I don't believe in the 'pop culture' version of true love, where every girl wants the knight in shining armor, white horse, little house with a white picket fence. Those things would be nice to have, but in reality, it rarely happens that way. And if we all wait for that version of 'love', no one would be with anyone.
I believe that true love is being comfortable enough with someone to let them know every little thing about you, knowing that they won't hold it against you or throw it in your face. True love is being able to show your weaknesses and not be laughed at; show your strong points and not be seen as too 'macho' (for guys), or too 'manly' (for women); and just be yourself, without someone constantly trying to change you.
Call me crazy, but society has become too decided on the gender roles that people should play, and when anyone tries to step outside those gender roles, they are seen as different, and that is not fair.
Why can't we all just be who we are comfortable being, instead of what society says we should be? When did the societal norm for women become having to be a size 2, having perfect hair and perfect make-up from the time she wakes up until she lays down in bed, and having to cater to what her significant other wants? When did society make is to important for women to have someone in their life? A women who decides not to be with someone has to deal with the constant questions from friends, family, and co-workers about 'why aren't you dating anyone?' and 'oh, I know someone who would be perfect for you!' Why can't we just be ourselves without someone always having to put in their 2-cents about every little thing?
I'm sorry, but the day that you can manage every little thing in your life and have nothing go wrong, no problems, THAT will be the day that you can tell me who I should meet, go out with, or spend time with. Until that day, keep my life out of your mind, and leave well enough alone. When I am willing to be in a relationship again, I will take it upon MYSELF to talk to people, to put myself out there to meet someone. I don't need someone always wanting to stick their nose in and try to 'help' me. If I needed help, I would see a therapist.
Call me cynical, bitchy, whatever, but I don't think a woman has to have a man in order to be happy. There are plenty of women out there who live their lives single and happy, doing whatever they want, whatever makes them happy and leaves them feeling fulfilled. If people would spend more time on themselves, worried about themselves a little more than everyone around them, things would be a lot better. Stop worrying so much about everyone else's lives, when you can't even manage your own life.
Monday, January 10, 2011
I just can't see it...
For some reason, I can no longer see myself marrying him, spending the rest of my life with him. Nothing big has changed, at least from what I can see, but I just can't see myself with him when I think about the future.
The biggest problem is that I don't know how to tell him that, because I fear that he will over-react and take things the wrong way, the way he always does when I try to tell him how I feel. I know we need to talk about things, but it's hard to do, because we are so busy with her, his different classes he has to take, and finding a job for him, plus all the things I have to do.
That sounds like excuses, but it's not. It is fact, that we no longer have time to spend with each other because of her. Everything revolves around getting her to doctor appointments, getting her up to the bathroom, getting her up to do her physical therapy, making meals that she can eat, which have to be different than what we eat, because she can't eat spices at all.
And for some reason, it seems like it doesn't bother him at all. He still finds time to be horny, and expects me to be the same. He expects me to not be tired, not to be irritated because she feels the need to talk during shows, but is totally quiet during commercials. He expects me not to have a headache from yelling at her because she can't hear him, so I have to repeat everything he says.
I knew it was going to be a big transition, her coming to live with us, but I didn't think it was going to be this hard on me. I'm tired all the time, never feel like doing anything, haven't been sleeping right, and just in general, I feel like I'm going through each day not caring anymore. I don't care when or what I eat, what everyone else eats, what we watch on TV, when we go to bed, or when we wake up. It's like I've lost all capacity to care about anything here.
It's different when I go to see my daughter, because it's like all the feeling comes back. I care about what we do, where we go, what toys she plays with and wants me to play with her. But then I dread coming back home, because I know that all that feeling goes away as soon as I walk in that door. And I hate that feeling. I just don't know how to tell him that so much has changed, because he doesn't see it at all, and he won't understand. I just can't see myself being with him for too much longer, unless things change dramatically...
The biggest problem is that I don't know how to tell him that, because I fear that he will over-react and take things the wrong way, the way he always does when I try to tell him how I feel. I know we need to talk about things, but it's hard to do, because we are so busy with her, his different classes he has to take, and finding a job for him, plus all the things I have to do.
That sounds like excuses, but it's not. It is fact, that we no longer have time to spend with each other because of her. Everything revolves around getting her to doctor appointments, getting her up to the bathroom, getting her up to do her physical therapy, making meals that she can eat, which have to be different than what we eat, because she can't eat spices at all.
And for some reason, it seems like it doesn't bother him at all. He still finds time to be horny, and expects me to be the same. He expects me to not be tired, not to be irritated because she feels the need to talk during shows, but is totally quiet during commercials. He expects me not to have a headache from yelling at her because she can't hear him, so I have to repeat everything he says.
I knew it was going to be a big transition, her coming to live with us, but I didn't think it was going to be this hard on me. I'm tired all the time, never feel like doing anything, haven't been sleeping right, and just in general, I feel like I'm going through each day not caring anymore. I don't care when or what I eat, what everyone else eats, what we watch on TV, when we go to bed, or when we wake up. It's like I've lost all capacity to care about anything here.
It's different when I go to see my daughter, because it's like all the feeling comes back. I care about what we do, where we go, what toys she plays with and wants me to play with her. But then I dread coming back home, because I know that all that feeling goes away as soon as I walk in that door. And I hate that feeling. I just don't know how to tell him that so much has changed, because he doesn't see it at all, and he won't understand. I just can't see myself being with him for too much longer, unless things change dramatically...
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