So today is my lovely daughter's birthday. I, sadly and by my own horrible and selfish decisions, have not seen her for more than 2 years. In fact, it will be 3 years next May since I spent any real time with her; last actual time I saw her in person was at her school winter concert. You may not be able to tell, but it kills me every day to know that I have no one to blame but myself for this situation of not being a proper mother to my child. Sure, I have tried to reason with myself about why I chose the decisions I did, telling myself I was young and immature and didn't fully realize the consequences of my actions. Or telling myself that, since her dad remarried, my daughter would have a mother-figure and she would be ok.
But I can't hide behind those words anymore. The truth is, I chose a guy and a relationship over my daughter. I am not proud of what I did. I'm really not. It hurts me every day to know that my child is growing up without me, because of my selfishness, because I thought I was better than everyone, that no one could destroy my perfect world.
Boy was I wrong! Someone did destroy it. ME! I destroyed it. I took a beautiful little girl who was stuck in the sad place of having mommy and daddy not together, of having to go back and forth to Grandpa's to see mommy, and I threw it all away.
My little girl is now in 5th grade. I've missed so much, and I'll never be able to get it back. And it's all my fault. Dealing with the consequences of other peoples' actions is one thing...but dealing with the consequences of your own actions and the how those consequences affect someone you should have loved and protected above all else...it is very humbling.
I should have realized all this years ago, but apparently, I needed the time to mature and pull my head out of whatever orifice or hold in the ground it was in, because now I fully understand the importance of not leaving my child behind, of not choosing a relationship over my own flesh and blood.
So, that being said, I apologize to everyone that I hurt, especially my sweetheart of a daughter. I'm so sorry I let my body make decisions and not my brain. I hope you can forgive me, eventually. I know I have no right to expect you to forgive me right now. I just hope you don't hate me. I hope you don't have any problems that stem from me being so unstable in the past. I promise that my life is getting back on track and I will do what is needed to make you proud of me again.
I love you honey. And I'm so sorry.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
Life Sentence
I just love eating tasteless, burned food. Every time she cooks (which is almost every night, since she doesn't trust anyone else in 'her' kitchen), she starts cooking between 3 and 3:30pm, then leaves it sit on the stove or in the oven for at least an hour before we eat at 5:30. Like today, for example...beef stew meat in the pan by 3:15, smells like burning meat. Its now almost 4:45 and the burner is still on medium heat, no extra water in the pan. She uses no spices when she cooks, claiming she can't digest them, but when anyone else manages to cook n use spices, she gobbles up the food like its the best since sliced bread.
She still ignores me. Would I be wrong to keep my daughter from interacting with her while she stubbornly ignores me? I treat grandma like I treat the kid's sperm donor...you don't want to be around "that baby", then I will make sure you won't be. Why should she get the joy of playing with her, when she not only ignores me but counteracts everything I say and do with MY daughter. I say don't feed the dogs, only adults do it...grandma makes her feed the dogs after lunch today. I say popsicle after dinner as dessert, grandma says she can't have it cuz she "can't digest cold things", yet grandma fed her ice cream the day before. How are ice cream and Popsicles any different from each other??
Oh, and she won't let anyone else clean 'her' kitchen, but she won't even use soap most of the time to wash dishes. She waters down the dish soap and laundry soap and dishwasher soap, trying to save money, yet it costs more to do it her way, seeing as she has to wash everything 2 and 3 and 4 times with watered down soap just to get things clean. But she doesn't see it that way.
I can't wait to get out of here. As my brother (who is also staying here) said, "I didn't realize living with grandma meant a life sentence."
She still ignores me. Would I be wrong to keep my daughter from interacting with her while she stubbornly ignores me? I treat grandma like I treat the kid's sperm donor...you don't want to be around "that baby", then I will make sure you won't be. Why should she get the joy of playing with her, when she not only ignores me but counteracts everything I say and do with MY daughter. I say don't feed the dogs, only adults do it...grandma makes her feed the dogs after lunch today. I say popsicle after dinner as dessert, grandma says she can't have it cuz she "can't digest cold things", yet grandma fed her ice cream the day before. How are ice cream and Popsicles any different from each other??
