't know him well enough to know if he cares about me putting his name out there.

He's older than me, I won't say how much, and we met at the bar (of all places) through mutual friends and my dad. My dream was of me and BS coming home from work together, making dinner together, and sleeping together. Actual sleeping, not the xxx kind.

I will admit, I used to be...let's say infatuated with him years ago. He was older, really hot, and promises were made during an alcohol-fueled man auction at the bar one night. Sadly, those promises were not kept, but things changed, I moved and we lost contact. (Not that we really saw each other outside of the bar. That sounds horrible, doesn't it?)

Well, I wish I knew what it meant. He has a girlfriend, I'm in FL, and it is said (myth or not, who knows) that when someone misses you, you dream of them. I've also heard that when you can't sleep at night, it means someone is dreaming of you. Doesn't that mean I should ask him how he slept last night? Hardly. I wouldn't want to have to explain myself and reasons for asking.

I'm sure he's happy with what's-her-face (not being bitchy, I just don't remember right now), and I refuse to be a 1,300 mile-away-home-wrecker.

Regardless of my past infatuation with him, I think I'll just keep the dream details to myself and think fondly on memories.

Who knows...maybe its just my subconscious telling me to get laid. Lol.

Annoying neighbors...

Stupid fucking people!

So this guy (one of the neighbors behind us) was nice enough to come over around 3 pm today to warn us that his son was going to have his 17th birthday party tonight, it shouldn't go too late but he wanted to warn us that they might get a little loud. The whole 'kids will be kids' thing. Nice to have notice, especially with the baby and the dogs here.

Well, about an hour ago, just when I was going to lay down to try to get some sleep before work tomorrow, I hear kids in the backyard, closer than they were previously. I thought they were from the party and just talking louder than the rest, so I listened but didn't really pay too close attention to them. Until I heard one boy laugh, say something about cops being around, and then I hear running feet on the bark chips outside my window. I hear the boys (more than 2 but idk how many for sure) saying 'jump the fence' and 'get the gate' and laughing. I went outside, mainly because I didn't know if they were in our yard or the neighbor's yard. (and apparently I don't have any sense of self-preservation. I mean, they could have been there or had weapons.)
 When I opened the utility door from the garage, I smelled the pot and heard the people at the party laughing and yelling about cops being there but not being let in, so they thought they were fine. I went to Dad n G'ma and told them what I saw, smelled, and heard, and as usual, G'ma didn't want to get involved, until I told her the kids broke the fence. She went out and yelled at them to stay out of her yard.

Then Dad come out, with his new 10,000 candle-watt flashlight he bought yesterday and freaked the f*uck out of the kids. G'ma come in the call the cops to document the damage for the home owners insurance while Dad stood as a sentinel in the backyard because the little n*gger kids were threatening to kick his ass if they were on the other side of the fence.

They broke an entire section of fence in the backyard, trampled a good 20-30 pineapple plants (ripped them up out of the ground), broke out another section of fence on the other side of the house, plus the gate and half section by the garage and my room. They also trampled flower pots n probably left some weed paraphernalia back there too, but the pineapple plants make me itch, so I wasn't staying out there to look.

Such a nice guy, to come warn us that his kid is going to be a douchebag. The cop told us they had 400 kids there. 400! In a house the size of ours! (3 bedrooms, 2 baths, plus a good sized lanai with a pool, so probably a good 2,000 square feet. Same as ours, but we don't have a pool.) The cops couldn't go in, because the 17 yr olds sister said she was responsible, no one was doing anything illegal and the cops couldn't come in without a warrant. So the cops told them to shut it down and go home, as the cops stationed like 4 squads in front of the house and waited for everyone to leave. They got one guy smoking weed in his car on the street and the cop that came here was going back over to try to arrest more, because they still were partying back there, still being loud after the cop told them to shut it down. Very slow and boring day, until I finally am tired enough to lay down. Then the shit hits the fan! And I'm wide awake again. I hope they arrested every single one of those underage assholes who were smoking pot in our backyard and broke our fence. Now I have to worry about G'Ma watching the baby while I'm at work and Dad and Matt fix the fence. G'Ma is a loon on a good day, and a scatterbrain on an ok day. So we'll see what happens. Hopefully I can wind down here in a few and finally get some sleep.

