So today is my lovely daughter's birthday. I, sadly and by my own horrible and selfish decisions, have not seen her for more than 2 years. In fact, it will be 3 years next May since I spent any real time with her; last actual time I saw her in person was at her school winter concert. You may not be able to tell, but it kills me every day to know that I have no one to blame but myself for this situation of not being a proper mother to my child. Sure, I have tried to reason with myself about why I chose the decisions I did, telling myself I was young and immature and didn't fully realize the consequences of my actions. Or telling myself that, since her dad remarried, my daughter would have a mother-figure and she would be ok.
But I can't hide behind those words anymore. The truth is, I chose a guy and a relationship over my daughter. I am not proud of what I did. I'm really not. It hurts me every day to know that my child is growing up without me, because of my selfishness, because I thought I was better than everyone, that no one could destroy my perfect world.
Boy was I wrong! Someone did destroy it. ME! I destroyed it. I took a beautiful little girl who was stuck in the sad place of having mommy and daddy not together, of having to go back and forth to Grandpa's to see mommy, and I threw it all away.
My little girl is now in 5th grade. I've missed so much, and I'll never be able to get it back. And it's all my fault. Dealing with the consequences of other peoples' actions is one thing...but dealing with the consequences of your own actions and the how those consequences affect someone you should have loved and protected above all else...it is very humbling.
I should have realized all this years ago, but apparently, I needed the time to mature and pull my head out of whatever orifice or hold in the ground it was in, because now I fully understand the importance of not leaving my child behind, of not choosing a relationship over my own flesh and blood.
So, that being said, I apologize to everyone that I hurt, especially my sweetheart of a daughter. I'm so sorry I let my body make decisions and not my brain. I hope you can forgive me, eventually. I know I have no right to expect you to forgive me right now. I just hope you don't hate me. I hope you don't have any problems that stem from me being so unstable in the past. I promise that my life is getting back on track and I will do what is needed to make you proud of me again.
I love you honey. And I'm so sorry.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
Life Sentence
I just love eating tasteless, burned food. Every time she cooks (which is almost every night, since she doesn't trust anyone else in 'her' kitchen), she starts cooking between 3 and 3:30pm, then leaves it sit on the stove or in the oven for at least an hour before we eat at 5:30. Like today, for example...beef stew meat in the pan by 3:15, smells like burning meat. Its now almost 4:45 and the burner is still on medium heat, no extra water in the pan. She uses no spices when she cooks, claiming she can't digest them, but when anyone else manages to cook n use spices, she gobbles up the food like its the best since sliced bread.
She still ignores me. Would I be wrong to keep my daughter from interacting with her while she stubbornly ignores me? I treat grandma like I treat the kid's sperm donor...you don't want to be around "that baby", then I will make sure you won't be. Why should she get the joy of playing with her, when she not only ignores me but counteracts everything I say and do with MY daughter. I say don't feed the dogs, only adults do it...grandma makes her feed the dogs after lunch today. I say popsicle after dinner as dessert, grandma says she can't have it cuz she "can't digest cold things", yet grandma fed her ice cream the day before. How are ice cream and Popsicles any different from each other??
Oh, and she won't let anyone else clean 'her' kitchen, but she won't even use soap most of the time to wash dishes. She waters down the dish soap and laundry soap and dishwasher soap, trying to save money, yet it costs more to do it her way, seeing as she has to wash everything 2 and 3 and 4 times with watered down soap just to get things clean. But she doesn't see it that way.
I can't wait to get out of here. As my brother (who is also staying here) said, "I didn't realize living with grandma meant a life sentence."
She still ignores me. Would I be wrong to keep my daughter from interacting with her while she stubbornly ignores me? I treat grandma like I treat the kid's sperm donor...you don't want to be around "that baby", then I will make sure you won't be. Why should she get the joy of playing with her, when she not only ignores me but counteracts everything I say and do with MY daughter. I say don't feed the dogs, only adults do it...grandma makes her feed the dogs after lunch today. I say popsicle after dinner as dessert, grandma says she can't have it cuz she "can't digest cold things", yet grandma fed her ice cream the day before. How are ice cream and Popsicles any different from each other??
Oh, and she won't let anyone else clean 'her' kitchen, but she won't even use soap most of the time to wash dishes. She waters down the dish soap and laundry soap and dishwasher soap, trying to save money, yet it costs more to do it her way, seeing as she has to wash everything 2 and 3 and 4 times with watered down soap just to get things clean. But she doesn't see it that way.
I can't wait to get out of here. As my brother (who is also staying here) said, "I didn't realize living with grandma meant a life sentence."
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
There are no words...
There really are no words for her. She is spiteful, rude, crude, angry, and thinks no one but her is right. I sometimes think that my grandpa died in '08 just to get away from that horrible woman. I know it's not true, but I do wonder. She is insufferable and no amount of talking, yelling, arguing, or ignoring changes anything.
The worst part of it is the constant inconsistencies in what she says and does, but doesn't see. She refuses to have anyone but her do the laundry, yet she constantly forgets to put soap in, or she puts in enough clothes for an extra large load but only sets the machine for a medium load (to 'save money' as she says), or my personal favorite, when she puts a pair of shorts into the dryer for a few seconds before handing it out to dry (we hang everything cuz we are in Florida, so why use the dryer) because those few seconds in the dryer 'keeps the shorts from wrinkling'. Those were her exact words. She won't even consider the fact that the clothes wrinkle when you fold them or wear them. That doesn't matter. The clothes must be wrinkle free when you first put them on. Being wrinkle free doesn't matter much when the clothes still smell of body odor, sweat, food, ect., whatever was on the clothes when they were put in the wash!