Oh, and she won't let anyone else clean 'her' kitchen, but she won't even use soap most of the time to wash dishes. She waters down the dish soap and laundry soap and dishwasher soap, trying to save money, yet it costs more to do it her way, seeing as she has to wash everything 2 and 3 and 4 times with watered down soap just to get things clean. But she doesn't see it that way.
I can't wait to get out of here. As my brother (who is also staying here) said, "I didn't realize living with grandma meant a life sentence."
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
There are no words...
There really are no words for her. She is spiteful, rude, crude, angry, and thinks no one but her is right. I sometimes think that my grandpa died in '08 just to get away from that horrible woman. I know it's not true, but I do wonder. She is insufferable and no amount of talking, yelling, arguing, or ignoring changes anything.
The worst part of it is the constant inconsistencies in what she says and does, but doesn't see. She refuses to have anyone but her do the laundry, yet she constantly forgets to put soap in, or she puts in enough clothes for an extra large load but only sets the machine for a medium load (to 'save money' as she says), or my personal favorite, when she puts a pair of shorts into the dryer for a few seconds before handing it out to dry (we hang everything cuz we are in Florida, so why use the dryer) because those few seconds in the dryer 'keeps the shorts from wrinkling'. Those were her exact words. She won't even consider the fact that the clothes wrinkle when you fold them or wear them. That doesn't matter. The clothes must be wrinkle free when you first put them on. Being wrinkle free doesn't matter much when the clothes still smell of body odor, sweat, food, ect., whatever was on the clothes when they were put in the wash!
I know I should bite my tongue because she's my grandma, but she can't do anything right. It wears on me, because I'm always wrong. It's like living with my mother again...I'm never right, whatever I do with my daughter is wrong. She says she raised 4 kids so she knows what she's doing. The problem is, if you looked at the problems her kids have, she didn't do such a great job raising them at all! I know I'm not perfect by any means, but when someone tells me I have an attitude or a problem, I can at least look at my actions and, begrudgingly, admit my faults. I couldn't do that a few months ago, but grandma can't do it at all. Her favorite comeback is "well, I'm 82. I've been doing it this way for 30 years. Don't yell at me. I have rights too and I'll just call the cops for elder abuse cuz you keep yelling." But she can't call for elder abuse, cuz in order for it to be elder abuse in FL, the person has to have guardianship over her, like (what's the word...) when someone names someone in their living will as the person to make medical or financial decisions if she becomes unable to do so. I forget what the term is, and since I'm on my mobile, I can't look it up at the moment.
Anyway, I'm done ranting. I hate putting it out where the public can see it, but maybe someone can help me get through this without losing my mind or completely washing my hands of one of the few family members that have always, and I mean ALWAYS, stood by me and didn't say a word against my bad decisions.
Although her car transmission did die in her car today, so her attitude is so much worse, but I can't give her any leeway, because any given is used and abused. If anyone says anything, they are wrong. But if no one says anything, she won't shut up, asking everyone what she did wrong to piss them off. It is a never ending cycle.
The worst part of it is the constant inconsistencies in what she says and does, but doesn't see. She refuses to have anyone but her do the laundry, yet she constantly forgets to put soap in, or she puts in enough clothes for an extra large load but only sets the machine for a medium load (to 'save money' as she says), or my personal favorite, when she puts a pair of shorts into the dryer for a few seconds before handing it out to dry (we hang everything cuz we are in Florida, so why use the dryer) because those few seconds in the dryer 'keeps the shorts from wrinkling'. Those were her exact words. She won't even consider the fact that the clothes wrinkle when you fold them or wear them. That doesn't matter. The clothes must be wrinkle free when you first put them on. Being wrinkle free doesn't matter much when the clothes still smell of body odor, sweat, food, ect., whatever was on the clothes when they were put in the wash!
I know I should bite my tongue because she's my grandma, but she can't do anything right. It wears on me, because I'm always wrong. It's like living with my mother again...I'm never right, whatever I do with my daughter is wrong. She says she raised 4 kids so she knows what she's doing. The problem is, if you looked at the problems her kids have, she didn't do such a great job raising them at all! I know I'm not perfect by any means, but when someone tells me I have an attitude or a problem, I can at least look at my actions and, begrudgingly, admit my faults. I couldn't do that a few months ago, but grandma can't do it at all. Her favorite comeback is "well, I'm 82. I've been doing it this way for 30 years. Don't yell at me. I have rights too and I'll just call the cops for elder abuse cuz you keep yelling." But she can't call for elder abuse, cuz in order for it to be elder abuse in FL, the person has to have guardianship over her, like (what's the word...) when someone names someone in their living will as the person to make medical or financial decisions if she becomes unable to do so. I forget what the term is, and since I'm on my mobile, I can't look it up at the moment.
