A milestone that never should have been...

So tonight, my sweet daughter is going to bed for the first time without a pacifier. I never wanted her to have it, but someone I lived with decided, when I wasn't home, that she needed one. I hate those damn useless annoying face plugs!

But since my sweetie decided to launch not one but both of her pacifiers into the Manatee River this morning while we walked on the RiverWalk with Dad and the dogs, I refuse to buy more.

I firmly believe that pacifiers stunt a child's ability to learn to talk, as well as deforms their mandible and teeth, making braces a higher possibility later in life than a child who does not use a pacifier.

That being said, my daughter had her 15 month check up last week, and everything is golden. Her height and weight are great, she's walking wonderfully, and she's finally growing hair! Lol. She's been a cueball for so long, it is strange to see her with hair. It's almost long enough to put into a Pebbles-esque pony tail atop her head; I just have to teach her to leave it alone.

With everything that has gone sideways and backwards, everything that I've done wrong and the people I've hurt, it feels kinda nice to know that small things are starting to fall into place, which means the big things are more likely to follow. I can't wait until I am finally able to right some of the wrongs I've done.

So ready to give up...

I'm ready to just give up. I can't see my oldest daughter, since I got screwed over and stabbed in the back by someone who I thought was a good friend, and had for almost 13 years. I was starting the process to get visitation back in Fall 2011, after my second child was born, and right before I was served with the papers to appear in court to discuss visitation, my "friend" kicked me out. And to this day, I still have not gotten a straight answer about why she kicked me out. All she has said is that is was my fault, I treated her and her family like crap. But she refuses to give any examples of what specifically I did to piss her off. So I can only imagine the reasons, which means I'm probably wrong. But thank you so much for screwing me over.

Oh, and now I find out that she is great friends with my first daughter's father and his wife. Probably putting thoughts into his head about how I'm so horrible and I shouldn't be allowed around my kid. Worst part of all is that I did nothing wrong. NOTHING. I did nothing to deserve being treated like this.

But it all started with my mother. When she told me she was paying or helping to pay for his lawyer in family court, I knew I was screwed seven ways to Sunday. I knew that everything was falling apart. I knew that people who said they loved me, who said they wouldn't treat me like I was the bane of the earth, would. And they did. It took some longer than others, but the only person who has ever said they wouldn't screw me over, and actually stood by their word, was my dad. And I treated him the worst of everyone!
jsh
So explain this to me. I treat people as nicely as I can stomach, while getting nothing in return, except knives in my back and lies spread. But when I try to call someone on their lies or I attempt to tale the high road and ignore the treatment I receive, I'm the one who is wrong. I'm the one who shouldn't be around my daughter. I'm the one who gets chastised for trying to live my life and falling in love with someone (even if I was blind to his actions and wasn't really in love) and having his baby, then dealing with him going to jail and prison and the prospect of raising my second child alone.
Yes, I have made mistakes. I fully admit that. But why should I be thought of as a bad mother to one child, simply because I chose to have another child with someone else? I cannot sit around every day and wallow in the misery of losing a child to lies, deceit, and selfishness.

Don't get me wrong. I have tried to contact my daughter. But when her father refuses to return my calls, and has refused since Christmas 2010 even though the courts never said anything about me not being able to call her, just outlined visitation times, it makes it so much harder to try to stay in contact.

Letters I sent to every address I had for her father were never returned and never responded to. Not my fault. Does make me a bad mother.

Every phone call, phone message, text message, and Facebook message to him and his wife were never returned. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.

I got screwed out of a stable place to live less than a month after I filed paperwork to start visitation again and had to moved 50 miles away from the city court was in, and had no ride or money for a cab or a babysitter for the day of court. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.

What started everything was that I chose a guy over my daughter. I know, I was wrong. I was immature and thought nothing would happen, no consequences. That easy fault but still doesn't make me a bad mother. My daughter was never in any danger, despite what people involved may think. She was never alone, never hurt, never in danger. In fact, she's in more danger now, being told her mother doesn't want her, than she ever was with me.

I'm not even sure why I'm putting all this out on the internet. It won't make a difference. Even if I could file for a court date, I have to be in WI to do it, and for court or mediation or whatever the court wants, and I am living 1300 miles away. I can't physically be in court, because I don't have the money for plane tickets and hotel rooms and food, nor do I have anyone who can loan me the money. I love with my grandma, and there are 4 adults and my 16 month old daughter in the house. Only one adult is working; I can't until I get a FL ID or drivers license and I can't do that until I get my birth certificate, which could take up to another month to arrive. So we are all "surviving" on my grandmother's Social Security income, which is enough for bills and food - the essentials - but not much more. So flying back and forth to WI isn't in the cards at the moment.

But why can't I talk to my daughter on the phone? Why have you kept her from writing to me? Or writing to grandpa? I don't even need a letter from her, she can write to grandpa and I will stay out of it. I just want to know she is alive and happy and well.

Is that really too much to ask?

Happy Birthday

So today is my lovely daughter's birthday. I, sadly and by my own horrible and selfish decisions, have not seen her for more than 2 years. In fact, it will be 3 years next May since I spent any real time with her; last actual time I saw her in person was at her school winter concert. You may not be able to tell, but it kills me every day to know that I have no one to blame but myself for this situation of not being a proper mother to my child. Sure, I have tried to reason with myself about why I chose the decisions I did, telling myself I was young and immature and didn't fully realize the consequences of my actions. Or telling myself that, since her dad remarried, my daughter would have a mother-figure and she would be ok.

But I can't hide behind those words anymore. The truth is, I chose a guy and a relationship over my daughter. I am not proud of what I did. I'm really not. It hurts me every day to know that my child is growing up without me, because of my selfishness, because I thought I was better than everyone, that no one could destroy my perfect world.

Boy was I wrong! Someone did destroy it. ME! I destroyed it. I took a beautiful little girl who was stuck in the sad place of having mommy and daddy not together, of having to go back and forth to Grandpa's to see mommy, and I threw it all away.

