Just a few thoughts on my life...

Sadly, there are only a few people that have stood with me through it all, the good times and the bad. Those of you who have stood by me know exactly who you are. To all the others, this one's for you. 

Fuck you and the fucking horse you rode in on! I'm done trying to pacify you because all it does is make my life a total, living hell.

So, now that I have taken that moment to get my thoughts out on the perverbial table, I would like to explain why I feel this way. I have been through abuse in my childhood that hardly anyone knows about because it is still too fucking hard for me to relive. I have been through boyfriends that have tried, and succeeded, to beat me down in any way possible. I have been through a teen pregnancy, where most of my friends decided that I was no longer "acceptable" as a viable part of their "circle". I have been through my mother trying to make herself feel better by making me feel useless and unimportant. I have been through people ~ family, friends, and otherwise ~ telling me that I am a horrible mother because I didn't "do what they would have done".  I have been through boyfriends that cheated and lied and wanted more than I was willing to give. I have been through hell and back, and yet here I am, still surviving, still thriving, no matter what you people try to do to keep me down. I will rise above.

I am sick and fucking tired of people telling me that I "shouldn't feel the way" I do, because these people have no idea what the hell I've been through, what I've done and how long I have struggled to get where I am today, no thanks to you mother-fuckers that tried everything in your power to keep me down. I have done things that are not "mainstream" in today's culture, but I don't give a flying you-know-what. I am the furthest thing from "mainstream". Whoever decided on what is "normal", "mainstream", or "acceptable" sure didn't understand that no one is the same as everyone else. To put it in the words of Gretchen Wilson, I am politically un-correct. And I'm damn proud of that fact. I am so sick of people telling me that I can't make comments about black or mexican people, because it isn't "politically correct". Well, I don't care. Blacks can call white people "cracker", so why can't we call them "niggers"? Why can't I make comments about blacks and spics being on welfare because they can't keep their legs closed long enough to actually hold down a job (I know, it's never gonna happen) to pay for the kids they already have? Why do I have to cow-tow to what someone else deems as being "the correct way to refer to different races"? 

I'm not a racist person. Ask anyone that knows me well. I just call things how I see them, and that gets on people's nerves. I'm not going to sugar-coat things, just to make other people comfortable. Not after all that I have been through. I have always been a smartass, been someone that does not deal well with drama, bullshit, lies, fake people, and people who try to pacify others. Life is too damn short to spend it trying to make others happy, while leaving yourself for last. I have put too many people above me, and I'm done with it. From now on, I'm going to do what benefits me, what is good for me, what I want to do, regardless of what other people think about me. I'm done trying to make everyone else happy, while I lie in bed at night crying myself to sleep because my true self, my true personality has been kept locked up for so long. 

There was a time, a long time, when I kept my true self, my true personality to myself and didn't let anyone see me for who I really am. But I am done with that now. I can no longer let people push me around, walk all over me for their benefit, while I sit here, wondering why the hell I didn't speak up. 

So to all the people that have stood by me, helping me with whatever they can, even just a shoulder to cry on or an ear to talk off, thank you. You will never know how thankful I am that you were there.  Even the little things, the seemingly insignificant things, that you may not have even been aware that you were doing to help me, believe me, I would not be here if it were not for you. There have been so many times when I thought about taking my own life, but you have helped me through the hard times, the bad times when I felt like saying "fuck the world, I'm outta here!" I truly hope that you all believe me when I say that you have helped me in more ways than you will probably ever know and for that, I am forever grateful. I would not be who I am today without you.