Anyway, I'm done ranting. I hate putting it out where the public can see it, but maybe someone can help me get through this without losing my mind or completely washing my hands of one of the few family members that have always, and I mean ALWAYS, stood by me and didn't say a word against my bad decisions.
Although her car transmission did die in her car today, so her attitude is so much worse, but I can't give her any leeway, because any given is used and abused. If anyone says anything, they are wrong. But if no one says anything, she won't shut up, asking everyone what she did wrong to piss them off. It is a never ending cycle.
Friday, November 1, 2013
9 days....
So I've been in Florida for 9 days now and things have been...difficult. The grandma I knew isn't here anymore. She wakes up in such a horrible mood every day, for no known reason either to herself or someone else, yet gets upset when we either don't talk to her due to her attitude or when we say something about her attitude. Whether we do or don't, we are wrong.
It is like living with my mother again. How I raise my daughter is wrong, how I feed her is wrong, how I dress her is wrong. It is 80+ degrees daily here in Florida and, since we (my daughter and I) had previously lived in WI, my daughter isn't really acclimated to the FL heat yet. But my grandma, who has lived in FL for almost 30 years, thinks 75 degrees is cold and thinks I should dress my daughter in long sleeves and pants when the high is forecasted to be lower than 80.
I'm not sure if my grandma has Alzheimer's or dementia or if she has always been like this and just put on an act while we visited FL or she and grandpa (R.I.P.) visited WI. I don't know what is going on with her, but she makes me want to go back to WI. It really is worse than living with my mother.
Very rarely will anyone be able to have a conversation with her about anything of importance. She complains about bills, but will buy crap she doesn't need or insist on paying for something for me or my daughter that I can pay for. It is very tiring, stressful, depressing, any other word you can think of.
It is like living with my mother again. How I raise my daughter is wrong, how I feed her is wrong, how I dress her is wrong. It is 80+ degrees daily here in Florida and, since we (my daughter and I) had previously lived in WI, my daughter isn't really acclimated to the FL heat yet. But my grandma, who has lived in FL for almost 30 years, thinks 75 degrees is cold and thinks I should dress my daughter in long sleeves and pants when the high is forecasted to be lower than 80.
I'm not sure if my grandma has Alzheimer's or dementia or if she has always been like this and just put on an act while we visited FL or she and grandpa (R.I.P.) visited WI. I don't know what is going on with her, but she makes me want to go back to WI. It really is worse than living with my mother.
Very rarely will anyone be able to have a conversation with her about anything of importance. She complains about bills, but will buy crap she doesn't need or insist on paying for something for me or my daughter that I can pay for. It is very tiring, stressful, depressing, any other word you can think of.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
24 hours to go...
*sigh*
Just 24 short hours and we will be in the airport, getting our tickets and fighting our way through security lines and terminals to the gate. I have so much still to accomplish before leaving, but the day doesn't seem long enough. CDL has, for the last 3 days, decided to try to get me on Florida time before we even leave the state by waking up between 4 and 5 am. It is a struggle for me, not just as a single mom but because I have so much stress and worries that it is hard for me to fall asleep at night and even harder to get up that early when I have no reason to be. I know she can feel how stressed I am and she can tell that something is different, that change is coming. I have tried to be calm and not let her know how stressed I am, but you know what they say about kids being more intuitive than adults. They can sense things before they even understand what is going on.
On top of the worries about moving and flying with an almost-13 month old, I worry about losing my best friend. I know things happened that should not have, and I have tried to apologize and try to mend the fences, so to speak, but they are resistant. I do not blame them; I just wish they would see that I am trying to do what is right, what I should have done 10 months ago. I want to apologize and make things better. We were (what I thought was) best friends for more than 12 years, but looking back, I see that it was not the case. Whether they see this or not; whether they agree with this or not; whether this post causes them to hate me forever or see things from my point of view; whatever happens, I need to set the record straight for myself, so I am able to live, knowing I did not hide my feelings.
