I have no idea how I'm going to get through the next 18 months. Just in the last two months, I've gotten so damn bored with everything. It's the same shit every day, all day. I absolutely HATE taking care of his grandmother, knowing that I have no where else to do, I can't force his mother to take his grandmother, because I know he would never forgive me if I did, even though he tries to tell me different. This was all dumped on my lap, his grandmother and everything else, and I don't like it. But I have no option, other than moving in with my sister in Janesville, and I really don't want to do that, simply because she is 2 weeks married and has 4 kids. Not a lot of room for me. I don't really feel like riding the couch and feeling like a live-in babysitter. I know my sister wouldn't treat me like that on purpose, but I know both she and her now-husband are busy and taking care of 4 kids is a hand full. I love my sister, but I honestly don't know how she does it. 


And I try to talk to people - my dad, my grandma, even my sister - about things, and all they tell me is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" (grandma), "You are doing a great thing, taking all of this on. You are a great girl with a level head on your shoulders. You can do this. Just depend on yourself and your strengths and you will be fine" (Dad), "Why don't you drop off grandma off at his mom's and move in with us>" (my sister). I guess what I'm looking for is a shoulder to cry on, so to speak, someone that will listen to me and not try to fix things or tell me what they would do in my position. I guess my only option is to swallow my complaints and go about my business. It's hard, because sometimes I feel like things are going to over-whelm me and I'll just crack and go crazy. Writing things down doesn't help, because I just get more upset, due to re-living the things that had upset me. 


I guess I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. I didn't ask for this, but I have no other option. Sadly, I don't think I will be with him after he gets out. I just can't deal with it anymore. I had promised that I would stay until he gets out, to be able to take care of his grandma, but after he gets out, I doubt that I'll be around much longer. I just need to find a job and save money (hard thing to do when I'm trying to take care of everything else here that takes money) and find my own place. Hopefully, I'll be able to move back to Waukesha and be by my friends and familiar places and have my own place and have my daughter back. 


I haven't really felt love towards him in a long time. But I can't tell him that, not while he's in jail. I'm only here out of convenience, not love or lust or even friendship.