My little girl is now in 5th grade. I've missed so much, and I'll never be able to get it back. And it's all my fault. Dealing with the consequences of other peoples' actions is one thing...but dealing with the consequences of your own actions and the how those consequences affect someone you should have loved and protected above all else...it is very humbling.

I should have realized all this years ago, but apparently, I needed the time to mature and pull my head out of whatever orifice or hold in the ground it was in, because now I fully understand the importance of not leaving my child behind, of not choosing a relationship over my own flesh and blood.

So, that being said, I apologize to everyone that I hurt, especially my sweetheart of a daughter. I'm so sorry I let my body make decisions and not my brain. I hope you can forgive me, eventually. I know I have no right to expect you to forgive me right now. I just hope you don't hate me. I hope you don't have any problems that stem from me being so unstable in the past. I promise that my life is getting back on track and I will do what is needed to make you proud of me again.

I love you honey. And I'm so sorry.

Life Sentence

I just love eating tasteless, burned food. Every time she cooks (which is almost every night, since she doesn't trust anyone else in 'her' kitchen), she starts cooking between 3 and 3:30pm, then leaves it sit on the stove or in the oven for at least an hour before we eat at 5:30. Like today, for example...beef stew meat in the pan by 3:15, smells like burning meat. Its now almost 4:45 and the burner is still on medium heat, no extra water in the pan. She uses no spices when she cooks, claiming she can't digest them, but when anyone else manages to cook n use spices, she gobbles up the food like its the best since sliced bread.
She still ignores me. Would I be wrong to keep my daughter from interacting with her while she stubbornly ignores me? I treat grandma like I treat the kid's sperm donor...you don't want to be around "that baby", then I will make sure you won't be. Why should she get the joy of playing with her, when she not only ignores me but counteracts everything I say and do with MY daughter. I say don't feed the dogs, only adults do it...grandma makes her feed the dogs after lunch today. I say popsicle after dinner as dessert, grandma says she can't have it cuz she "can't digest cold things", yet grandma fed her ice cream the day before. How are ice cream and Popsicles any different from each other??
Oh, and she won't let anyone else clean 'her' kitchen, but she won't even use soap most of the time to wash dishes. She waters down the dish soap and laundry soap and dishwasher soap, trying to save money, yet it costs more to do it her way, seeing as she has to wash everything 2 and 3 and 4 times with watered down soap just to get things clean. But she doesn't see it that way.

I can't wait to get out of here. As my brother (who is also staying here) said, "I didn't realize living with grandma meant a life sentence."

There are no words...

There really are no words for her. She is spiteful, rude, crude, angry, and thinks no one but her is right. I sometimes think that my grandpa died in '08 just to get away from that horrible woman. I know it's not true, but I do wonder. She is insufferable and no amount of talking, yelling, arguing, or ignoring changes anything.

The worst part of it is the constant inconsistencies in what she says and does, but doesn't see. She refuses to have anyone but her do the laundry, yet she constantly forgets to put soap in, or she puts in enough clothes for an extra large load but only sets the machine for a medium load (to 'save money' as she says), or my personal favorite, when she puts a pair of shorts into the dryer for a few seconds before handing it out to dry (we hang everything cuz we are in Florida, so why use the dryer) because those few seconds in the dryer 'keeps the shorts from wrinkling'. Those were her exact words. She won't even consider the fact that the clothes wrinkle when you fold them or wear them. That doesn't matter. The clothes must be wrinkle free when you first put them on. Being wrinkle free doesn't matter much when the clothes still smell of body odor, sweat, food, ect., whatever was on the clothes when they were put in the wash!

I know I should bite my tongue because she's my grandma, but she can't do anything right. It wears on me, because I'm always wrong. It's like living with my mother again...I'm never right, whatever I do with my daughter is wrong. She says she raised 4 kids so she knows what she's doing. The problem is, if you looked at the problems her kids have, she didn't do such a great job raising them at all! I know I'm not perfect by any means, but when someone tells me I have an attitude or a problem, I can at least look at my actions and, begrudgingly, admit my faults. I couldn't do that a few months ago, but grandma can't do it at all. Her favorite comeback is "well, I'm 82. I've been doing it this way for 30 years. Don't yell at me. I have rights too and I'll just call the cops for elder abuse cuz you keep yelling." But she can't call for elder abuse, cuz in order for it to be elder abuse in FL, the person has to have guardianship over her, like (what's the word...) when someone names someone in their living will as the person to make medical or financial decisions if she becomes unable to do so. I forget what the term is, and since I'm on my mobile, I can't look it up at the moment.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I hate putting it out where the public can see it, but maybe someone can help me get through this without losing my mind or completely washing my hands of one of the few family members that have always, and I mean ALWAYS, stood by me and didn't say a word against my bad decisions.

Although her car transmission did die in her car today, so her attitude is so much worse, but I can't give her any leeway, because any given is used and abused. If anyone says anything, they are wrong. But if no one says anything, she won't shut up, asking everyone what she did wrong to piss them off. It is a never ending cycle.

9 days....

So I've been in Florida for 9 days now and things have been...difficult. The grandma I knew isn't here anymore. She wakes up in such a horrible mood every day, for no known reason either to herself or someone else, yet gets upset when we either don't talk to her due to her attitude or when we say something about her attitude. Whether we do or don't, we are wrong.

It is like living with my mother again. How I raise my daughter is wrong, how I feed her is wrong, how I dress her is wrong. It is 80+ degrees daily here in Florida and, since we (my daughter and I) had previously lived in WI, my daughter isn't really acclimated to the FL heat yet. But my grandma, who has lived in FL for almost 30 years, thinks 75 degrees is cold and thinks I should dress my daughter in long sleeves and pants when the high is forecasted to be lower than 80.

I'm not sure if my grandma has Alzheimer's or dementia or if she has always been like this and just put on an act while we visited FL or she and grandpa (R.I.P.) visited WI. I don't know what is going on with her, but she makes me want to go back to WI. It really is worse than living with my mother.