I have deleted the posts I made in January 2013 and shortly after, because they were written in haste and hate. The underlying reasons for writing those posts are still evident; however, the emotions were too strong and I should not have posted those posts under those so quickly.
Now, I would like to keep their friendship but I do not see that as being possible. Looking back on those 12 years of friendship...it was not really friendship. It was using me to get what you wanted. (I use 'you' to avoid using real names. If you are offended, you are either involved, or have been involved in a similar situation.) You dated almost every guy I did in high school, AFTER I did. You had kids with 2 of them, and married the second! The only one you did not have anything to do with, to my knowledge, was the father of my oldest, because he did not want you. But every other guy I dated, you dated. That doesn't really bother me, except it makes me feel like you were only my 'friend' because you enjoyed being around boys you wouldn't have been around otherwise. But enough about that. It was 12 years ago, I am over being used.
There are other reasons why I don't see our friendship ever being repaired, but I won't go into those now. It is seemingly pointless to write about issues here, when they will not own up to their faults (no one wants to do that, even me), and are not willing to open a dialogue about anything. I tried to apologize and tried to put things right, or even in the right direction, but everything I said was met with hostility and anger. I know I did something wrong, but after 9 months, let it go and move on. Accept that I was trying to make things right, trying to reverse the anger and resentment. But I guess some people are incapable of accepting apologies, incapable of seeing someone's desire to right their wrongs.
The biggest reason I do not see our friendship surviving is because of the way you feel the need to put me down and make me as miserable as you. You had this idea that I would have the marriage, the house with the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the loving husband, the golden retriever and the mini-van. YOU thought that was what I wanted, not me. Now you have a miserable marriage that neither of you want to work on to try to fix, you have kids that have no respect for you, your husband, or anyone else. But I am not here to play the blame game. You said you had all these ideals of where I would be and where you would be by now. I can't help that you did not have such high thoughts and goals for yourself until it happened. I'm glad that you are in school and are buying a house. Good for you both. But do not tell me that I wasted my life because I chose a different path than the one YOU wanted for me.
I have 2 beautiful daughters, granted I do not have a relationship with my oldest, a situation I will change. I just need to get my life together first. I admit, I have made some decisions that I regret and those decisions are the reason why I am moving to Florida. I do not have a stable support system here, and I need support. I need my family, the people that have had my back since day one, all through my bad decisions, no matter what. I will get my oldest daughter back...I just need to get my life together and on the right track first. I have a family that loves me, through good times and bad, good decisions and bad. I thought of you as family, but that changed when you promised to invite me to your wedding as your maid of honor, and then got married without ever notifying me. You got married and I had to find out about it through your Facebook page and your photos. It just shows how well you really thought of me. I guess that is all I can really expect. You never had family that was there for you through thick and thin.
So back to the main topic...in 24 hours, I will be at the airport, trying to get through security with CDL and our carry-ons, praying that CDL behaves and is not annoying to the rest of the people on the plane. The last time I flew with a child, I was 17, my oldest was 4 months, and I flew with my dad and his girlfriend at the time. So if I needed to use the restroom or wanted to get something to eat, Dad could take her. I do not have that option now, which scares me and worries me and makes me wish I had someone to go with me. CDL is normally well-behaved while around other people, but now that I have said that, she will be a terror. :-)
I will probably update again once we are in Florida and settled down. I am not sure when I will have internet access when I get there, as I will probably be busy settling in for a while and chasing CDL around and hoping Dad's dogs get along with CDL. Yet another thing to worry about. Is 8 AM too early to have a drink?! I feel like I need one, after being up for 4 hours already.
But I shall talk to ya'll later. Loves and blessings.
Just 24 short hours and we will be in the airport, getting our tickets and fighting our way through security lines and terminals to the gate. I have so much still to accomplish before leaving, but the day doesn't seem long enough. CDL has, for the last 3 days, decided to try to get me on Florida time before we even leave the state by waking up between 4 and 5 am. It is a struggle for me, not just as a single mom but because I have so much stress and worries that it is hard for me to fall asleep at night and even harder to get up that early when I have no reason to be. I know she can feel how stressed I am and she can tell that something is different, that change is coming. I have tried to be calm and not let her know how stressed I am, but you know what they say about kids being more intuitive than adults. They can sense things before they even understand what is going on.