I know I should bite my tongue because she's my grandma, but she can't do anything right. It wears on me, because I'm always wrong. It's like living with my mother again...I'm never right, whatever I do with my daughter is wrong. She says she raised 4 kids so she knows what she's doing. The problem is, if you looked at the problems her kids have, she didn't do such a great job raising them at all! I know I'm not perfect by any means, but when someone tells me I have an attitude or a problem, I can at least look at my actions and, begrudgingly, admit my faults. I couldn't do that a few months ago, but grandma can't do it at all. Her favorite comeback is "well, I'm 82. I've been doing it this way for 30 years. Don't yell at me. I have rights too and I'll just call the cops for elder abuse cuz you keep yelling." But she can't call for elder abuse, cuz in order for it to be elder abuse in FL, the person has to have guardianship over her, like (what's the word...) when someone names someone in their living will as the person to make medical or financial decisions if she becomes unable to do so. I forget what the term is, and since I'm on my mobile, I can't look it up at the moment.
Anyway, I'm done ranting. I hate putting it out where the public can see it, but maybe someone can help me get through this without losing my mind or completely washing my hands of one of the few family members that have always, and I mean ALWAYS, stood by me and didn't say a word against my bad decisions.
Although her car transmission did die in her car today, so her attitude is so much worse, but I can't give her any leeway, because any given is used and abused. If anyone says anything, they are wrong. But if no one says anything, she won't shut up, asking everyone what she did wrong to piss them off. It is a never ending cycle.
The worst part of it is the constant inconsistencies in what she says and does, but doesn't see. She refuses to have anyone but her do the laundry, yet she constantly forgets to put soap in, or she puts in enough clothes for an extra large load but only sets the machine for a medium load (to 'save money' as she says), or my personal favorite, when she puts a pair of shorts into the dryer for a few seconds before handing it out to dry (we hang everything cuz we are in Florida, so why use the dryer) because those few seconds in the dryer 'keeps the shorts from wrinkling'. Those were her exact words. She won't even consider the fact that the clothes wrinkle when you fold them or wear them. That doesn't matter. The clothes must be wrinkle free when you first put them on. Being wrinkle free doesn't matter much when the clothes still smell of body odor, sweat, food, ect., whatever was on the clothes when they were put in the wash!
I know I should bite my tongue because she's my grandma, but she can't do anything right. It wears on me, because I'm always wrong. It's like living with my mother again...I'm never right, whatever I do with my daughter is wrong. She says she raised 4 kids so she knows what she's doing. The problem is, if you looked at the problems her kids have, she didn't do such a great job raising them at all! I know I'm not perfect by any means, but when someone tells me I have an attitude or a problem, I can at least look at my actions and, begrudgingly, admit my faults. I couldn't do that a few months ago, but grandma can't do it at all. Her favorite comeback is "well, I'm 82. I've been doing it this way for 30 years. Don't yell at me. I have rights too and I'll just call the cops for elder abuse cuz you keep yelling." But she can't call for elder abuse, cuz in order for it to be elder abuse in FL, the person has to have guardianship over her, like (what's the word...) when someone names someone in their living will as the person to make medical or financial decisions if she becomes unable to do so. I forget what the term is, and since I'm on my mobile, I can't look it up at the moment.
Anyway, I'm done ranting. I hate putting it out where the public can see it, but maybe someone can help me get through this without losing my mind or completely washing my hands of one of the few family members that have always, and I mean ALWAYS, stood by me and didn't say a word against my bad decisions.
Although her car transmission did die in her car today, so her attitude is so much worse, but I can't give her any leeway, because any given is used and abused. If anyone says anything, they are wrong. But if no one says anything, she won't shut up, asking everyone what she did wrong to piss them off. It is a never ending cycle.
Friday, November 1, 2013
9 days....
So I've been in Florida for 9 days now and things have been...difficult. The grandma I knew isn't here anymore. She wakes up in such a horrible mood every day, for no known reason either to herself or someone else, yet gets upset when we either don't talk to her due to her attitude or when we say something about her attitude. Whether we do or don't, we are wrong.
It is like living with my mother again. How I raise my daughter is wrong, how I feed her is wrong, how I dress her is wrong. It is 80+ degrees daily here in Florida and, since we (my daughter and I) had previously lived in WI, my daughter isn't really acclimated to the FL heat yet. But my grandma, who has lived in FL for almost 30 years, thinks 75 degrees is cold and thinks I should dress my daughter in long sleeves and pants when the high is forecasted to be lower than 80.
I'm not sure if my grandma has Alzheimer's or dementia or if she has always been like this and just put on an act while we visited FL or she and grandpa (R.I.P.) visited WI. I don't know what is going on with her, but she makes me want to go back to WI. It really is worse than living with my mother.
Very rarely will anyone be able to have a conversation with her about anything of importance. She complains about bills, but will buy crap she doesn't need or insist on paying for something for me or my daughter that I can pay for. It is very tiring, stressful, depressing, any other word you can think of.
It is like living with my mother again. How I raise my daughter is wrong, how I feed her is wrong, how I dress her is wrong. It is 80+ degrees daily here in Florida and, since we (my daughter and I) had previously lived in WI, my daughter isn't really acclimated to the FL heat yet. But my grandma, who has lived in FL for almost 30 years, thinks 75 degrees is cold and thinks I should dress my daughter in long sleeves and pants when the high is forecasted to be lower than 80.
I'm not sure if my grandma has Alzheimer's or dementia or if she has always been like this and just put on an act while we visited FL or she and grandpa (R.I.P.) visited WI. I don't know what is going on with her, but she makes me want to go back to WI. It really is worse than living with my mother.
Very rarely will anyone be able to have a conversation with her about anything of importance. She complains about bills, but will buy crap she doesn't need or insist on paying for something for me or my daughter that I can pay for. It is very tiring, stressful, depressing, any other word you can think of.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)