Don't pin that shit on me

I hate when my older brother takes money from my dad's money clip, doesn't ask Dad first, then blames me for taking it when Dad asks him about it. I have no reason to steal money from Dad. Honestly, if I ask for it and give a good reason for it (diapers, wipes, shampoo, etc.), Dad says yes, so why just take it? He's been the one to take money repeatedly, then pay it back when he gets paid, so why try to pin it on me? Man the hell up and say "yea, ya know, paying back all my student loans and other bills left me short this week. Can I borrow a 20 til Thursday?" He gets paid every Thursday, so why not just ask? Or budget yourself better. Don't go out for fast food every single day, sometimes twice, and then bitch about not having any money! I may not be the best when it comes to budgeting my money, but I don't buy a $250 flat screen when I a) have a perfectly good tv at home and b) don't have the money to spare due to other responsibilities/bills. Don't act holier than thou to me just because I choose to have my kids instead of browbeating my girlfriends into having abortions like you did 3 times (that I know of). So piss off. Don't make me the bad guy when you still battle a drug and alcohol addiction

Redneck Wine Tasting

Since I've never had wine before, I decided to get a bottle of a sweet white and a bottle of sweet red, to see which one I liked. Put them in the fridge and promptly forgot they were there. Finally, after about a week, I opened them tonight. Really like the white, not so fond of the red. But maybe it will taste better with a meal instead of just me reading a book after the little one is in bed.

I post these from the internet browser on my cell, since I have choose to stay close to the little one, instead of having Big D or Double G take care of her if she wakes while I'm busy on the laptop rooms away.

Anyway, I decided to go really cheap (why spend $$$$ on a wine I might hate when I can spend $ and figure it out?) So I stopped by the upscale Aldi's and grabbed the bottles. The 'sweet' red really wasn't all that sweet and tasted kind of like what I imagine licking the bottom of a golf shoe might taste like. The sweet white, however, is much better. Sweet, fruity, and not at all dirty.

In the future, I'll probably use the red as a cooking wine or marinade for red meat, instead of a relaxing glass or two in the evening. The sweet white...well, let's just say I will be redneck and grab another bottle this weekend. And make plans to keep it on hand.

I used to drink beer when I went out, sometimes even mixed drinks. Drank a lot of shots too, got into trouble drinking too much. But I'm almost 30. I figure it is time to hang up the beer goggles, so to speak, and grow up. (that statement applies to way more than just drinking in my life, just so you know.)

Now I know which one I like better and how relaxing it really is to sit in a quiet room with a glass of wine and a good book after the little one is down for the night.

A milestone that never should have been...

So tonight, my sweet daughter is going to bed for the first time without a pacifier. I never wanted her to have it, but someone I lived with decided, when I wasn't home, that she needed one. I hate those damn useless annoying face plugs!

But since my sweetie decided to launch not one but both of her pacifiers into the Manatee River this morning while we walked on the RiverWalk with Dad and the dogs, I refuse to buy more.

I firmly believe that pacifiers stunt a child's ability to learn to talk, as well as deforms their mandible and teeth, making braces a higher possibility later in life than a child who does not use a pacifier.

That being said, my daughter had her 15 month check up last week, and everything is golden. Her height and weight are great, she's walking wonderfully, and she's finally growing hair! Lol. She's been a cueball for so long, it is strange to see her with hair. It's almost long enough to put into a Pebbles-esque pony tail atop her head; I just have to teach her to leave it alone.

With everything that has gone sideways and backwards, everything that I've done wrong and the people I've hurt, it feels kinda nice to know that small things are starting to fall into place, which means the big things are more likely to follow. I can't wait until I am finally able to right some of the wrongs I've done.

So ready to give up...

I'm ready to just give up. I can't see my oldest daughter, since I got screwed over and stabbed in the back by someone who I thought was a good friend, and had for almost 13 years. I was starting the process to get visitation back in Fall 2011, after my second child was born, and right before I was served with the papers to appear in court to discuss visitation, my "friend" kicked me out. And to this day, I still have not gotten a straight answer about why she kicked me out. All she has said is that is was my fault, I treated her and her family like crap. But she refuses to give any examples of what specifically I did to piss her off. So I can only imagine the reasons, which means I'm probably wrong. But thank you so much for screwing me over.

Oh, and now I find out that she is great friends with my first daughter's father and his wife. Probably putting thoughts into his head about how I'm so horrible and I shouldn't be allowed around my kid. Worst part of all is that I did nothing wrong. NOTHING. I did nothing to deserve being treated like this.

But it all started with my mother. When she told me she was paying or helping to pay for his lawyer in family court, I knew I was screwed seven ways to Sunday. I knew that everything was falling apart. I knew that people who said they loved me, who said they wouldn't treat me like I was the bane of the earth, would. And they did. It took some longer than others, but the only person who has ever said they wouldn't screw me over, and actually stood by their word, was my dad. And I treated him the worst of everyone!
jsh
So explain this to me. I treat people as nicely as I can stomach, while getting nothing in return, except knives in my back and lies spread. But when I try to call someone on their lies or I attempt to tale the high road and ignore the treatment I receive, I'm the one who is wrong. I'm the one who shouldn't be around my daughter. I'm the one who gets chastised for trying to live my life and falling in love with someone (even if I was blind to his actions and wasn't really in love) and having his baby, then dealing with him going to jail and prison and the prospect of raising my second child alone.
Yes, I have made mistakes. I fully admit that. But why should I be thought of as a bad mother to one child, simply because I chose to have another child with someone else? I cannot sit around every day and wallow in the misery of losing a child to lies, deceit, and selfishness.

