So .... I found out over the weekend that my ex, my daughter's father, is expecting a baby with his girlfriend. She is due Sept. 27, THREE DAYS before my 26th birthday. A guy that can't pay proper attention to his 8 year old daughter when she is with him, can't get up in the morning to make sure she gets to school safely, and wants to prove to the courts that I am a bad mother, is going to have another baby. And it bugs the hell out of me.

It's not that I want to be with him, or have another child with him, or anything. I just hate how things seem to be going along just fine for everyone else, but not for me. He seems so happy and to be honest, I'm jealous as hell that they are having a baby. I want another baby, but the man I'm with has so many kids already, and has already said multiple times that he doesn't really want more kids, but will have more with me just because I want more. I don't want to force him to be a father again, when he has pretty clearly told me that he has enough kids already. But I can't ignore the fact that I want more kids. And I don't know if I can be with him. I have already decided that I will not marry him while his grandma is living with us, because it is just too much for me. I just can't imagine trying to plan a wedding while she's still alive. Call me self-centered, bitchy, mean, whatever ... I just will not marry him while she's alive. Unless she is NOT living with us anymore. 

I can't stand to have her here now, I can't imagine trying to live a married life and everything else that goes along with it while she is here. I know it's not much different in terms of living and taking care of things, but I just can't stand the idea of having her here while we are married. She is too important to him for me to play second fiddle to her for the next however-many years she'll still be alive. I don't even know if I can marry him. There are too many issues between us that haven't been resolved, and probably won't be resolved, because every time I try to talk to him about things, he gets defensive and tells me it is all my fault that we don't get along. It is honestly like I'm just supposed to do whatever he wants me to do, say whatever he wants me to say, and wear whatever he wants me to wear, just to make him happy, while I stay miserable and contemplate leaving him. Which I do on a daily basis, by the way. The only reason I haven't left yet is because I just don't have a job and the money to pay for my own place. My sister says I can move in with her and her fiancée and their 4 kids, but, as much as I love my sister and her family, I just can't imagine being myself and finding my way in life by living with them and riding the couch. 

I want to win the lottery and move out, get my own place and decorate it, do my own thing, and not have to worry about anything with him anymore. Maybe I can talk to my dad and convince him to let me take over his house when he moves, instead of leaving it to go into foreclosure. I need to get a job to be able to pay the cable, phone, internet, and other bills, but other than that, Dad would be sending me the payment for the mortgage. I think. I just want to get back to Waukesha and my friends. I feel like I'm suffocating here, because there are so many things that are unresolved. He's trying to change everything about me, and I just want someone that will accept me for me and not try to mold me into some kind of make-up every day, knee-high boots with pants tucked in, skin tight shirts with tits hanging out absurdly, looking like a whore that just walked out of the whore house, woman. It's like I can't be myself anymore. He wants me to be who he thinks I should be, but that's not me. I was raised to be myself and not worry about what others think about me, yet he wants me to start worrying about what he thinks 'because he has to be seen with me when we go somewhere'. Well, I don't really care. I can't dress up and look 'sexy' (as he calls it) when I feel like I'm just there to be his little sex slave, wearing whatever he wants me to wear, not being able to have an opinion, because if I voice my opinion or my thoughts, I get into trouble. 

It is so frustrating, to have someone not listen to you, have someone talk over you whenever you try to tell them what you are thinking and feeling, have someone tell you things that you have no reason to feel that way, that they don't understand why you feel that way, because no one in the world would look at things the same way you do.