Very rarely will anyone be able to have a conversation with her about anything of importance. She complains about bills, but will buy crap she doesn't need or insist on paying for something for me or my daughter that I can pay for. It is very tiring, stressful, depressing, any other word you can think of.

24 hours to go...

*sigh* 

Just 24 short hours and we will be in the airport, getting our tickets and fighting our way through security lines and terminals to the gate. I have so much still to accomplish before leaving, but the day doesn't seem long enough. CDL has, for the last 3 days, decided to try to get me on Florida time before we even leave the state by waking up between 4 and 5 am. It is a struggle for me, not just as a single mom but because I have so much stress and worries that it is hard for me to fall asleep at night and even harder to get up that early when I have no reason to be. I know she can feel how stressed I am and she can tell that something is different, that change is coming. I have tried to be calm and not let her know how stressed I am, but you know what they say about kids being more intuitive than adults. They can sense things before they even understand what is going on. 

On top of the worries about moving and flying with an almost-13 month old, I worry about losing my best friend. I know things happened that should not have, and I have tried to apologize and try to mend the fences, so to speak, but they are resistant. I do not blame them; I just wish they would see that I am trying to do what is right, what I should have done 10 months ago. I want to apologize and make things better. We were (what I thought was) best friends for more than 12 years, but looking back, I see that it was not the case. Whether they see this or not; whether they agree with this or not; whether this post causes them to hate me forever or see things from my point of view; whatever happens, I need to set the record straight for myself, so I am able to live, knowing I did not hide my feelings. 

I have deleted the posts I made in January 2013 and shortly after, because they were written in haste and hate. The underlying reasons for writing those posts are still evident; however, the emotions were too strong and I should not have posted those posts under those so quickly. 

Now, I would like to keep their friendship but I do not see that as being possible. Looking back on those 12 years of friendship...it was not really friendship. It was using me to get what you wanted. (I use 'you' to avoid using real names. If you are offended, you are either involved, or have been involved in a similar situation.) You dated almost every guy I did in high school, AFTER I did. You had kids with 2 of them, and married the second! The only one you did not have anything to do with, to my knowledge, was the father of my oldest, because he did not want you. But every other guy I dated, you dated. That doesn't really bother me, except it makes me feel like you were only my 'friend' because you enjoyed being around boys you wouldn't have been around otherwise. But enough about that. It was 12 years ago, I am over being used.

There are other reasons why I don't see our friendship ever being repaired, but I won't go into those now. It is seemingly pointless to write about issues here, when they will not own up to their faults (no one wants to do that, even me), and are not willing to open a dialogue about anything. I tried to apologize and tried to put things right, or even in the right direction, but everything I said was met with hostility and anger. I know I did something wrong, but after 9 months, let it go and move on. Accept that I was trying to make things right, trying to reverse the anger and resentment. But I guess some people are incapable of accepting apologies, incapable of seeing someone's desire to right their wrongs. 

The biggest reason I do not see our friendship surviving is because of the way you feel the need to put me down and make me as miserable as you. You had this idea that I would have the marriage, the house with the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the loving husband, the golden retriever and the mini-van. YOU thought that was what I wanted, not me. Now you have a miserable marriage that neither of you want to work on to try to fix, you have kids that have no respect for you, your husband, or anyone else. But I am not here to play the blame game. You said you had all these ideals of where I would be and where you would be by now. I can't help that you did not have such high thoughts and goals for yourself until it happened. I'm glad that you are in school and are buying a house. Good for you both. But do not tell me that I wasted my life because I chose a different path than the one YOU wanted for me. 

I have 2 beautiful daughters, granted I do not have a relationship with my oldest, a situation I will change. I just need to get my life together first. I admit, I have made some decisions that I regret and those decisions are the reason why I am moving to Florida. I do not have a stable support system here, and I need support. I need my family, the people that have had my back since day one, all through my bad decisions, no matter what. I will get my oldest daughter back...I just need to get my life together and on the right track first. I have a family that loves me, through good times and bad, good decisions and bad. I thought of you as family, but that changed when you promised to invite me to your wedding as your maid of honor, and then got married without ever notifying me. You got married and I had to find out about it through your Facebook page and your photos. It just shows how well you really thought of me. I guess that is all I can really expect. You never had family that was there for you through thick and thin. 

So back to the main topic...in 24 hours, I will be at the airport, trying to get through security with CDL and our carry-ons, praying that CDL behaves and is not annoying to the rest of the people on the plane. The last time I flew with a child, I was 17, my oldest was 4 months, and I flew with my dad and his girlfriend at the time. So if I needed to use the restroom or wanted to get something to eat, Dad could take her. I do not have that option now, which scares me and worries me and makes me wish I had someone to go with me. CDL is normally well-behaved while around other people, but now that I have said that, she will be a terror. :-) 

I will probably update again once we are in Florida and settled down. I am not sure when I will have internet access when I get there, as I will probably be busy settling in for a while and chasing CDL around and hoping Dad's dogs get along with CDL. Yet another thing to worry about. Is 8 AM too early to have a drink?! I feel like I need one, after being up for 4 hours already. 

But I shall talk to ya'll later. Loves and blessings.

And I will walk 1300 miles....

Or fly 1300 miles, actually.

So I know I said I would write more in the next 2 weeks, but as usual, life kind of took over all my time. Then I found out one of my friends from college has been battling breast cancer all summer, so that threw me for a loop. 

So I have 8 days until our flight to Florida. I can't believe the time has gone by so fast. I still have so much to do and so much to ship. The day we leave will have a high temp of 53, when we land it will be 84 in Florida. Such a big change, especially with going through O'Hare Airport with an almost-13 month old who has never flown and the last time I flew with a child, it was my other kid who was only 4 months old and I was flying with her, my dad, and his (at the time) girlfriend, so if there was an issue or I had to use the restroom, one of them could watch her. I don't have the luxury this time around. 