Don't get me wrong. I have tried to contact my daughter. But when her father refuses to return my calls, and has refused since Christmas 2010 even though the courts never said anything about me not being able to call her, just outlined visitation times, it makes it so much harder to try to stay in contact.

Letters I sent to every address I had for her father were never returned and never responded to. Not my fault. Does make me a bad mother.

Every phone call, phone message, text message, and Facebook message to him and his wife were never returned. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.

I got screwed out of a stable place to live less than a month after I filed paperwork to start visitation again and had to moved 50 miles away from the city court was in, and had no ride or money for a cab or a babysitter for the day of court. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.

What started everything was that I chose a guy over my daughter. I know, I was wrong. I was immature and thought nothing would happen, no consequences. That easy fault but still doesn't make me a bad mother. My daughter was never in any danger, despite what people involved may think. She was never alone, never hurt, never in danger. In fact, she's in more danger now, being told her mother doesn't want her, than she ever was with me.

I'm not even sure why I'm putting all this out on the internet. It won't make a difference. Even if I could file for a court date, I have to be in WI to do it, and for court or mediation or whatever the court wants, and I am living 1300 miles away. I can't physically be in court, because I don't have the money for plane tickets and hotel rooms and food, nor do I have anyone who can loan me the money. I love with my grandma, and there are 4 adults and my 16 month old daughter in the house. Only one adult is working; I can't until I get a FL ID or drivers license and I can't do that until I get my birth certificate, which could take up to another month to arrive. So we are all "surviving" on my grandmother's Social Security income, which is enough for bills and food - the essentials - but not much more. So flying back and forth to WI isn't in the cards at the moment.

But why can't I talk to my daughter on the phone? Why have you kept her from writing to me? Or writing to grandpa? I don't even need a letter from her, she can write to grandpa and I will stay out of it. I just want to know she is alive and happy and well.

Is that really too much to ask?

Happy Birthday

So today is my lovely daughter's birthday. I, sadly and by my own horrible and selfish decisions, have not seen her for more than 2 years. In fact, it will be 3 years next May since I spent any real time with her; last actual time I saw her in person was at her school winter concert. You may not be able to tell, but it kills me every day to know that I have no one to blame but myself for this situation of not being a proper mother to my child. Sure, I have tried to reason with myself about why I chose the decisions I did, telling myself I was young and immature and didn't fully realize the consequences of my actions. Or telling myself that, since her dad remarried, my daughter would have a mother-figure and she would be ok.

But I can't hide behind those words anymore. The truth is, I chose a guy and a relationship over my daughter. I am not proud of what I did. I'm really not. It hurts me every day to know that my child is growing up without me, because of my selfishness, because I thought I was better than everyone, that no one could destroy my perfect world.

Boy was I wrong! Someone did destroy it. ME! I destroyed it. I took a beautiful little girl who was stuck in the sad place of having mommy and daddy not together, of having to go back and forth to Grandpa's to see mommy, and I threw it all away.

My little girl is now in 5th grade. I've missed so much, and I'll never be able to get it back. And it's all my fault. Dealing with the consequences of other peoples' actions is one thing...but dealing with the consequences of your own actions and the how those consequences affect someone you should have loved and protected above all else...it is very humbling.

I should have realized all this years ago, but apparently, I needed the time to mature and pull my head out of whatever orifice or hold in the ground it was in, because now I fully understand the importance of not leaving my child behind, of not choosing a relationship over my own flesh and blood.

So, that being said, I apologize to everyone that I hurt, especially my sweetheart of a daughter. I'm so sorry I let my body make decisions and not my brain. I hope you can forgive me, eventually. I know I have no right to expect you to forgive me right now. I just hope you don't hate me. I hope you don't have any problems that stem from me being so unstable in the past. I promise that my life is getting back on track and I will do what is needed to make you proud of me again.

I love you honey. And I'm so sorry.

