What is the point of anything anymore?

What is the point of trying to make things work anymore? Every time I try to make things work, try my hardest to make things right and keep everyone happy, including me, I get shit on. I can't make my fiancée happy. I can't make my girlfriend happy. Every time I open my heart to someone and let them in and give them everything I have...I get my heart stepped on, trampled, cut to pieces, totally ruined...and I don't know why. I don't know if it's me, the guys i'm attracted to, the situation surrounding the relationship, I really don't have any clue. I wish I did.

After all the times that he told me that he wished I would die, that he wishes I was dead, maybe that's something worth looking into. I mean, he doesn't care about me, I've lost touch with all of my friends, my ex is trying to take my daughter from me...what is there to live for? All I want in life is to be happy and loved and be around those that love me, and yet I can't seem to accomplish that, so what is the point of living? Why be alive and miserable? Why not put everyone out of their collective miseries of being in my life and just end it all? What is the point of living when each day is worse than the next?

Things Change

It's strange how much people can grow and mature in short periods of time. I talk to a few friends from high school, people who didn't want to grow up and be responsible back then, and now, they are responsible and are starting families. Then I talk to more people from high school, people I knew but never really hung out with, for various reasons. I talk to them and realize that we have nothing in common, if we ever did.

There are a few people I talk to that tried to be mature and responsible in high school, people I was very good friends with, and talking to them now, after being out of high school for about 6 years, and I realize that we have grown apart. We no longer have anything in common and even trying to talk about bland topics is a struggle to think of things to say. Maybe I am more mature than I was in high school, maybe they aren't as mature as I am or as I was in high school. But some thing has changed and it's strange. People I used to sit with for hours and talk to about anything, I can't think of anything to say now. It's almost as if life has changed both of us, not experiences so much as just maturity and life and our thought processes. It get depressing to think that the people I used to spend so much time with and we would finish each other's sentences, now we barely squeeze out a 5 minute conversation.

Life is strange sometimes, I guess.

Arizona

I'm proud of what Arizona is doing. The entire country and it's LEGAL citizens need to step up and tell all the illegals that our ancestors came here LEGALLY and if they want to be here so bad, then they can do it the way the rest of us did. There's nothing wrong with people learning the language and doing things legally. If we just deport all of the illegals here, they will just be running back across the border in a few days anyway. If we actually took PRIDE in our country and realized that while the Statue of Liberty does say "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free", it does not say "Hey, come here illegally, take our jobs and money, and in a few years run back to your original country and live high on the hog on OUR MONEY". It does not say that anywhere and REAL Americans will eventually pull their heads out of the sand and do what's is right for the country.

Immigration reform is sorely needed and soon. I'm so tired of walking into a store and not being able to talk to the store clerks because none of them speak English and the ones that do, know minimal English at best. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Put myself out for illegal immigrants and learn Spanish? Hell no. This is AMERICA and we speak ENGLISH here. Either learn it or move the hell out of the country. My ancestors moved here from Europe three generations ago and they had no problem learning English and still keeping their heritage intact. So speak spanish all you want at home, but learn English and USE IT.

You illegals came here because it's so much better than your original country, yet you want everyone here, who is a legal citizen, to cater to you and make everything easier for you. Well what about all the legal citizens that have to pay higher taxes now because you had to go to the emergency room and you didn't have insurance to pay for it? That expense goes on to the citizens that pay taxes and have insurance. We are the ones supporting you and your illegal status here in the Unites States of America. Sure, this is a free country and we have better rights for our citizens than your country, but then, that's all the more reason to come here LEGALLY. If America is the Land of the Free and you really want to be here that bad, do it the right way.

If I wanted to leave America to go to...Germany, let's say, and I did it illegally, they would either charge me and put me in jail, or ship me back to my country of origin and I would face charges and a trial there. Yet, in America, the government seems to turn a blind eye to the immigration problem that we have. Social Security will be completely gone by the time I retire (in about 40 years if I'm lucky), and it's because over the years the government has taken money time and again from Social Security to pay for other things and has never paid it back. And will all the illegals living in the United States, there are more and more costs that need to be covered and the government sees Social Security as an easy way to pay for it. Well it's not as easy as it looks.

