I don't think I can do this alone...

So I had my beautiful baby girl this past Wednesday. She's wonderful. I love her to pieces. I just don't think I can do this alone. I find myself crying at random things, feeling like nothing I do will ever be good enough, like I'm never going to be able to provide for my daughters without relying on other people. I miss her dad, which is stupid, because all he did was hurt me, but if he were here, at least I wouldn't be alone. There would be someone to help me at night, someone to talk to when I feel like crying, someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

Just STOP!

I know that my friends mean the best and want the best for me and probably don't realize this, but it is irritating, annoying, and downright mean and hurtful sometimes to constantly tell me that I was stupid for being with Rick, that I "got what I deserved" (meaning getting pregnant by him instead of leaving him), and that I should just give her up instead of have him in my life for the rest of mine. If I really wanted your opinions, I would ask you or talk to you about it. But...since I don't talk to you about him or any of the issues that I'm having/feelings I'm feeling, don't just think that you can blurt out your thoughts like I should just follow what you say and not think for myself. Yea, I realize that I could have been smarter and left him long ago, or not even started dating him. I realize that I should have left him alone when he went to jail in March. I would leave now if I didn't need the money to provide a place to sleep for my child when she arrives in less than 2 months, because I don't have any savings. Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda....hindsight is always 20/20, and believe me, there isn't anything you or anyone else can tell me that I probably haven't thought of or told myself already. So please....Unless I solicit your opinions, keep them to yourself. I am a strong person, and I will get through this. Now if you want to offer your help, that's fine. But really, I am 26, almost 27, and I don't need people telling me the obvious, or telling me what I should think, feel, do, or anything else. 

Sometimes, I just feel like walking into the lake and not allowing my head to come back above water. It's been so long since I actually thought that I was going to be fine and be able to provide for myself, that I wonder if that's even possible anymore. Maybe I am a failure, like my egg donor's parents said 16 years ago. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore about all of this, how I'm feeling, because my grandma, dad, and older brother (not that I really talked to my brother) are all in Florida, and my best friend has her family 2 hours away. Yea, I live with a friend and co-worker, but we aren't that close where I can tell him things that are bothering me, or issues that I'm having with trying to stay away from the guy that knocked me up then went to jail for domestic abuse, only to be sentenced to just disorderly conduct and receive 18 months probation. 


I can't do this on my own, but I know I'm going to have to learn quickly how to, because there is no one else I can count on but myself. (Although there are days (more often than not) when I really just want to climb into bed and have someone else make all the decisions for me.) 

So much has happened.......

It's been so long since I wrote anything and so much has happened. I'm happy to say that I'm about 12 weeks pregnant...BUT....the father isn't in the picture, because he is in jail for domestic abuse against me. He isn't actually charged with domestic; rather he's been charged with disorderly conduct, resisting an officer (cuz he ran when I called the cops on him), and intimating a victim (cuz he broke the mandatory 72 hour restraining order by calling me 84 times in less than 8 hours.) 

I hate feeling this alone, like I'm not worth anything or anyone. It's hard, because I have had problems all my life with feeling inadequate, feeling worthless, and feeling like I'm not worth it for anyone to date, marry, or spend their life with, like I'm only good as a sex partner. I hate feeling like that, but how can I change it? How can I change how I feel about myself, when I'm all alone? How do I love myself, when no one loves me? 

Anyway, I'm excited and nervous about the baby. I find out in a few months what I'm going to have, but I'm just hoping that the baby is healthy and nothing goes wrong. I wish with everything that I am that the baby is healthy. I can't imagine what it would do to me. I have wanted another child for so long, that if I were to lose this one, it would probably destroy me, regardless of how much it hurts to be away from him. 

God, it hurts so much.....more than when my daughter's father broke up with me, more than when my mother said she wished she never had me, more than when my grandfather died. I don't know why it hurts so bad, other than maybe it hurts so bad because I feel so alone? I don't even know. That makes it hard too, not knowing for sure which emotions are what, which ones come from which trigger. I wish I had the option to talk to someone that could help, but I don't have a therapist anymore, and all my friends that I would talk to are busy with their lives,. too busy to be bothered with my many problems. I don't blame them, it's all part of being an adult, having to take care of yourself and your own problems. Still, it would be nice to be able to talk to someone that didn't tell me that they have nothing to say. I don't want someone to tell me what to do or how to feel; just someone to listen and be sympathetic, let me cry on their shoulder and release all these pent-up emotions. But I can't do that. I've always been the strong one, the one to suffer silently. Like Bella Swan, as Rick said many times. I hide my feelings, because to show my feelings is to set myself up to get hurt. Well, whether I show my feelings or not, I still get hurt, so what's the point in hiding or showing off? 

The hardest part is, I still love him. I know I should get over him and move on, but it's so hard. I think his name or hear it, and my heart skips. I dream about raising our family together, getting married and buying a house. The problem is, my head knows that none of that will happen, but my heart thinks differently. It is damn near impossible for my head and my heart to find a common ground. It's an on-going battle, neither one willing to give an inch so that I can stop hurting. No matter what I try - staying up all night, not sleeping, to try to avoid dreaming of him; surrounding myself with books and movies and music, anything that will attempt to take my mind off him; drowning my sorrows in pizza, ice cream, cookies, and other bad food - Rick still manages to creep into my mind and ruin whatever meager solace I managed to find from the pain. 

And....while I realize that everything is so messed up (I'm living with Chris now, instead of having my own place at 26, and being in control of my life), I am optimistic that things will eventually change for the better. It can't get much worse than all of this, right? I sure hope not. I don't know how much more I can take of all of this.......