Honestly, I'm kind of scared. I've living in WI all my life, and now I'm packing up everything I own (that I can afford to ship; the rest will be Goodwill'd or just thrown away) to move 1300 miles to a state I have visited only a handful of times. I will be going when it is the 'winter' down there, so I don't have to deal with the high temps right away. It will just be a temperature shock those first few days as we adjust to 80s instead of 50s. I'm scared to live with my grandma, because it is her house and I don't want to seem ungrateful or imposing. I'm scared to live with my dad and my older brother again, because I don't get along with my brother at all and my dad is recovering from surgery and has his own issues to deal with. I'm scared to go down there, but I'm also afraid to go down there and have to hide who I am. Which I will probably have to do, because I don't want to cause more issues than I already am by moving down there. 

It is a huge fuster-cluck, moving, packing, selling, re-packing, wondering if my roommate (ex-boyfriend) will actually pay me what he says he will for the truck. I'm keeping the title until I get the total amount anyway, because I'm not taking the chance that he's going to keep telling me all the crap he needs to do to the truck before he pays me anything. If he doesn't pay me anything before I leave, I will junk the truck myself and take a cab to the airport. He seems to have more excuses as to why he can't pay me than a mental hospital has patients. 

Anyway, I have been feeling very alone lately. I don't have my best friend to talk to; I don't have a boyfriend worthy of my emotional and physical issues; I have a wonderful child that I feel like I can't even pay proper attention to because I have so many thoughts in my head that I can barely remember to use the restroom or feed myself. Maybe I'm feeling a little depressed at the thought of leaving the state that I have lived in for 28 years.

Speaking of 28 years! I was sick on my birthday with an Upper Respiratory Infection and Pneumonia, so I couldn't even be excited for the day of my birth, because every time I did something that got my heart rate or breathing up, I would cough uncontrollably. I'm feeling better now, but I think my daughter has something now. Not pneumonia or a URI but definitely a cold. So she feels like poo, I have so much going on in my head that I can't sleep, and we have just 8 short days until everything is finalized and we are in the sky, flying our way to Sarasota/Bradenton Airport. 

Breast Cancer Awareness Month ~ October

I just found out last night that one of my friends from college has been battling breast cancer all summer, at age 27. She has no family history on either side of any kind of cancer, and is currently on her second round of Chemo. Please, if you haven't had one already, schedule a mammogram. I don't care if your doc says mammograms are only for women who are menopausal or whatever excuse they try to give you. Fight for the mammogram, because even a small lump can go undetected for years without a mammogram. My friend's surgeon said she may have had the lump for 10 years before she felt it in her monthly self exam. Finding the lump lead her to decide on a double mastectomy and rounds of Chemo. The surgeon also found cancer cells in her lymph nodes under one of her arms. 

Needless to say, I had a hard time sleeping last night, because my mind just kept going on and on about the "what if" scenarios...what if I were to get cancer? What would I do with my daughters? How would I tell them? Would I be strong enough to get through it without having a nervous breakdown? My mind just wouldn't stop. I don't have any family history of breast cancer in ether side of my family, but my grandfather did have prostate cancer and skin cancer, and you never really know where those cancer cells are going to decide to stop and set up camp.

After reading my friends' blog, I was amazed at how she was able to keep her head (mostly) while dealing with the diagnosis and all the options, doctor appointments, surgeries, and the prospect of losing her breasts. I believe she is a much stronger woman than I am, because I am not sure if I would have taken to the situation the way she did, were I in her shoes. 

You know, I found myself thinking, over the weekend, of all the things I have to do before we move to Florida on Oct 23rd, all the packing, selling, throwing away, organizing, and then, when I read her blog about her cancer battle, everything seemed to be put into perspective. The things I thought were so big and important and stressful, really weren't as bad as I thought. I was dealing with throwing away things I hadn't used in 10 years but still felt an emotional attachment to; packing things I thought I wanted just because I had spent hard earned money on it; but what I didn't realize is all the problems I thought were huge and insurmountable were really small and insignificant compared to what I could have been facing. 

I won't use names and I might have posted too much info about her already (since I didn't get her permission before writing this post, I tried to use as little identifying information as possible), but please, if anyone actually reads my blog, male or female, please get checked for breast cancer, whether you have a family history of it or not. Just doing self checks once a month obviously isn't good enough anymore. 

My friend, I commend you on your battle with something not many people could face with your sense of humor, determination, and faith. I know it has been years since we have seen or really talked with each other, but if there is anything that I can ever do for you, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Small Update...

So it has been a long time since my last post and a lot of things have changed. I had another baby, she's a year old now. I lost one of my best friends over stupid decisions I made. I am moving to Florida in 2 weeks because of those decisions, and others, to be around my family. It is a long story, and I hope to update everything soon, probably with multiple posts over the next 2 weeks, whenever I can manage to sit down for a few minutes and gather my thoughts long enough to get things in the right order. 

So I hope to be posting a lot more in the next 2 weeks, to get everyone up to date. Sorry I have been so absent...lots of things on my mind and IRL that are affecting me and my ability to get things done. 

But I will be back!

I don't think I can do this alone...

So I had my beautiful baby girl this past Wednesday. She's wonderful. I love her to pieces. I just don't think I can do this alone. I find myself crying at random things, feeling like nothing I do will ever be good enough, like I'm never going to be able to provide for my daughters without relying on other people. I miss her dad, which is stupid, because all he did was hurt me, but if he were here, at least I wouldn't be alone. There would be someone to help me at night, someone to talk to when I feel like crying, someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

Just STOP!

I know that my friends mean the best and want the best for me and probably don't realize this, but it is irritating, annoying, and downright mean and hurtful sometimes to constantly tell me that I was stupid for being with Rick, that I "got what I deserved" (meaning getting pregnant by him instead of leaving him), and that I should just give her up instead of have him in my life for the rest of mine. If I really wanted your opinions, I would ask you or talk to you about it. But...since I don't talk to you about him or any of the issues that I'm having/feelings I'm feeling, don't just think that you can blurt out your thoughts like I should just follow what you say and not think for myself. Yea, I realize that I could have been smarter and left him long ago, or not even started dating him. I realize that I should have left him alone when he went to jail in March. I would leave now if I didn't need the money to provide a place to sleep for my child when she arrives in less than 2 months, because I don't have any savings. Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda....hindsight is always 20/20, and believe me, there isn't anything you or anyone else can tell me that I probably haven't thought of or told myself already. So please....Unless I solicit your opinions, keep them to yourself. I am a strong person, and I will get through this. Now if you want to offer your help, that's fine. But really, I am 26, almost 27, and I don't need people telling me the obvious, or telling me what I should think, feel, do, or anything else. 

