I just can't see it...

For some reason, I can no longer see myself marrying him, spending the rest of my life with him. Nothing big has changed, at least from what I can see, but I just can't see myself with him when I think about the future.

The biggest problem is that I don't know how to tell him that, because I fear that he will over-react and take things the wrong way, the way he always does when I try to tell him how I feel. I know we need to talk about things, but it's hard to do, because we are so busy with her, his different classes he has to take, and finding a job for him, plus all the things I have to do.

That sounds like excuses, but it's not. It is fact, that we no longer have time to spend with each other because of her. Everything revolves around getting her to doctor appointments, getting her up to the bathroom, getting her up to do her physical therapy, making meals that she can eat, which have to be different than what we eat, because she can't eat spices at all.

And for some reason, it seems like it doesn't bother him at all. He still finds time to be horny, and expects me to be the same. He expects  me to not be tired, not to be irritated because she feels the need to talk during shows, but is totally quiet during commercials. He expects me not to have a headache from yelling at her because she can't hear him, so I have to repeat everything he says.

I knew it was going to be a big transition, her coming to live with us, but I didn't think it was going to be this hard on me. I'm tired all the time, never feel like doing anything, haven't been sleeping right, and just in general, I feel like I'm going through each day not caring anymore. I don't care when or what I eat, what everyone else eats, what we watch on TV, when we go to bed, or when we wake up. It's like I've lost all capacity to care about anything here.

It's different when I go to see my daughter, because it's like all the feeling comes back. I care about what we do, where we go, what toys she plays with and wants me to play with her. But then I dread coming back home, because I know that all that feeling goes away as soon as I walk in that door. And I hate that feeling. I just don't know how to tell him that so much has changed, because he doesn't see it at all, and he won't understand. I just can't see myself being with him for too much longer, unless things change dramatically...