So ready to give up...

I'm ready to just give up. I can't see my oldest daughter, since I got screwed over and stabbed in the back by someone who I thought was a good friend, and had for almost 13 years. I was starting the process to get visitation back in Fall 2011, after my second child was born, and right before I was served with the papers to appear in court to discuss visitation, my "friend" kicked me out. And to this day, I still have not gotten a straight answer about why she kicked me out. All she has said is that is was my fault, I treated her and her family like crap. But she refuses to give any examples of what specifically I did to piss her off. So I can only imagine the reasons, which means I'm probably wrong. But thank you so much for screwing me over.

Oh, and now I find out that she is great friends with my first daughter's father and his wife. Probably putting thoughts into his head about how I'm so horrible and I shouldn't be allowed around my kid. Worst part of all is that I did nothing wrong. NOTHING. I did nothing to deserve being treated like this.

But it all started with my mother. When she told me she was paying or helping to pay for his lawyer in family court, I knew I was screwed seven ways to Sunday. I knew that everything was falling apart. I knew that people who said they loved me, who said they wouldn't treat me like I was the bane of the earth, would. And they did. It took some longer than others, but the only person who has ever said they wouldn't screw me over, and actually stood by their word, was my dad. And I treated him the worst of everyone!
jsh
So explain this to me. I treat people as nicely as I can stomach, while getting nothing in return, except knives in my back and lies spread. But when I try to call someone on their lies or I attempt to tale the high road and ignore the treatment I receive, I'm the one who is wrong. I'm the one who shouldn't be around my daughter. I'm the one who gets chastised for trying to live my life and falling in love with someone (even if I was blind to his actions and wasn't really in love) and having his baby, then dealing with him going to jail and prison and the prospect of raising my second child alone.
Yes, I have made mistakes. I fully admit that. But why should I be thought of as a bad mother to one child, simply because I chose to have another child with someone else? I cannot sit around every day and wallow in the misery of losing a child to lies, deceit, and selfishness.

Don't get me wrong. I have tried to contact my daughter. But when her father refuses to return my calls, and has refused since Christmas 2010 even though the courts never said anything about me not being able to call her, just outlined visitation times, it makes it so much harder to try to stay in contact.

Letters I sent to every address I had for her father were never returned and never responded to. Not my fault. Does make me a bad mother.

Every phone call, phone message, text message, and Facebook message to him and his wife were never returned. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.

I got screwed out of a stable place to live less than a month after I filed paperwork to start visitation again and had to moved 50 miles away from the city court was in, and had no ride or money for a cab or a babysitter for the day of court. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.

What started everything was that I chose a guy over my daughter. I know, I was wrong. I was immature and thought nothing would happen, no consequences. That easy fault but still doesn't make me a bad mother. My daughter was never in any danger, despite what people involved may think. She was never alone, never hurt, never in danger. In fact, she's in more danger now, being told her mother doesn't want her, than she ever was with me.

I'm not even sure why I'm putting all this out on the internet. It won't make a difference. Even if I could file for a court date, I have to be in WI to do it, and for court or mediation or whatever the court wants, and I am living 1300 miles away. I can't physically be in court, because I don't have the money for plane tickets and hotel rooms and food, nor do I have anyone who can loan me the money. I love with my grandma, and there are 4 adults and my 16 month old daughter in the house. Only one adult is working; I can't until I get a FL ID or drivers license and I can't do that until I get my birth certificate, which could take up to another month to arrive. So we are all "surviving" on my grandmother's Social Security income, which is enough for bills and food - the essentials - but not much more. So flying back and forth to WI isn't in the cards at the moment.

But why can't I talk to my daughter on the phone? Why have you kept her from writing to me? Or writing to grandpa? I don't even need a letter from her, she can write to grandpa and I will stay out of it. I just want to know she is alive and happy and well.

Is that really too much to ask?

Happy Birthday

So today is my lovely daughter's birthday. I, sadly and by my own horrible and selfish decisions, have not seen her for more than 2 years. In fact, it will be 3 years next May since I spent any real time with her; last actual time I saw her in person was at her school winter concert. You may not be able to tell, but it kills me every day to know that I have no one to blame but myself for this situation of not being a proper mother to my child. Sure, I have tried to reason with myself about why I chose the decisions I did, telling myself I was young and immature and didn't fully realize the consequences of my actions. Or telling myself that, since her dad remarried, my daughter would have a mother-figure and she would be ok.