Life Sentence

I just love eating tasteless, burned food. Every time she cooks (which is almost every night, since she doesn't trust anyone else in 'her' kitchen), she starts cooking between 3 and 3:30pm, then leaves it sit on the stove or in the oven for at least an hour before we eat at 5:30. Like today, for example...beef stew meat in the pan by 3:15, smells like burning meat. Its now almost 4:45 and the burner is still on medium heat, no extra water in the pan. She uses no spices when she cooks, claiming she can't digest them, but when anyone else manages to cook n use spices, she gobbles up the food like its the best since sliced bread.
She still ignores me. Would I be wrong to keep my daughter from interacting with her while she stubbornly ignores me? I treat grandma like I treat the kid's sperm donor...you don't want to be around "that baby", then I will make sure you won't be. Why should she get the joy of playing with her, when she not only ignores me but counteracts everything I say and do with MY daughter. I say don't feed the dogs, only adults do it...grandma makes her feed the dogs after lunch today. I say popsicle after dinner as dessert, grandma says she can't have it cuz she "can't digest cold things", yet grandma fed her ice cream the day before. How are ice cream and Popsicles any different from each other??
Oh, and she won't let anyone else clean 'her' kitchen, but she won't even use soap most of the time to wash dishes. She waters down the dish soap and laundry soap and dishwasher soap, trying to save money, yet it costs more to do it her way, seeing as she has to wash everything 2 and 3 and 4 times with watered down soap just to get things clean. But she doesn't see it that way.

I can't wait to get out of here. As my brother (who is also staying here) said, "I didn't realize living with grandma meant a life sentence."

There are no words...

There really are no words for her. She is spiteful, rude, crude, angry, and thinks no one but her is right. I sometimes think that my grandpa died in '08 just to get away from that horrible woman. I know it's not true, but I do wonder. She is insufferable and no amount of talking, yelling, arguing, or ignoring changes anything.

The worst part of it is the constant inconsistencies in what she says and does, but doesn't see. She refuses to have anyone but her do the laundry, yet she constantly forgets to put soap in, or she puts in enough clothes for an extra large load but only sets the machine for a medium load (to 'save money' as she says), or my personal favorite, when she puts a pair of shorts into the dryer for a few seconds before handing it out to dry (we hang everything cuz we are in Florida, so why use the dryer) because those few seconds in the dryer 'keeps the shorts from wrinkling'. Those were her exact words. She won't even consider the fact that the clothes wrinkle when you fold them or wear them. That doesn't matter. The clothes must be wrinkle free when you first put them on. Being wrinkle free doesn't matter much when the clothes still smell of body odor, sweat, food, ect., whatever was on the clothes when they were put in the wash!

I know I should bite my tongue because she's my grandma, but she can't do anything right. It wears on me, because I'm always wrong. It's like living with my mother again...I'm never right, whatever I do with my daughter is wrong. She says she raised 4 kids so she knows what she's doing. The problem is, if you looked at the problems her kids have, she didn't do such a great job raising them at all! I know I'm not perfect by any means, but when someone tells me I have an attitude or a problem, I can at least look at my actions and, begrudgingly, admit my faults. I couldn't do that a few months ago, but grandma can't do it at all. Her favorite comeback is "well, I'm 82. I've been doing it this way for 30 years. Don't yell at me. I have rights too and I'll just call the cops for elder abuse cuz you keep yelling." But she can't call for elder abuse, cuz in order for it to be elder abuse in FL, the person has to have guardianship over her, like (what's the word...) when someone names someone in their living will as the person to make medical or financial decisions if she becomes unable to do so. I forget what the term is, and since I'm on my mobile, I can't look it up at the moment.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I hate putting it out where the public can see it, but maybe someone can help me get through this without losing my mind or completely washing my hands of one of the few family members that have always, and I mean ALWAYS, stood by me and didn't say a word against my bad decisions.

Although her car transmission did die in her car today, so her attitude is so much worse, but I can't give her any leeway, because any given is used and abused. If anyone says anything, they are wrong. But if no one says anything, she won't shut up, asking everyone what she did wrong to piss them off. It is a never ending cycle.

9 days....

So I've been in Florida for 9 days now and things have been...difficult. The grandma I knew isn't here anymore. She wakes up in such a horrible mood every day, for no known reason either to herself or someone else, yet gets upset when we either don't talk to her due to her attitude or when we say something about her attitude. Whether we do or don't, we are wrong.

It is like living with my mother again. How I raise my daughter is wrong, how I feed her is wrong, how I dress her is wrong. It is 80+ degrees daily here in Florida and, since we (my daughter and I) had previously lived in WI, my daughter isn't really acclimated to the FL heat yet. But my grandma, who has lived in FL for almost 30 years, thinks 75 degrees is cold and thinks I should dress my daughter in long sleeves and pants when the high is forecasted to be lower than 80.

I'm not sure if my grandma has Alzheimer's or dementia or if she has always been like this and just put on an act while we visited FL or she and grandpa (R.I.P.) visited WI. I don't know what is going on with her, but she makes me want to go back to WI. It really is worse than living with my mother.

Very rarely will anyone be able to have a conversation with her about anything of importance. She complains about bills, but will buy crap she doesn't need or insist on paying for something for me or my daughter that I can pay for. It is very tiring, stressful, depressing, any other word you can think of.

24 hours to go...