Arizona should be applauded for what they are doing. They are doing that most Americans think the government should do, but the government is afraid to do it. They think that mexico will boycott America and we will stop receiving whatever it is we receive in trade agreements from mexico. Well, I don't really care what we get from mexico. If they cannot stop their residents from leaving and coming here illegally, then we need to do something. Building a wall along the border will not do anything, because the mexicans will just dig underneath it. Hell, they run, jump, and swim across now as it is, what's to stop them from adding a new sport to their border-crossing olympics?

Illegal immigrants are like those annoying little gnats that fly around the food at a family picnic, they won't go away with a swap of a hand but you don't really want to spray bug killer around the food, so you just kind of put up with them until it's time to leave. Well, that's the government. They try to ignore the illegal immigration problem because they 'have better things to do' with the 100 days that the Senate and House of Representative are actually working each year, and they are too afraid to spray the bug killer that is needed.

It's irritating that more people are not speaking out about this. I am a fourth-generation German American, and I do not see on ANY forms that I have EVER filled out anywhere that says German-American where spics have their mexican American. Even the census that came out recently made sure that the wet-backs had their own race, but the people that came here legally got nothing but white and black. There are German Americans, Polish Americans, Norwegian Americans, French Americans, Canadian Americans, and many others, and yet none of us got our own section. How is that fair? This is supposed to be a fair country, is it not?

I'm at a loss....

I'm at a total lost as to what to do. I can't seem to win with him. No matter what, I'm wrong. I don't know what the hell is going on. I'm so lost and just wanting things to be done. But I have nowhere to go, so even if things were over, I'm still stuck here with him.

I want things to be better between us, but he never seems to want to listen. All he does is tell me that I'm wrong, that I need to change, that I don't see anything that I do. I'm at my wits end here. He told me tonight, while arguing, that he would only be happy when I was "six feet under", that he wishes I was dead so he could be rid of me. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I have enough problems with my self-esteem, stemming from living with my mother, but to hear someone who supposedly loves you tell you that they wish you were dead? That's the worst. I can feel myself sinking into a bad depression again. The last time I was in a depression like this, I was a freshman in high school and called a friend because I wanted to take an entire bottle of Excedrin Migraine and end it right there. Yet he doesn't seem to care at all.........why?

What to do, What to do......

I have no idea what to do. He's got more, and worse, PMS than I do, yet he doesn't want to see it. He tells me that he wants my help with certain things, yet when I try to help him, he just says I'm "making him feel stupid" or acting like I don't love him. Well, when he acts like this all the time, it's hard as hell to love him. He's acting like my mother and I don't deal well with that. When I try to tell him that I can't deal with him when he acts like it, he just tells me that I don't love him or that I want him to change yet I won't see what I'm doing that needs to change.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't leave, because I have no where to go. I know that when most people say that, they actually do have somewhere to go, but I truly have no where to go. My dad's moving to Florida, my mom hates me, my brothers can't stand me, and my so-called friends, the ones that bitched me out for being with him, can't seem to get off their high horses and see that something's wrong, that I need their help. But whatever.

I'm just going to go away for a while and the people I want to talk to, I'll let them know when I'm back. Later!

Being a Mom

MOTHERS

Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
They don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
Are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
Filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried 'play dough'
Doesn't come out of carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know 'what'
The vacuum just sucked up...

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'
And get their answer when a little
Voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth
Is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother.....
The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE - "My Mommy can do anything"!

8 YEARS OF AGE - "My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot"!

12 YEARS OF AGE - "My Mother doesn’t know everything"!

14 YEARS OF AGE - "My Mother? She wouldn’t have a clue".
.
16 YEARS OF AGE - "Mother? She's so~ five minutes ago".

18 YEARS OF AGE - "That old woman? She's way out of date"!

25 YEARS OF AGE - "Well, she might know a little bit about it"!

35 YEARS OF AGE - "Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion".

45 YEARS OF AGE - "Wonder what Mom would have thought about it"?

65 YEARS OF AGE - "Wish I could talk it over with Mom".

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her 'soul'.
It is the 'caring' that she lovingly gives, the passion that she
Shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

I cant keep on pretending....I dont love you anymore

I just realized something tonight. It came upon me like a Mack truck. I just don't love you anymore. 