But I can't hide behind those words anymore. The truth is, I chose a guy and a relationship over my daughter. I am not proud of what I did. I'm really not. It hurts me every day to know that my child is growing up without me, because of my selfishness, because I thought I was better than everyone, that no one could destroy my perfect world.

Boy was I wrong! Someone did destroy it. ME! I destroyed it. I took a beautiful little girl who was stuck in the sad place of having mommy and daddy not together, of having to go back and forth to Grandpa's to see mommy, and I threw it all away.

My little girl is now in 5th grade. I've missed so much, and I'll never be able to get it back. And it's all my fault. Dealing with the consequences of other peoples' actions is one thing...but dealing with the consequences of your own actions and the how those consequences affect someone you should have loved and protected above all else...it is very humbling.

I should have realized all this years ago, but apparently, I needed the time to mature and pull my head out of whatever orifice or hold in the ground it was in, because now I fully understand the importance of not leaving my child behind, of not choosing a relationship over my own flesh and blood.

So, that being said, I apologize to everyone that I hurt, especially my sweetheart of a daughter. I'm so sorry I let my body make decisions and not my brain. I hope you can forgive me, eventually. I know I have no right to expect you to forgive me right now. I just hope you don't hate me. I hope you don't have any problems that stem from me being so unstable in the past. I promise that my life is getting back on track and I will do what is needed to make you proud of me again.

I love you honey. And I'm so sorry.

There are no words...

There really are no words for her. She is spiteful, rude, crude, angry, and thinks no one but her is right. I sometimes think that my grandpa died in '08 just to get away from that horrible woman. I know it's not true, but I do wonder. She is insufferable and no amount of talking, yelling, arguing, or ignoring changes anything.

The worst part of it is the constant inconsistencies in what she says and does, but doesn't see. She refuses to have anyone but her do the laundry, yet she constantly forgets to put soap in, or she puts in enough clothes for an extra large load but only sets the machine for a medium load (to 'save money' as she says), or my personal favorite, when she puts a pair of shorts into the dryer for a few seconds before handing it out to dry (we hang everything cuz we are in Florida, so why use the dryer) because those few seconds in the dryer 'keeps the shorts from wrinkling'. Those were her exact words. She won't even consider the fact that the clothes wrinkle when you fold them or wear them. That doesn't matter. The clothes must be wrinkle free when you first put them on. Being wrinkle free doesn't matter much when the clothes still smell of body odor, sweat, food, ect., whatever was on the clothes when they were put in the wash!

I know I should bite my tongue because she's my grandma, but she can't do anything right. It wears on me, because I'm always wrong. It's like living with my mother again...I'm never right, whatever I do with my daughter is wrong. She says she raised 4 kids so she knows what she's doing. The problem is, if you looked at the problems her kids have, she didn't do such a great job raising them at all! I know I'm not perfect by any means, but when someone tells me I have an attitude or a problem, I can at least look at my actions and, begrudgingly, admit my faults. I couldn't do that a few months ago, but grandma can't do it at all. Her favorite comeback is "well, I'm 82. I've been doing it this way for 30 years. Don't yell at me. I have rights too and I'll just call the cops for elder abuse cuz you keep yelling." But she can't call for elder abuse, cuz in order for it to be elder abuse in FL, the person has to have guardianship over her, like (what's the word...) when someone names someone in their living will as the person to make medical or financial decisions if she becomes unable to do so. I forget what the term is, and since I'm on my mobile, I can't look it up at the moment.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I hate putting it out where the public can see it, but maybe someone can help me get through this without losing my mind or completely washing my hands of one of the few family members that have always, and I mean ALWAYS, stood by me and didn't say a word against my bad decisions.

Although her car transmission did die in her car today, so her attitude is so much worse, but I can't give her any leeway, because any given is used and abused. If anyone says anything, they are wrong. But if no one says anything, she won't shut up, asking everyone what she did wrong to piss them off. It is a never ending cycle.

24 hours to go...

*sigh* 

Just 24 short hours and we will be in the airport, getting our tickets and fighting our way through security lines and terminals to the gate. I have so much still to accomplish before leaving, but the day doesn't seem long enough. CDL has, for the last 3 days, decided to try to get me on Florida time before we even leave the state by waking up between 4 and 5 am. It is a struggle for me, not just as a single mom but because I have so much stress and worries that it is hard for me to fall asleep at night and even harder to get up that early when I have no reason to be. I know she can feel how stressed I am and she can tell that something is different, that change is coming. I have tried to be calm and not let her know how stressed I am, but you know what they say about kids being more intuitive than adults. They can sense things before they even understand what is going on. 