*sigh* 

Just 24 short hours and we will be in the airport, getting our tickets and fighting our way through security lines and terminals to the gate. I have so much still to accomplish before leaving, but the day doesn't seem long enough. CDL has, for the last 3 days, decided to try to get me on Florida time before we even leave the state by waking up between 4 and 5 am. It is a struggle for me, not just as a single mom but because I have so much stress and worries that it is hard for me to fall asleep at night and even harder to get up that early when I have no reason to be. I know she can feel how stressed I am and she can tell that something is different, that change is coming. I have tried to be calm and not let her know how stressed I am, but you know what they say about kids being more intuitive than adults. They can sense things before they even understand what is going on. 

On top of the worries about moving and flying with an almost-13 month old, I worry about losing my best friend. I know things happened that should not have, and I have tried to apologize and try to mend the fences, so to speak, but they are resistant. I do not blame them; I just wish they would see that I am trying to do what is right, what I should have done 10 months ago. I want to apologize and make things better. We were (what I thought was) best friends for more than 12 years, but looking back, I see that it was not the case. Whether they see this or not; whether they agree with this or not; whether this post causes them to hate me forever or see things from my point of view; whatever happens, I need to set the record straight for myself, so I am able to live, knowing I did not hide my feelings. 

I have deleted the posts I made in January 2013 and shortly after, because they were written in haste and hate. The underlying reasons for writing those posts are still evident; however, the emotions were too strong and I should not have posted those posts under those so quickly. 

Now, I would like to keep their friendship but I do not see that as being possible. Looking back on those 12 years of friendship...it was not really friendship. It was using me to get what you wanted. (I use 'you' to avoid using real names. If you are offended, you are either involved, or have been involved in a similar situation.) You dated almost every guy I did in high school, AFTER I did. You had kids with 2 of them, and married the second! The only one you did not have anything to do with, to my knowledge, was the father of my oldest, because he did not want you. But every other guy I dated, you dated. That doesn't really bother me, except it makes me feel like you were only my 'friend' because you enjoyed being around boys you wouldn't have been around otherwise. But enough about that. It was 12 years ago, I am over being used.

There are other reasons why I don't see our friendship ever being repaired, but I won't go into those now. It is seemingly pointless to write about issues here, when they will not own up to their faults (no one wants to do that, even me), and are not willing to open a dialogue about anything. I tried to apologize and tried to put things right, or even in the right direction, but everything I said was met with hostility and anger. I know I did something wrong, but after 9 months, let it go and move on. Accept that I was trying to make things right, trying to reverse the anger and resentment. But I guess some people are incapable of accepting apologies, incapable of seeing someone's desire to right their wrongs. 

The biggest reason I do not see our friendship surviving is because of the way you feel the need to put me down and make me as miserable as you. You had this idea that I would have the marriage, the house with the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the loving husband, the golden retriever and the mini-van. YOU thought that was what I wanted, not me. Now you have a miserable marriage that neither of you want to work on to try to fix, you have kids that have no respect for you, your husband, or anyone else. But I am not here to play the blame game. You said you had all these ideals of where I would be and where you would be by now. I can't help that you did not have such high thoughts and goals for yourself until it happened. I'm glad that you are in school and are buying a house. Good for you both. But do not tell me that I wasted my life because I chose a different path than the one YOU wanted for me. 

I have 2 beautiful daughters, granted I do not have a relationship with my oldest, a situation I will change. I just need to get my life together first. I admit, I have made some decisions that I regret and those decisions are the reason why I am moving to Florida. I do not have a stable support system here, and I need support. I need my family, the people that have had my back since day one, all through my bad decisions, no matter what. I will get my oldest daughter back...I just need to get my life together and on the right track first. I have a family that loves me, through good times and bad, good decisions and bad. I thought of you as family, but that changed when you promised to invite me to your wedding as your maid of honor, and then got married without ever notifying me. You got married and I had to find out about it through your Facebook page and your photos. It just shows how well you really thought of me. I guess that is all I can really expect. You never had family that was there for you through thick and thin. 

So back to the main topic...in 24 hours, I will be at the airport, trying to get through security with CDL and our carry-ons, praying that CDL behaves and is not annoying to the rest of the people on the plane. The last time I flew with a child, I was 17, my oldest was 4 months, and I flew with my dad and his girlfriend at the time. So if I needed to use the restroom or wanted to get something to eat, Dad could take her. I do not have that option now, which scares me and worries me and makes me wish I had someone to go with me. CDL is normally well-behaved while around other people, but now that I have said that, she will be a terror. :-) 

I will probably update again once we are in Florida and settled down. I am not sure when I will have internet access when I get there, as I will probably be busy settling in for a while and chasing CDL around and hoping Dad's dogs get along with CDL. Yet another thing to worry about. Is 8 AM too early to have a drink?! I feel like I need one, after being up for 4 hours already. 

