Happy Birthday

So today is my lovely daughter's birthday. I, sadly and by my own horrible and selfish decisions, have not seen her for more than 2 years. In fact, it will be 3 years next May since I spent any real time with her; last actual time I saw her in person was at her school winter concert. You may not be able to tell, but it kills me every day to know that I have no one to blame but myself for this situation of not being a proper mother to my child. Sure, I have tried to reason with myself about why I chose the decisions I did, telling myself I was young and immature and didn't fully realize the consequences of my actions. Or telling myself that, since her dad remarried, my daughter would have a mother-figure and she would be ok.

But I can't hide behind those words anymore. The truth is, I chose a guy and a relationship over my daughter. I am not proud of what I did. I'm really not. It hurts me every day to know that my child is growing up without me, because of my selfishness, because I thought I was better than everyone, that no one could destroy my perfect world.

Boy was I wrong! Someone did destroy it. ME! I destroyed it. I took a beautiful little girl who was stuck in the sad place of having mommy and daddy not together, of having to go back and forth to Grandpa's to see mommy, and I threw it all away.

My little girl is now in 5th grade. I've missed so much, and I'll never be able to get it back. And it's all my fault. Dealing with the consequences of other peoples' actions is one thing...but dealing with the consequences of your own actions and the how those consequences affect someone you should have loved and protected above all else...it is very humbling.

I should have realized all this years ago, but apparently, I needed the time to mature and pull my head out of whatever orifice or hold in the ground it was in, because now I fully understand the importance of not leaving my child behind, of not choosing a relationship over my own flesh and blood.

So, that being said, I apologize to everyone that I hurt, especially my sweetheart of a daughter. I'm so sorry I let my body make decisions and not my brain. I hope you can forgive me, eventually. I know I have no right to expect you to forgive me right now. I just hope you don't hate me. I hope you don't have any problems that stem from me being so unstable in the past. I promise that my life is getting back on track and I will do what is needed to make you proud of me again.

I love you honey. And I'm so sorry.

There are no words...

There really are no words for her. She is spiteful, rude, crude, angry, and thinks no one but her is right. I sometimes think that my grandpa died in '08 just to get away from that horrible woman. I know it's not true, but I do wonder. She is insufferable and no amount of talking, yelling, arguing, or ignoring changes anything.

The worst part of it is the constant inconsistencies in what she says and does, but doesn't see. She refuses to have anyone but her do the laundry, yet she constantly forgets to put soap in, or she puts in enough clothes for an extra large load but only sets the machine for a medium load (to 'save money' as she says), or my personal favorite, when she puts a pair of shorts into the dryer for a few seconds before handing it out to dry (we hang everything cuz we are in Florida, so why use the dryer) because those few seconds in the dryer 'keeps the shorts from wrinkling'. Those were her exact words. She won't even consider the fact that the clothes wrinkle when you fold them or wear them. That doesn't matter. The clothes must be wrinkle free when you first put them on. Being wrinkle free doesn't matter much when the clothes still smell of body odor, sweat, food, ect., whatever was on the clothes when they were put in the wash!

I know I should bite my tongue because she's my grandma, but she can't do anything right. It wears on me, because I'm always wrong. It's like living with my mother again...I'm never right, whatever I do with my daughter is wrong. She says she raised 4 kids so she knows what she's doing. The problem is, if you looked at the problems her kids have, she didn't do such a great job raising them at all! I know I'm not perfect by any means, but when someone tells me I have an attitude or a problem, I can at least look at my actions and, begrudgingly, admit my faults. I couldn't do that a few months ago, but grandma can't do it at all. Her favorite comeback is "well, I'm 82. I've been doing it this way for 30 years. Don't yell at me. I have rights too and I'll just call the cops for elder abuse cuz you keep yelling." But she can't call for elder abuse, cuz in order for it to be elder abuse in FL, the person has to have guardianship over her, like (what's the word...) when someone names someone in their living will as the person to make medical or financial decisions if she becomes unable to do so. I forget what the term is, and since I'm on my mobile, I can't look it up at the moment.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I hate putting it out where the public can see it, but maybe someone can help me get through this without losing my mind or completely washing my hands of one of the few family members that have always, and I mean ALWAYS, stood by me and didn't say a word against my bad decisions.