Sometimes, I just feel like walking into the lake and not allowing my head to come back above water. It's been so long since I actually thought that I was going to be fine and be able to provide for myself, that I wonder if that's even possible anymore. Maybe I am a failure, like my egg donor's parents said 16 years ago. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore about all of this, how I'm feeling, because my grandma, dad, and older brother (not that I really talked to my brother) are all in Florida, and my best friend has her family 2 hours away. Yea, I live with a friend and co-worker, but we aren't that close where I can tell him things that are bothering me, or issues that I'm having with trying to stay away from the guy that knocked me up then went to jail for domestic abuse, only to be sentenced to just disorderly conduct and receive 18 months probation. 


I can't do this on my own, but I know I'm going to have to learn quickly how to, because there is no one else I can count on but myself. (Although there are days (more often than not) when I really just want to climb into bed and have someone else make all the decisions for me.) 

So much has happened.......

It's been so long since I wrote anything and so much has happened. I'm happy to say that I'm about 12 weeks pregnant...BUT....the father isn't in the picture, because he is in jail for domestic abuse against me. He isn't actually charged with domestic; rather he's been charged with disorderly conduct, resisting an officer (cuz he ran when I called the cops on him), and intimating a victim (cuz he broke the mandatory 72 hour restraining order by calling me 84 times in less than 8 hours.) 

I hate feeling this alone, like I'm not worth anything or anyone. It's hard, because I have had problems all my life with feeling inadequate, feeling worthless, and feeling like I'm not worth it for anyone to date, marry, or spend their life with, like I'm only good as a sex partner. I hate feeling like that, but how can I change it? How can I change how I feel about myself, when I'm all alone? How do I love myself, when no one loves me? 

Anyway, I'm excited and nervous about the baby. I find out in a few months what I'm going to have, but I'm just hoping that the baby is healthy and nothing goes wrong. I wish with everything that I am that the baby is healthy. I can't imagine what it would do to me. I have wanted another child for so long, that if I were to lose this one, it would probably destroy me, regardless of how much it hurts to be away from him. 

God, it hurts so much.....more than when my daughter's father broke up with me, more than when my mother said she wished she never had me, more than when my grandfather died. I don't know why it hurts so bad, other than maybe it hurts so bad because I feel so alone? I don't even know. That makes it hard too, not knowing for sure which emotions are what, which ones come from which trigger. I wish I had the option to talk to someone that could help, but I don't have a therapist anymore, and all my friends that I would talk to are busy with their lives,. too busy to be bothered with my many problems. I don't blame them, it's all part of being an adult, having to take care of yourself and your own problems. Still, it would be nice to be able to talk to someone that didn't tell me that they have nothing to say. I don't want someone to tell me what to do or how to feel; just someone to listen and be sympathetic, let me cry on their shoulder and release all these pent-up emotions. But I can't do that. I've always been the strong one, the one to suffer silently. Like Bella Swan, as Rick said many times. I hide my feelings, because to show my feelings is to set myself up to get hurt. Well, whether I show my feelings or not, I still get hurt, so what's the point in hiding or showing off? 

The hardest part is, I still love him. I know I should get over him and move on, but it's so hard. I think his name or hear it, and my heart skips. I dream about raising our family together, getting married and buying a house. The problem is, my head knows that none of that will happen, but my heart thinks differently. It is damn near impossible for my head and my heart to find a common ground. It's an on-going battle, neither one willing to give an inch so that I can stop hurting. No matter what I try - staying up all night, not sleeping, to try to avoid dreaming of him; surrounding myself with books and movies and music, anything that will attempt to take my mind off him; drowning my sorrows in pizza, ice cream, cookies, and other bad food - Rick still manages to creep into my mind and ruin whatever meager solace I managed to find from the pain. 

And....while I realize that everything is so messed up (I'm living with Chris now, instead of having my own place at 26, and being in control of my life), I am optimistic that things will eventually change for the better. It can't get much worse than all of this, right? I sure hope not. I don't know how much more I can take of all of this.......

Hopeless Romantic...

I'll be the first to admit that I am a hopeless romantic. I watch 'chic flicks' and wonder why I can't find a guy like that, why my life doesn't turn out that way. Yes, I know that movies and books are not real, but it would be nice to know whether or not there is someone out there for me that really truly wants me for me, not because he likes the idea of me. I am intelligent, opinionated, dedicated, passionate, honest; I've been hurt so much in the past that I put up walls and no one sees these things, except for those close to me that have seen me through the worst and helped picked me up when I fall.

I want to travel the world, see Italy, Germany, Ireland, Scotland, Russia, and as many historical locations in the United States as I can fit into one lifetime. I want to have more kids, but only with someone that will appreciate children and love my daughter as his own. My daughter has a father; I'm not looking for a replacement. But I refuse to put my daughter to the wayside while I flit from guy to guy, trying to find one that truly wants to me with me in all my different attitudes, moods, whatever. I don't want to have to explain to anyone why I want to do laundry at a certain time, or go to the store, or whatever. I want to be able to hold a conversation with someone that doesn't revolve around household chores, work, or the problems we have with our family. I want to talk about books I've read, movies I've enjoyed, current affairs; I want to talk about all that and more, without someone saying "It doesn't directly affect me, so I don't care about it". I can't be with someone that buries their head in the sand and ignores the world.

I am not what most people would call a 'classy' woman. I don't like champagne, or wine, or expensive dinners. Well, an expensive dinner once in a while might be nice, granted only if the food is worth it. I wear jeans and a T-shirt most of the time, and tennis shoes unless I feel like dressing up a little bit. I hate wearing make-up most of the time, but I do like what make-up can do to bring out my eyes. I just hate the amount of time it takes to get it looking right. I wish I could wake up in the morning and have it already be done. I swear like a sailor, I don't care who I offend. I will be the first to admit that I am nowhere near politically correct. I drink beer and hard liquor. I don't like champagne. I don't like wine. I love country music, and other genres of music, depending on my mood.