There's nowhere for me to run, nowhere to hide. I just don't love you anymore. I don't know what made me fall out of love with you, or if I even loved you in the first place. I really don't know. All I know is that, if I ever did love you, I don't anymore. 

I feel like you treat me like a roommate instead of a girlfriend or fiancee, which is what we were supposed to be, engaged to be married. I don't understand why you treat me this way but, like so many people have told me, I can do so much better. I have learned from past relationships that when everyone around you, outside the relationship, tells you that you shouldn't be treated this way and that you can do so much better, they are right and it is time to end the relationship. 

I never wanted to do this to you, because I know that you feel like you need me, but I just can't do this anymore. I can't be beaten down and treated like shit by someone that is supposed to be my significant other. I went through that with Jake and I can't do that again. I've done it too long already. I need to get out on my own and be my own woman and learn that I can be successful without being attached to someone. I don't have to have a man to be attractive or to be fun or to be who I want to be. In fact, the only way I can be who I am is to be single and not attached to anyone. 

Every time I have been in a relationship, he has tried to change me in some way. Change the way I look, the way I act, the people I talk to, the activities I like, the sports I like to watch, any number of other things. I want to be myself and not have to answer to someone about where I am going when I just want to take a walk to get out of the house for a while. I don't want to feel like I have a babysitter at 24 years old. And that's how he has made me feel, since we met. I didn't realize it then, but I realize it now. I can't be with someone that wants to change everything about me, or that isn't happy with me. 


Maybe that means that I am destined to be alone but I think I'd be fine with that. If I could only get a sure sign of what is supposed to happen. Then I would know for sure what I'm supposed to do, whether there is someone out there for me. Maybe I'm expecting too much from men. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I just haven't met "the one", if he even exists. I have heard that changing for the right reason, the right PERSONAL reason, is the only way to change  and stay changed, but I haven't found the right reason to change, personal or otherwise. I don't get the feeling that there is anyone for me, other than random relationships throughout my life. I don't feel as if I'll ever truly find someone to be with, other than a relationship with no clear future. 

Isn't there supposed to be one person for everyone? Or have I lost my chance at true happiness?

There comes a time when.......

There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
"This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you"

Sometimes, we all get fed up with everyone else trying to tell us how we should be. TV, models, actresses and actors...they all set an example of 'how people should act, look like, speak, and associate themselves with'. There are too many people out there that base their lives around how celebrities look like, act, speak, drink, and associated themselves with. What ever happened to people being happy with who they are, happy with how they dress, how they speak, how and what they eat, and who they choose to associate themselves with??

Is society really that stupid that we all have to strive to be like everyone else??! Why can't we all be happy being who we are? 

For example, I am a 24 year old single mother, unemployed but going to college to further my education so I can give my daughter what my parents were unable (or unwilling) to give me. I am funny, sarcastic, down-right mean if I don't like you or if you offend me or someone I'm with. I drink, I smoke cigarettes, I enjoy meeting new people, although I have high standards for the people I decide to hang out with. I don't deal well with drama, lying, cheating, people who put on an act to make other like them, or people that criticize me because they have different ideals of what I should be or how I should act. Yes, everyone is entitled to his/her own opinions, but don't try to force your religion on me just because I'm Pagan and you don't understand it. 

So I guess what I'm saying is, if you don't like me - how I act, how I dress, how I speak, my way of thinking, my opinions, my friends, the way I live my life or choose to raise my daughter - then it's your loss. I don't associate myself with people who can't love me for me (and I mean everything about  me, not picking and choosing what to like and what to change). This goes for friends, acquaintances, and family.

A Prayer for Good Luck

If you think you can't,

You really must

In God and our soldiers,

Please keep the trust.

To keep us safe,

Day and night,

To stand in front

And faithfully fight.

In the name of freedon

And even love,

I pray for Grace

From the stars above.

That soon one day,

We can live in peace,

When fears subside,

World wards will cease.

With hope shining

From my eyes,

I ask for gifts

With the bright sunrise.

May luck and joy be

With all who know

That what you reap,

Is what you sow.

Written by a loyal supporter of American's Disabled Veterans.