But I shall talk to ya'll later. Loves and blessings.

And I will walk 1300 miles....

Or fly 1300 miles, actually.

So I know I said I would write more in the next 2 weeks, but as usual, life kind of took over all my time. Then I found out one of my friends from college has been battling breast cancer all summer, so that threw me for a loop. 

So I have 8 days until our flight to Florida. I can't believe the time has gone by so fast. I still have so much to do and so much to ship. The day we leave will have a high temp of 53, when we land it will be 84 in Florida. Such a big change, especially with going through O'Hare Airport with an almost-13 month old who has never flown and the last time I flew with a child, it was my other kid who was only 4 months old and I was flying with her, my dad, and his (at the time) girlfriend, so if there was an issue or I had to use the restroom, one of them could watch her. I don't have the luxury this time around. 

Honestly, I'm kind of scared. I've living in WI all my life, and now I'm packing up everything I own (that I can afford to ship; the rest will be Goodwill'd or just thrown away) to move 1300 miles to a state I have visited only a handful of times. I will be going when it is the 'winter' down there, so I don't have to deal with the high temps right away. It will just be a temperature shock those first few days as we adjust to 80s instead of 50s. I'm scared to live with my grandma, because it is her house and I don't want to seem ungrateful or imposing. I'm scared to live with my dad and my older brother again, because I don't get along with my brother at all and my dad is recovering from surgery and has his own issues to deal with. I'm scared to go down there, but I'm also afraid to go down there and have to hide who I am. Which I will probably have to do, because I don't want to cause more issues than I already am by moving down there. 

It is a huge fuster-cluck, moving, packing, selling, re-packing, wondering if my roommate (ex-boyfriend) will actually pay me what he says he will for the truck. I'm keeping the title until I get the total amount anyway, because I'm not taking the chance that he's going to keep telling me all the crap he needs to do to the truck before he pays me anything. If he doesn't pay me anything before I leave, I will junk the truck myself and take a cab to the airport. He seems to have more excuses as to why he can't pay me than a mental hospital has patients. 

Anyway, I have been feeling very alone lately. I don't have my best friend to talk to; I don't have a boyfriend worthy of my emotional and physical issues; I have a wonderful child that I feel like I can't even pay proper attention to because I have so many thoughts in my head that I can barely remember to use the restroom or feed myself. Maybe I'm feeling a little depressed at the thought of leaving the state that I have lived in for 28 years.

Speaking of 28 years! I was sick on my birthday with an Upper Respiratory Infection and Pneumonia, so I couldn't even be excited for the day of my birth, because every time I did something that got my heart rate or breathing up, I would cough uncontrollably. I'm feeling better now, but I think my daughter has something now. Not pneumonia or a URI but definitely a cold. So she feels like poo, I have so much going on in my head that I can't sleep, and we have just 8 short days until everything is finalized and we are in the sky, flying our way to Sarasota/Bradenton Airport. 

Breast Cancer Awareness Month ~ October

I just found out last night that one of my friends from college has been battling breast cancer all summer, at age 27. She has no family history on either side of any kind of cancer, and is currently on her second round of Chemo. Please, if you haven't had one already, schedule a mammogram. I don't care if your doc says mammograms are only for women who are menopausal or whatever excuse they try to give you. Fight for the mammogram, because even a small lump can go undetected for years without a mammogram. My friend's surgeon said she may have had the lump for 10 years before she felt it in her monthly self exam. Finding the lump lead her to decide on a double mastectomy and rounds of Chemo. The surgeon also found cancer cells in her lymph nodes under one of her arms. 

Needless to say, I had a hard time sleeping last night, because my mind just kept going on and on about the "what if" scenarios...what if I were to get cancer? What would I do with my daughters? How would I tell them? Would I be strong enough to get through it without having a nervous breakdown? My mind just wouldn't stop. I don't have any family history of breast cancer in ether side of my family, but my grandfather did have prostate cancer and skin cancer, and you never really know where those cancer cells are going to decide to stop and set up camp.

After reading my friends' blog, I was amazed at how she was able to keep her head (mostly) while dealing with the diagnosis and all the options, doctor appointments, surgeries, and the prospect of losing her breasts. I believe she is a much stronger woman than I am, because I am not sure if I would have taken to the situation the way she did, were I in her shoes. 

You know, I found myself thinking, over the weekend, of all the things I have to do before we move to Florida on Oct 23rd, all the packing, selling, throwing away, organizing, and then, when I read her blog about her cancer battle, everything seemed to be put into perspective. The things I thought were so big and important and stressful, really weren't as bad as I thought. I was dealing with throwing away things I hadn't used in 10 years but still felt an emotional attachment to; packing things I thought I wanted just because I had spent hard earned money on it; but what I didn't realize is all the problems I thought were huge and insurmountable were really small and insignificant compared to what I could have been facing. 