On top of the worries about moving and flying with an almost-13 month old, I worry about losing my best friend. I know things happened that should not have, and I have tried to apologize and try to mend the fences, so to speak, but they are resistant. I do not blame them; I just wish they would see that I am trying to do what is right, what I should have done 10 months ago. I want to apologize and make things better. We were (what I thought was) best friends for more than 12 years, but looking back, I see that it was not the case. Whether they see this or not; whether they agree with this or not; whether this post causes them to hate me forever or see things from my point of view; whatever happens, I need to set the record straight for myself, so I am able to live, knowing I did not hide my feelings. 

I have deleted the posts I made in January 2013 and shortly after, because they were written in haste and hate. The underlying reasons for writing those posts are still evident; however, the emotions were too strong and I should not have posted those posts under those so quickly. 

Now, I would like to keep their friendship but I do not see that as being possible. Looking back on those 12 years of friendship...it was not really friendship. It was using me to get what you wanted. (I use 'you' to avoid using real names. If you are offended, you are either involved, or have been involved in a similar situation.) You dated almost every guy I did in high school, AFTER I did. You had kids with 2 of them, and married the second! The only one you did not have anything to do with, to my knowledge, was the father of my oldest, because he did not want you. But every other guy I dated, you dated. That doesn't really bother me, except it makes me feel like you were only my 'friend' because you enjoyed being around boys you wouldn't have been around otherwise. But enough about that. It was 12 years ago, I am over being used.

There are other reasons why I don't see our friendship ever being repaired, but I won't go into those now. It is seemingly pointless to write about issues here, when they will not own up to their faults (no one wants to do that, even me), and are not willing to open a dialogue about anything. I tried to apologize and tried to put things right, or even in the right direction, but everything I said was met with hostility and anger. I know I did something wrong, but after 9 months, let it go and move on. Accept that I was trying to make things right, trying to reverse the anger and resentment. But I guess some people are incapable of accepting apologies, incapable of seeing someone's desire to right their wrongs. 

The biggest reason I do not see our friendship surviving is because of the way you feel the need to put me down and make me as miserable as you. You had this idea that I would have the marriage, the house with the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the loving husband, the golden retriever and the mini-van. YOU thought that was what I wanted, not me. Now you have a miserable marriage that neither of you want to work on to try to fix, you have kids that have no respect for you, your husband, or anyone else. But I am not here to play the blame game. You said you had all these ideals of where I would be and where you would be by now. I can't help that you did not have such high thoughts and goals for yourself until it happened. I'm glad that you are in school and are buying a house. Good for you both. But do not tell me that I wasted my life because I chose a different path than the one YOU wanted for me. 

I have 2 beautiful daughters, granted I do not have a relationship with my oldest, a situation I will change. I just need to get my life together first. I admit, I have made some decisions that I regret and those decisions are the reason why I am moving to Florida. I do not have a stable support system here, and I need support. I need my family, the people that have had my back since day one, all through my bad decisions, no matter what. I will get my oldest daughter back...I just need to get my life together and on the right track first. I have a family that loves me, through good times and bad, good decisions and bad. I thought of you as family, but that changed when you promised to invite me to your wedding as your maid of honor, and then got married without ever notifying me. You got married and I had to find out about it through your Facebook page and your photos. It just shows how well you really thought of me. I guess that is all I can really expect. You never had family that was there for you through thick and thin. 

So back to the main topic...in 24 hours, I will be at the airport, trying to get through security with CDL and our carry-ons, praying that CDL behaves and is not annoying to the rest of the people on the plane. The last time I flew with a child, I was 17, my oldest was 4 months, and I flew with my dad and his girlfriend at the time. So if I needed to use the restroom or wanted to get something to eat, Dad could take her. I do not have that option now, which scares me and worries me and makes me wish I had someone to go with me. CDL is normally well-behaved while around other people, but now that I have said that, she will be a terror. :-) 

I will probably update again once we are in Florida and settled down. I am not sure when I will have internet access when I get there, as I will probably be busy settling in for a while and chasing CDL around and hoping Dad's dogs get along with CDL. Yet another thing to worry about. Is 8 AM too early to have a drink?! I feel like I need one, after being up for 4 hours already. 

But I shall talk to ya'll later. Loves and blessings.