Although her car transmission did die in her car today, so her attitude is so much worse, but I can't give her any leeway, because any given is used and abused. If anyone says anything, they are wrong. But if no one says anything, she won't shut up, asking everyone what she did wrong to piss them off. It is a never ending cycle.

Just a few thoughts on my life...

Sadly, there are only a few people that have stood with me through it all, the good times and the bad. Those of you who have stood by me know exactly who you are. To all the others, this one's for you. 

Fuck you and the fucking horse you rode in on! I'm done trying to pacify you because all it does is make my life a total, living hell.

So, now that I have taken that moment to get my thoughts out on the perverbial table, I would like to explain why I feel this way. I have been through abuse in my childhood that hardly anyone knows about because it is still too fucking hard for me to relive. I have been through boyfriends that have tried, and succeeded, to beat me down in any way possible. I have been through a teen pregnancy, where most of my friends decided that I was no longer "acceptable" as a viable part of their "circle". I have been through my mother trying to make herself feel better by making me feel useless and unimportant. I have been through people ~ family, friends, and otherwise ~ telling me that I am a horrible mother because I didn't "do what they would have done".  I have been through boyfriends that cheated and lied and wanted more than I was willing to give. I have been through hell and back, and yet here I am, still surviving, still thriving, no matter what you people try to do to keep me down. I will rise above.

I am sick and fucking tired of people telling me that I "shouldn't feel the way" I do, because these people have no idea what the hell I've been through, what I've done and how long I have struggled to get where I am today, no thanks to you mother-fuckers that tried everything in your power to keep me down. I have done things that are not "mainstream" in today's culture, but I don't give a flying you-know-what. I am the furthest thing from "mainstream". Whoever decided on what is "normal", "mainstream", or "acceptable" sure didn't understand that no one is the same as everyone else. To put it in the words of Gretchen Wilson, I am politically un-correct. And I'm damn proud of that fact. I am so sick of people telling me that I can't make comments about black or mexican people, because it isn't "politically correct". Well, I don't care. Blacks can call white people "cracker", so why can't we call them "niggers"? Why can't I make comments about blacks and spics being on welfare because they can't keep their legs closed long enough to actually hold down a job (I know, it's never gonna happen) to pay for the kids they already have? Why do I have to cow-tow to what someone else deems as being "the correct way to refer to different races"? 

I'm not a racist person. Ask anyone that knows me well. I just call things how I see them, and that gets on people's nerves. I'm not going to sugar-coat things, just to make other people comfortable. Not after all that I have been through. I have always been a smartass, been someone that does not deal well with drama, bullshit, lies, fake people, and people who try to pacify others. Life is too damn short to spend it trying to make others happy, while leaving yourself for last. I have put too many people above me, and I'm done with it. From now on, I'm going to do what benefits me, what is good for me, what I want to do, regardless of what other people think about me. I'm done trying to make everyone else happy, while I lie in bed at night crying myself to sleep because my true self, my true personality has been kept locked up for so long. 

There was a time, a long time, when I kept my true self, my true personality to myself and didn't let anyone see me for who I really am. But I am done with that now. I can no longer let people push me around, walk all over me for their benefit, while I sit here, wondering why the hell I didn't speak up. 

So to all the people that have stood by me, helping me with whatever they can, even just a shoulder to cry on or an ear to talk off, thank you. You will never know how thankful I am that you were there.  Even the little things, the seemingly insignificant things, that you may not have even been aware that you were doing to help me, believe me, I would not be here if it were not for you. There have been so many times when I thought about taking my own life, but you have helped me through the hard times, the bad times when I felt like saying "fuck the world, I'm outta here!" I truly hope that you all believe me when I say that you have helped me in more ways than you will probably ever know and for that, I am forever grateful. I would not be who I am today without you.