My dad has always been there for me. He's my rock. We are two peas in a pod, more like best friends than father and daughter. Of course, most people think that is weird, strange, not right, whatever. But I don't really care. My dad is the only person I KNOW I can count on. There are a few others that I can sometimes count on, but they tend to move in and out of my life whenever it suits them. My sister is different. We are best friends, but talking to her is much different than talking to my dad.However, tthere isn't much that one knows that the other doesn't. I can tell my dad that I really like or really hate a guy. My sister will dissect the pros and cons of someone with me, while my dad just says that he wants me to be happy, and if they hurt me, he will hurt them. I think that's a dad thing. But they are there for me whatever happens. If I make a bad decision, or a string of them for that matter, they will always be there to help me up, brush me off, and tell me that they are glad that I finally came to my senses. They won't say 'I told you so' but I can tell that they think it. And I'm totally fine with that.

GRR!

I know I broke up with him almost a month ago, but I can't get over him. Oh, I still hate his family. His mother is the worst waste of space that I have ever seen. She was here last weekend, while my sister, her husband, and I went to Summerfest. The cops came to the back door, because the neighbor's dog got out and one of the neighbors has complained about his back door being wide open. Does she bother to call me, the person that lives here, to tell me that the cops had been here?? NOPE. She waits until 11:30 at night when I got home, to bombard me with the information as soon as I walked in the door. I flipped on her, of course, because she doesn't have 2 brain cells to rub together to make a coherent thought. I told M that his mother is not allowed back into MY home when I am not going to be here. I can't trust her. I mean, I live here, so I need to know who comes to the door, what happens. And it wasn't just that one thing. I had told her many times NOT to leave water in my pots and pans, because it will ruin them. What did she do last weekend? She left water in a pan. I would have bitched at her for that, only she was gone and on her way home before I noticed the pan in the sink. The third thing that happened, that I bitched at her for when I got home that night, was her taking my dog outside on her leash. I have a run set up in the front yard for my dog, so you can just let her out and she only has about 20 feet or so. It keeps her on the front yard and far enough away from the sidewalk that no one can complain about her. Well, M's mom decided to take my dog outside on her leash every time she wanted to go out. His mom said that my dog went out about 3 times more than she normally does. That was because when you hook her up to her leash, she thinks she's going for a walk! I explained this to his mom many many times, and she still doesn't understand it.

The other person I hate from his family is his grandmother. She is an annoying, can't do anything for herself when I'm here, but can do it when I'm not around, repeat herself all the time, and can't figure out what the dog's name is, even though I've told her thousands of times, total pain in my ass. She seems to be intent on making my life miserable. I know that she is 86 years old, but she doesn't have Alzheimer's, she doesn't have any kind of disease or illness or anything that would prevent her from doing anything or remembering the damn dog's name. She wonders why the dog never listens to her. Well...that would be because she calls the dog Rocky, and the dog's name is ROXY. The dog knows her name, so it makes sense that the dog wouldn't listen when you call her the wrong name! But no, that old bag can't figure it out. And if the old rag's voice wasn't so annoying, I would just let Roxy do whatever she wants. But her voice is like nails on a chalkboard, so I yell Roxy's name and tell her to go lay down, just to get that damn woman to shut the hell up! I will be SOOO fucking happy when she finally kicks the damn bucket. Honestly, if I knew how to do it and get away with it, I would poison her and finally be rid of her. But I don't, so I can't.

M's 'father' (sperm donor is more like it) isn't much better than his mom and his grandmother. His father doesn't believe anything unless you prove it to him, and even then, he still stands there and says 'well that can't be right'. I just proved it to you, you moron! Of course it's right!

Honestly, I thought MY family was fucked up. No, M's family is a million times worse than my family. At least only one side of my family is fucked up (mom's). BOTH sides of his family are fucked up. His mother can't use her head for more than a hat rack; his sister is so fucked up and such a hypochondriac that I'm surprised she wakes up every day, instead of killing herself in her sleep with all the medications she insists she needs; his grandmother is content to do the same damn things every single day, yet complains to her daughter (M's mom) that she wants to get out of the house more. Well, stop walking with that damn walker and start using the cane you just HAD to have, and maybe you can get out more. Stop acting like an invalid, because you aren't one! His mother had one of M's friends build a wooden thing for the back step, so that grandmother can 'go down that step easier'. She did this while I was at Summerfest, so of course she didn't call me and ask me if I had the money to pay him for the wood, or pay for the stain and weather proofing that needs to be done, so the wood doesn't rot away in a year. No, she doesn't call me and ask me anything. She just decides that grandmother needs it - she never asked for it, his mom just decided that grandmother needed it, even though she never complained about it - and puts me up for more money, which I don't have. I swear, if it was legal to kill someone and I knew for a fact I would get away with it, I would wipe out his whole family. They have smoked themselves stupid, or were just born this dumb. I don't know for sure, but I am VERY surprised that they have each made it this far in life, being as stupid as they are. I'm surprised that they didn't fall down stairs while drunk, or played chicken with a train and end up as a 'these people did stupid shit and died' statistic. 

I have tried to talk to his mother about all of this, but it's like talking to a brick wall. No, a brick wall is smarter than her. I have talked and repeated myself until I was damn near blue in the face, and she never changes. I haven't told her yet that I don't want her here when I'm not here, but I'm thinking about calling her in the morning and bitching her out, again, and ending with me telling her I don't want her here ever again. I don't even trust her to be here when I'm actually here, much less when I'm not here. I'm surprised she hasn't killed her mother yet, as little regard she shows for MY house rules and MY home in general.