I won't use names and I might have posted too much info about her already (since I didn't get her permission before writing this post, I tried to use as little identifying information as possible), but please, if anyone actually reads my blog, male or female, please get checked for breast cancer, whether you have a family history of it or not. Just doing self checks once a month obviously isn't good enough anymore. 

My friend, I commend you on your battle with something not many people could face with your sense of humor, determination, and faith. I know it has been years since we have seen or really talked with each other, but if there is anything that I can ever do for you, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Small Update...

So it has been a long time since my last post and a lot of things have changed. I had another baby, she's a year old now. I lost one of my best friends over stupid decisions I made. I am moving to Florida in 2 weeks because of those decisions, and others, to be around my family. It is a long story, and I hope to update everything soon, probably with multiple posts over the next 2 weeks, whenever I can manage to sit down for a few minutes and gather my thoughts long enough to get things in the right order. 

So I hope to be posting a lot more in the next 2 weeks, to get everyone up to date. Sorry I have been so absent...lots of things on my mind and IRL that are affecting me and my ability to get things done. 

But I will be back!

I don't think I can do this alone...

So I had my beautiful baby girl this past Wednesday. She's wonderful. I love her to pieces. I just don't think I can do this alone. I find myself crying at random things, feeling like nothing I do will ever be good enough, like I'm never going to be able to provide for my daughters without relying on other people. I miss her dad, which is stupid, because all he did was hurt me, but if he were here, at least I wouldn't be alone. There would be someone to help me at night, someone to talk to when I feel like crying, someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

Just STOP!

I know that my friends mean the best and want the best for me and probably don't realize this, but it is irritating, annoying, and downright mean and hurtful sometimes to constantly tell me that I was stupid for being with Rick, that I "got what I deserved" (meaning getting pregnant by him instead of leaving him), and that I should just give her up instead of have him in my life for the rest of mine. If I really wanted your opinions, I would ask you or talk to you about it. But...since I don't talk to you about him or any of the issues that I'm having/feelings I'm feeling, don't just think that you can blurt out your thoughts like I should just follow what you say and not think for myself. Yea, I realize that I could have been smarter and left him long ago, or not even started dating him. I realize that I should have left him alone when he went to jail in March. I would leave now if I didn't need the money to provide a place to sleep for my child when she arrives in less than 2 months, because I don't have any savings. Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda....hindsight is always 20/20, and believe me, there isn't anything you or anyone else can tell me that I probably haven't thought of or told myself already. So please....Unless I solicit your opinions, keep them to yourself. I am a strong person, and I will get through this. Now if you want to offer your help, that's fine. But really, I am 26, almost 27, and I don't need people telling me the obvious, or telling me what I should think, feel, do, or anything else. 

Sometimes, I just feel like walking into the lake and not allowing my head to come back above water. It's been so long since I actually thought that I was going to be fine and be able to provide for myself, that I wonder if that's even possible anymore. Maybe I am a failure, like my egg donor's parents said 16 years ago. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore about all of this, how I'm feeling, because my grandma, dad, and older brother (not that I really talked to my brother) are all in Florida, and my best friend has her family 2 hours away. Yea, I live with a friend and co-worker, but we aren't that close where I can tell him things that are bothering me, or issues that I'm having with trying to stay away from the guy that knocked me up then went to jail for domestic abuse, only to be sentenced to just disorderly conduct and receive 18 months probation. 


I can't do this on my own, but I know I'm going to have to learn quickly how to, because there is no one else I can count on but myself. (Although there are days (more often than not) when I really just want to climb into bed and have someone else make all the decisions for me.) 

So much has happened.......

It's been so long since I wrote anything and so much has happened. I'm happy to say that I'm about 12 weeks pregnant...BUT....the father isn't in the picture, because he is in jail for domestic abuse against me. He isn't actually charged with domestic; rather he's been charged with disorderly conduct, resisting an officer (cuz he ran when I called the cops on him), and intimating a victim (cuz he broke the mandatory 72 hour restraining order by calling me 84 times in less than 8 hours.) 

I hate feeling this alone, like I'm not worth anything or anyone. It's hard, because I have had problems all my life with feeling inadequate, feeling worthless, and feeling like I'm not worth it for anyone to date, marry, or spend their life with, like I'm only good as a sex partner. I hate feeling like that, but how can I change it? How can I change how I feel about myself, when I'm all alone? How do I love myself, when no one loves me? 

Anyway, I'm excited and nervous about the baby. I find out in a few months what I'm going to have, but I'm just hoping that the baby is healthy and nothing goes wrong. I wish with everything that I am that the baby is healthy. I can't imagine what it would do to me. I have wanted another child for so long, that if I were to lose this one, it would probably destroy me, regardless of how much it hurts to be away from him. 

