Happy Birthday

So today is my lovely daughter's birthday. I, sadly and by my own horrible and selfish decisions, have not seen her for more than 2 years. In fact, it will be 3 years next May since I spent any real time with her; last actual time I saw her in person was at her school winter concert. You may not be able to tell, but it kills me every day to know that I have no one to blame but myself for this situation of not being a proper mother to my child. Sure, I have tried to reason with myself about why I chose the decisions I did, telling myself I was young and immature and didn't fully realize the consequences of my actions. Or telling myself that, since her dad remarried, my daughter would have a mother-figure and she would be ok.

But I can't hide behind those words anymore. The truth is, I chose a guy and a relationship over my daughter. I am not proud of what I did. I'm really not. It hurts me every day to know that my child is growing up without me, because of my selfishness, because I thought I was better than everyone, that no one could destroy my perfect world.

Boy was I wrong! Someone did destroy it. ME! I destroyed it. I took a beautiful little girl who was stuck in the sad place of having mommy and daddy not together, of having to go back and forth to Grandpa's to see mommy, and I threw it all away.

My little girl is now in 5th grade. I've missed so much, and I'll never be able to get it back. And it's all my fault. Dealing with the consequences of other peoples' actions is one thing...but dealing with the consequences of your own actions and the how those consequences affect someone you should have loved and protected above all else...it is very humbling.

I should have realized all this years ago, but apparently, I needed the time to mature and pull my head out of whatever orifice or hold in the ground it was in, because now I fully understand the importance of not leaving my child behind, of not choosing a relationship over my own flesh and blood.

So, that being said, I apologize to everyone that I hurt, especially my sweetheart of a daughter. I'm so sorry I let my body make decisions and not my brain. I hope you can forgive me, eventually. I know I have no right to expect you to forgive me right now. I just hope you don't hate me. I hope you don't have any problems that stem from me being so unstable in the past. I promise that my life is getting back on track and I will do what is needed to make you proud of me again.

I love you honey. And I'm so sorry.