I have little patience for stupid people, and his family has cornered the market on stupid. There aren't enough words to describe just how stupid they are. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I can only handle so much stupid, before I just want to haul off and smack the stupid out of someone. Of course, if I tried to do that with his family, I would beat them to death, because they are so stupid that no amount of beating will stop them.

Sure, I've done plenty of stupid things in my life; I don't pretend that I'm perfect. I'm far from it. But I limit my stupidity to only once or twice per day. They have maybe ONE half-assed smart move per day, all three of them combined, and that's on a perfect day! I doubt the three of them have more than 10 smart or half-smart thoughts, actions, etc. per year.

Those DAMNED illegals are EVERYWHERE!

This blog actually started as a comment on a yahoo.com article (link is here: http://tinyurl.com/62t88y8)
It just got so long that I couldn't fit it all in the comment section. But here it is, for anyone that wants to read my thoughts on the subject. 

The problem here is that the law is open to interpretation. That's how the laws are applied. Personally, I have no problem with the illegals being kicked out, not given a free education, etc. Just because you were born here, doesn't mean that you don't get kicked out with your illegal parents!! I am a 4th generation German-American. my great-grandparents came over here from Germany, with a sponsor, they learned English, learned American History (what history there was at the time), and they passed the test to become an American Citizen. I don't mind if people come here from other countries; the U.S. is the 'melting pot' of the world. What I have a problem with is these low-life illegals coming here, taking the money that I put into Social Security and other programs, while they decide that they are 'too good' to learn English and want everything else to be translated into Spanish for them. Have any of you been to the DMV lately? Or even to the grocery store, gas station, or called a Customer Service number? THIS IS AMERICA! WHERE THE HELL DOES IT SAY THAT I HAVE TO PRESS 'ONE' FOR ENGLISH?!

It's just like high school or college - If you don't belong in the class, you get kicked out, whether the reason be you failed a prerequisite class, you didn't pay, or you are just too stupid to follow the information. That applies to illegals too. I'm sick and tired of, every stinking time I turn on the news or the radio, there is yet ANOTHER report of some bastard illegal getting into a horrible car accident with no license and no insurance, or driving drunk and killing someone, or robbing a store/bank, and what happens? They go to trial, at taxpayers expense. They are held in jail, at taxpayers expense. They serve their time, at taxpayers expense. When their sentence is over, they are deported, at taxpayers expense. But what stops them from coming right back over the border illegally again? Oh yea, that's right. Not a Damn THING! They get a free ride in the U.S., get sent back to Mexico, and in a few weeks or months, they are right back here. If Americans weren't so "holier-than-thou" and would actually work the jobs that illegals do, we wouldn't have this problem. Of course, employers LOVE having illegals, because they don't have to pay payroll tax, they don't have to pay insurance, and if someone goofs off, they can fire that one and there are 2,000,000 waiting in line to take their place.

There was talk in my area that the illegals wanted the state to allow them to have driver's licenses, but because they couldn't provide a Social Security card and a U.S. birth certificate, they aren't able to get a license. Well, here's an idea to fix that - Set aside every Saturday for 6 months at the DMV where no one will be helped, except illegals that want to get a driver's license. When they go outside for the driver's test, have the U.S. Marshals and ICE waiting out back, with a bunch of semi trailers and truck drivers. Stuff the illegals into the back of the trucks (they should be used to it, that's how they arrived in the U.S. anyway) and ship their asses out to the Nevada Desert. Don't take them back to Mexico, or we will just have to round them up again. Take them to Nevada and have the military bases out there practice their target shooting. Hey, even once a month, have a gun club rent out the military firing range and let the gun club take care of the illegals! That's even better than having the military do it. The military has enough to do already; let someone else take care of it. Hell, gun clubs are used to hitting useless targets, so shooting the illegals won't take much work. Take it up a notch, and have the illegals try to escape from the firing squad. That would make it even MORE fun! This is America and, according to the rest of the world, we are a bunch of lazy, over-fed and under-worked, boring people. Well, we will cease to be those things if we have a little target practice with the illegals! You can even let the kids get in on it; just give them a paint-ball gun. The adults, or those with actual, legal guns and a license to carry, can take care of the paint-covered Spics after the kids get bored and leave to do something else. (And the kids will leave, they always do when something no longer holds their attention)

Anyway, now that you have read my blog about illegals Spics (when I say Spics, I don't mean just Mexicans. I mean every single solitary waste of space that has entered the U.S. illegally), I guess it is time for you to find something else to do! I can't keep your attention here indefinitely! Nor do I want your attention here indefinitely. So read what you want, and move the hell on! (Oh, and I mean that in the best possible way) :-)

I have no idea how I'm going to get through the next 18 months. Just in the last two months, I've gotten so damn bored with everything. It's the same shit every day, all day. I absolutely HATE taking care of his grandmother, knowing that I have no where else to do, I can't force his mother to take his grandmother, because I know he would never forgive me if I did, even though he tries to tell me different. This was all dumped on my lap, his grandmother and everything else, and I don't like it. But I have no option, other than moving in with my sister in Janesville, and I really don't want to do that, simply because she is 2 weeks married and has 4 kids. Not a lot of room for me. I don't really feel like riding the couch and feeling like a live-in babysitter. I know my sister wouldn't treat me like that on purpose, but I know both she and her now-husband are busy and taking care of 4 kids is a hand full. I love my sister, but I honestly don't know how she does it. 


And I try to talk to people - my dad, my grandma, even my sister - about things, and all they tell me is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" (grandma), "You are doing a great thing, taking all of this on. You are a great girl with a level head on your shoulders. You can do this. Just depend on yourself and your strengths and you will be fine" (Dad), "Why don't you drop off grandma off at his mom's and move in with us>" (my sister). I guess what I'm looking for is a shoulder to cry on, so to speak, someone that will listen to me and not try to fix things or tell me what they would do in my position. I guess my only option is to swallow my complaints and go about my business. It's hard, because sometimes I feel like things are going to over-whelm me and I'll just crack and go crazy. Writing things down doesn't help, because I just get more upset, due to re-living the things that had upset me. 


