I'm ready to just give up. I can't see my oldest daughter, since I got screwed over and stabbed in the back by someone who I thought was a good friend, and had for almost 13 years. I was starting the process to get visitation back in Fall 2011, after my second child was born, and right before I was served with the papers to appear in court to discuss visitation, my "friend" kicked me out. And to this day, I still have not gotten a straight answer about why she kicked me out. All she has said is that is was my fault, I treated her and her family like crap. But she refuses to give any examples of what specifically I did to piss her off. So I can only imagine the reasons, which means I'm probably wrong. But thank you so much for screwing me over.
Oh, and now I find out that she is great friends with my first daughter's father and his wife. Probably putting thoughts into his head about how I'm so horrible and I shouldn't be allowed around my kid. Worst part of all is that I did nothing wrong. NOTHING. I did nothing to deserve being treated like this.
But it all started with my mother. When she told me she was paying or helping to pay for his lawyer in family court, I knew I was screwed seven ways to Sunday. I knew that everything was falling apart. I knew that people who said they loved me, who said they wouldn't treat me like I was the bane of the earth, would. And they did. It took some longer than others, but the only person who has ever said they wouldn't screw me over, and actually stood by their word, was my dad. And I treated him the worst of everyone!
jsh
So explain this to me. I treat people as nicely as I can stomach, while getting nothing in return, except knives in my back and lies spread. But when I try to call someone on their lies or I attempt to tale the high road and ignore the treatment I receive, I'm the one who is wrong. I'm the one who shouldn't be around my daughter. I'm the one who gets chastised for trying to live my life and falling in love with someone (even if I was blind to his actions and wasn't really in love) and having his baby, then dealing with him going to jail and prison and the prospect of raising my second child alone.
Yes, I have made mistakes. I fully admit that. But why should I be thought of as a bad mother to one child, simply because I chose to have another child with someone else? I cannot sit around every day and wallow in the misery of losing a child to lies, deceit, and selfishness.
Don't get me wrong. I have tried to contact my daughter. But when her father refuses to return my calls, and has refused since Christmas 2010 even though the courts never said anything about me not being able to call her, just outlined visitation times, it makes it so much harder to try to stay in contact.
Letters I sent to every address I had for her father were never returned and never responded to. Not my fault. Does make me a bad mother.
Every phone call, phone message, text message, and Facebook message to him and his wife were never returned. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.
I got screwed out of a stable place to live less than a month after I filed paperwork to start visitation again and had to moved 50 miles away from the city court was in, and had no ride or money for a cab or a babysitter for the day of court. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.
What started everything was that I chose a guy over my daughter. I know, I was wrong. I was immature and thought nothing would happen, no consequences. That easy fault but still doesn't make me a bad mother. My daughter was never in any danger, despite what people involved may think. She was never alone, never hurt, never in danger. In fact, she's in more danger now, being told her mother doesn't want her, than she ever was with me.
I'm not even sure why I'm putting all this out on the internet. It won't make a difference. Even if I could file for a court date, I have to be in WI to do it, and for court or mediation or whatever the court wants, and I am living 1300 miles away. I can't physically be in court, because I don't have the money for plane tickets and hotel rooms and food, nor do I have anyone who can loan me the money. I love with my grandma, and there are 4 adults and my 16 month old daughter in the house. Only one adult is working; I can't until I get a FL ID or drivers license and I can't do that until I get my birth certificate, which could take up to another month to arrive. So we are all "surviving" on my grandmother's Social Security income, which is enough for bills and food - the essentials - but not much more. So flying back and forth to WI isn't in the cards at the moment.
But why can't I talk to my daughter on the phone? Why have you kept her from writing to me? Or writing to grandpa? I don't even need a letter from her, she can write to grandpa and I will stay out of it. I just want to know she is alive and happy and well.
Is that really too much to ask?
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