For whatever reason, I can't seem to get through to him. His family tells me that they can tell that he loves me, that he doesn't want to lose me, yet he can't seem to fathom showing me how me feels? How is it that everyone else can see it, yet he can't show it to me? Is there something wrong with me? I love him and I want to be with him, I want to marry him, but with the way things are going, I feel like I'm wasting my time. No one deserves to be treated like this, but I have no where to go. I wish I did, because being told that I'm a bitch, a whore, a cunt, a worthless piece of shit who doesn't know anything and can't understand anything is not a place where I want to be. And yet he doesn't understand that. 

He has told me that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and that he says those things when he's pissed simply because he's trying to hurt me, not because he believes them to be true. Well, I'm sorry but I can't be with someone who tries to hurt me with words. You can't take those back, no matter how hard you try. Once you ring that bell, it cannot be un-rung.

You know, I feel like such a fool, staying here with him when I know that I'm not wanted. If I had somewhere to go, I would have left a long time ago. For all the 'friends' that I have on Facebook and MySpace and Yahoo, there is not one of them that would be able or willing to take me on as a roommate. I know my sister would, but she's four hours away and I have no car to come down to see my daughter. Whatever did I do to become so screwed in life? 

Am I really supposed to be treated this way, was I destined to be miserable with someone that hates me for the rest of my life? Am I supposed to be treated so my thirst for knowledge is a bad thing, that my love of sports is 'too much like a man', that I am less than a woman because I can do most of the things that a man can do? Am I supposed to play the 'damsel in distress' in order to 'find' a man that will love me for me, not try to change me, not treat me like I am worthless, tell me that I am beautiful at random times, not just when he wants to have sex. I don't even know what it's like to have someone like that or what it's like to 'make love', instead of just the act of sex. 

I have no idea what I need or what I want or why I am still here or even if I should leave or try to ride things out and hope things get better. I want to be with him, more than I have ever wanted to be with someone. But do I really want to be with someone that treats me like a piece of property that needs to be controlled? Do I really want to be with him, or am I here because I needed to get out of Dad's? Do I love him for who he is, or for who I want him to be? I know that people never change unless they want to change, and that they cannot be forced into changing, but I just can't see why he does not see what he is doing to me.

He is pushing me away and I have no idea to get back to him. I feel like he has pushed me away so far that he will never be able to get me back, not like it was when we first met. I don't even know if I can trust him, not after all the horrible things that he has said to me, the names he has called me, all the times he has apologized for what he has done, yet continues to do. I have no idea what I am supposed to do. He keeps breaking up with me, telling me that he has never wanted me, never loved me, yet the next day or a few hours later, he acts like everything is fine and we are back together. I hate when he does that. I have a personal rule: When I break up with someone or they break up with me, I do not get back with them. I did that with Jake and all that got me was more pain. Yet I find myself doing the same thing with him, simply because I have no where to go and no one to come 'rescue' me from my situation. 

I want to be with him, but I cannot think of legitimate reasons why I want to be with him, why I love him. All I get from him is more and more heartache and pain. Like I said before many times, have the Gods and Goddesses decided that I did something horrible, despicable in a past life that forced them to decide to punish me in this life? Or am I really just not able to be in a relationship with anyone that will treat me right? Is there something in me that just causes me not to be able to get along with a man longer than a few months? Do I really have that abrasive of a personality that no one can stand to be with me longer than that, that every man sees me as 'one of the guys' or just a one-night stand? What did I do to deserve to be treated this way? 

All I want is to have someone love me for me, and enjoy the simple, little things in life. I don't need the material things, going out to dinner all the time, the man spending money on me, in order for me to feel loved and wanted. Maybe I am just trying to live in a make-believe world, that a man like that does not actually exist except in romance novels and cheap magazines that housewives read while eating bon-bons. Maybe I am asking for too much from a man, asking for more than men are able and/or willing to give. Or maybe I really am destined to be either miserable alone or miserable with someone that hates me. 

But now that I have complained, yet again, about him and I know that nothing will change, I will end this and go to bed, as it is 3AM here.