I guess I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. I didn't ask for this, but I have no other option. Sadly, I don't think I will be with him after he gets out. I just can't deal with it anymore. I had promised that I would stay until he gets out, to be able to take care of his grandma, but after he gets out, I doubt that I'll be around much longer. I just need to find a job and save money (hard thing to do when I'm trying to take care of everything else here that takes money) and find my own place. Hopefully, I'll be able to move back to Waukesha and be by my friends and familiar places and have my own place and have my daughter back. 


I haven't really felt love towards him in a long time. But I can't tell him that, not while he's in jail. I'm only here out of convenience, not love or lust or even friendship. 

So .... I found out over the weekend that my ex, my daughter's father, is expecting a baby with his girlfriend. She is due Sept. 27, THREE DAYS before my 26th birthday. A guy that can't pay proper attention to his 8 year old daughter when she is with him, can't get up in the morning to make sure she gets to school safely, and wants to prove to the courts that I am a bad mother, is going to have another baby. And it bugs the hell out of me.

It's not that I want to be with him, or have another child with him, or anything. I just hate how things seem to be going along just fine for everyone else, but not for me. He seems so happy and to be honest, I'm jealous as hell that they are having a baby. I want another baby, but the man I'm with has so many kids already, and has already said multiple times that he doesn't really want more kids, but will have more with me just because I want more. I don't want to force him to be a father again, when he has pretty clearly told me that he has enough kids already. But I can't ignore the fact that I want more kids. And I don't know if I can be with him. I have already decided that I will not marry him while his grandma is living with us, because it is just too much for me. I just can't imagine trying to plan a wedding while she's still alive. Call me self-centered, bitchy, mean, whatever ... I just will not marry him while she's alive. Unless she is NOT living with us anymore. 

I can't stand to have her here now, I can't imagine trying to live a married life and everything else that goes along with it while she is here. I know it's not much different in terms of living and taking care of things, but I just can't stand the idea of having her here while we are married. She is too important to him for me to play second fiddle to her for the next however-many years she'll still be alive. I don't even know if I can marry him. There are too many issues between us that haven't been resolved, and probably won't be resolved, because every time I try to talk to him about things, he gets defensive and tells me it is all my fault that we don't get along. It is honestly like I'm just supposed to do whatever he wants me to do, say whatever he wants me to say, and wear whatever he wants me to wear, just to make him happy, while I stay miserable and contemplate leaving him. Which I do on a daily basis, by the way. The only reason I haven't left yet is because I just don't have a job and the money to pay for my own place. My sister says I can move in with her and her fiancée and their 4 kids, but, as much as I love my sister and her family, I just can't imagine being myself and finding my way in life by living with them and riding the couch. 

I want to win the lottery and move out, get my own place and decorate it, do my own thing, and not have to worry about anything with him anymore. Maybe I can talk to my dad and convince him to let me take over his house when he moves, instead of leaving it to go into foreclosure. I need to get a job to be able to pay the cable, phone, internet, and other bills, but other than that, Dad would be sending me the payment for the mortgage. I think. I just want to get back to Waukesha and my friends. I feel like I'm suffocating here, because there are so many things that are unresolved. He's trying to change everything about me, and I just want someone that will accept me for me and not try to mold me into some kind of make-up every day, knee-high boots with pants tucked in, skin tight shirts with tits hanging out absurdly, looking like a whore that just walked out of the whore house, woman. It's like I can't be myself anymore. He wants me to be who he thinks I should be, but that's not me. I was raised to be myself and not worry about what others think about me, yet he wants me to start worrying about what he thinks 'because he has to be seen with me when we go somewhere'. Well, I don't really care. I can't dress up and look 'sexy' (as he calls it) when I feel like I'm just there to be his little sex slave, wearing whatever he wants me to wear, not being able to have an opinion, because if I voice my opinion or my thoughts, I get into trouble. 

It is so frustrating, to have someone not listen to you, have someone talk over you whenever you try to tell them what you are thinking and feeling, have someone tell you things that you have no reason to feel that way, that they don't understand why you feel that way, because no one in the world would look at things the same way you do.

Do you believe in true love?

I don't believe in the 'pop culture' version of true love, where every girl wants the knight in shining armor, white horse, little house with a white picket fence. Those things would be nice to have, but in reality, it rarely happens that way. And if we all wait for that version of 'love', no one would be with anyone. 


I believe that true love is being comfortable enough with someone to let them know every little thing about you, knowing that they won't hold it against you or throw it in your face. True love is being able to show your weaknesses and not be laughed at; show your strong points and not be seen as too 'macho' (for guys), or too 'manly' (for women); and just be yourself, without someone constantly trying to change you.


Call me crazy, but society has become too decided on the gender roles that people should play, and when anyone tries to step outside those gender roles, they are seen as different, and that is not fair. 


Why can't we all just be who we are comfortable being, instead of what society says we should be? When did the societal norm for women become having to be a size 2, having perfect hair and perfect make-up from the time she wakes up until she lays down in bed, and having to cater to what her significant other wants? When did society make is to important for women to have someone in their life? A women who decides not to be with someone has to deal with the constant questions from friends, family, and co-workers about 'why aren't you dating anyone?' and 'oh, I know someone who would be perfect for you!' Why can't we just be ourselves without someone always having to put in their 2-cents about every little thing? 


I'm sorry, but the day that you can manage every little thing in your life and have nothing go wrong, no problems, THAT will be the day that you can tell me who I should meet, go out with, or spend time with. Until that day, keep my life out of your mind, and leave well enough alone. When I am willing to be in a relationship again, I will take it upon MYSELF to talk to people, to put myself out there to meet someone. I don't need someone always wanting to stick their nose in and try to 'help' me. If I needed help, I would see a therapist.


Call me cynical, bitchy, whatever, but I don't think a woman has to have a man in order to be happy. There are plenty of women out there who live their lives single and happy, doing whatever they want, whatever makes them happy and leaves them feeling fulfilled.  If people would spend more time on themselves, worried about themselves a little more than everyone around them, things would be a lot better. Stop worrying so much about everyone else's lives, when you can't even manage your own life.