God, it hurts so much.....more than when my daughter's father broke up with me, more than when my mother said she wished she never had me, more than when my grandfather died. I don't know why it hurts so bad, other than maybe it hurts so bad because I feel so alone? I don't even know. That makes it hard too, not knowing for sure which emotions are what, which ones come from which trigger. I wish I had the option to talk to someone that could help, but I don't have a therapist anymore, and all my friends that I would talk to are busy with their lives,. too busy to be bothered with my many problems. I don't blame them, it's all part of being an adult, having to take care of yourself and your own problems. Still, it would be nice to be able to talk to someone that didn't tell me that they have nothing to say. I don't want someone to tell me what to do or how to feel; just someone to listen and be sympathetic, let me cry on their shoulder and release all these pent-up emotions. But I can't do that. I've always been the strong one, the one to suffer silently. Like Bella Swan, as Rick said many times. I hide my feelings, because to show my feelings is to set myself up to get hurt. Well, whether I show my feelings or not, I still get hurt, so what's the point in hiding or showing off? 

The hardest part is, I still love him. I know I should get over him and move on, but it's so hard. I think his name or hear it, and my heart skips. I dream about raising our family together, getting married and buying a house. The problem is, my head knows that none of that will happen, but my heart thinks differently. It is damn near impossible for my head and my heart to find a common ground. It's an on-going battle, neither one willing to give an inch so that I can stop hurting. No matter what I try - staying up all night, not sleeping, to try to avoid dreaming of him; surrounding myself with books and movies and music, anything that will attempt to take my mind off him; drowning my sorrows in pizza, ice cream, cookies, and other bad food - Rick still manages to creep into my mind and ruin whatever meager solace I managed to find from the pain. 

And....while I realize that everything is so messed up (I'm living with Chris now, instead of having my own place at 26, and being in control of my life), I am optimistic that things will eventually change for the better. It can't get much worse than all of this, right? I sure hope not. I don't know how much more I can take of all of this.......

Hopeless Romantic...

I'll be the first to admit that I am a hopeless romantic. I watch 'chic flicks' and wonder why I can't find a guy like that, why my life doesn't turn out that way. Yes, I know that movies and books are not real, but it would be nice to know whether or not there is someone out there for me that really truly wants me for me, not because he likes the idea of me. I am intelligent, opinionated, dedicated, passionate, honest; I've been hurt so much in the past that I put up walls and no one sees these things, except for those close to me that have seen me through the worst and helped picked me up when I fall.

I want to travel the world, see Italy, Germany, Ireland, Scotland, Russia, and as many historical locations in the United States as I can fit into one lifetime. I want to have more kids, but only with someone that will appreciate children and love my daughter as his own. My daughter has a father; I'm not looking for a replacement. But I refuse to put my daughter to the wayside while I flit from guy to guy, trying to find one that truly wants to me with me in all my different attitudes, moods, whatever. I don't want to have to explain to anyone why I want to do laundry at a certain time, or go to the store, or whatever. I want to be able to hold a conversation with someone that doesn't revolve around household chores, work, or the problems we have with our family. I want to talk about books I've read, movies I've enjoyed, current affairs; I want to talk about all that and more, without someone saying "It doesn't directly affect me, so I don't care about it". I can't be with someone that buries their head in the sand and ignores the world.

I am not what most people would call a 'classy' woman. I don't like champagne, or wine, or expensive dinners. Well, an expensive dinner once in a while might be nice, granted only if the food is worth it. I wear jeans and a T-shirt most of the time, and tennis shoes unless I feel like dressing up a little bit. I hate wearing make-up most of the time, but I do like what make-up can do to bring out my eyes. I just hate the amount of time it takes to get it looking right. I wish I could wake up in the morning and have it already be done. I swear like a sailor, I don't care who I offend. I will be the first to admit that I am nowhere near politically correct. I drink beer and hard liquor. I don't like champagne. I don't like wine. I love country music, and other genres of music, depending on my mood.

My dad has always been there for me. He's my rock. We are two peas in a pod, more like best friends than father and daughter. Of course, most people think that is weird, strange, not right, whatever. But I don't really care. My dad is the only person I KNOW I can count on. There are a few others that I can sometimes count on, but they tend to move in and out of my life whenever it suits them. My sister is different. We are best friends, but talking to her is much different than talking to my dad.However, tthere isn't much that one knows that the other doesn't. I can tell my dad that I really like or really hate a guy. My sister will dissect the pros and cons of someone with me, while my dad just says that he wants me to be happy, and if they hurt me, he will hurt them. I think that's a dad thing. But they are there for me whatever happens. If I make a bad decision, or a string of them for that matter, they will always be there to help me up, brush me off, and tell me that they are glad that I finally came to my senses. They won't say 'I told you so' but I can tell that they think it. And I'm totally fine with that.