On top of the worries about moving and flying with an almost-13 month old, I worry about losing my best friend. I know things happened that should not have, and I have tried to apologize and try to mend the fences, so to speak, but they are resistant. I do not blame them; I just wish they would see that I am trying to do what is right, what I should have done 10 months ago. I want to apologize and make things better. We were (what I thought was) best friends for more than 12 years, but looking back, I see that it was not the case. Whether they see this or not; whether they agree with this or not; whether this post causes them to hate me forever or see things from my point of view; whatever happens, I need to set the record straight for myself, so I am able to live, knowing I did not hide my feelings.
I have deleted the posts I made in January 2013 and shortly after, because they were written in haste and hate. The underlying reasons for writing those posts are still evident; however, the emotions were too strong and I should not have posted those posts under those so quickly.
Now, I would like to keep their friendship but I do not see that as being possible. Looking back on those 12 years of friendship...it was not really friendship. It was using me to get what you wanted. (I use 'you' to avoid using real names. If you are offended, you are either involved, or have been involved in a similar situation.) You dated almost every guy I did in high school, AFTER I did. You had kids with 2 of them, and married the second! The only one you did not have anything to do with, to my knowledge, was the father of my oldest, because he did not want you. But every other guy I dated, you dated. That doesn't really bother me, except it makes me feel like you were only my 'friend' because you enjoyed being around boys you wouldn't have been around otherwise. But enough about that. It was 12 years ago, I am over being used.
There are other reasons why I don't see our friendship ever being repaired, but I won't go into those now. It is seemingly pointless to write about issues here, when they will not own up to their faults (no one wants to do that, even me), and are not willing to open a dialogue about anything. I tried to apologize and tried to put things right, or even in the right direction, but everything I said was met with hostility and anger. I know I did something wrong, but after 9 months, let it go and move on. Accept that I was trying to make things right, trying to reverse the anger and resentment. But I guess some people are incapable of accepting apologies, incapable of seeing someone's desire to right their wrongs.
The biggest reason I do not see our friendship surviving is because of the way you feel the need to put me down and make me as miserable as you. You had this idea that I would have the marriage, the house with the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the loving husband, the golden retriever and the mini-van. YOU thought that was what I wanted, not me. Now you have a miserable marriage that neither of you want to work on to try to fix, you have kids that have no respect for you, your husband, or anyone else. But I am not here to play the blame game. You said you had all these ideals of where I would be and where you would be by now. I can't help that you did not have such high thoughts and goals for yourself until it happened. I'm glad that you are in school and are buying a house. Good for you both. But do not tell me that I wasted my life because I chose a different path than the one YOU wanted for me.
I have 2 beautiful daughters, granted I do not have a relationship with my oldest, a situation I will change. I just need to get my life together first. I admit, I have made some decisions that I regret and those decisions are the reason why I am moving to Florida. I do not have a stable support system here, and I need support. I need my family, the people that have had my back since day one, all through my bad decisions, no matter what. I will get my oldest daughter back...I just need to get my life together and on the right track first. I have a family that loves me, through good times and bad, good decisions and bad. I thought of you as family, but that changed when you promised to invite me to your wedding as your maid of honor, and then got married without ever notifying me. You got married and I had to find out about it through your Facebook page and your photos. It just shows how well you really thought of me. I guess that is all I can really expect. You never had family that was there for you through thick and thin.
So back to the main topic...in 24 hours, I will be at the airport, trying to get through security with CDL and our carry-ons, praying that CDL behaves and is not annoying to the rest of the people on the plane. The last time I flew with a child, I was 17, my oldest was 4 months, and I flew with my dad and his girlfriend at the time. So if I needed to use the restroom or wanted to get something to eat, Dad could take her. I do not have that option now, which scares me and worries me and makes me wish I had someone to go with me. CDL is normally well-behaved while around other people, but now that I have said that, she will be a terror. :-)
I will probably update again once we are in Florida and settled down. I am not sure when I will have internet access when I get there, as I will probably be busy settling in for a while and chasing CDL around and hoping Dad's dogs get along with CDL. Yet another thing to worry about. Is 8 AM too early to have a drink?! I feel like I need one, after being up for 4 hours already.
But I shall talk to ya'll later. Loves and blessings.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
And I will walk 1300 miles....
Or fly 1300 miles, actually.
So I know I said I would write more in the next 2 weeks, but as usual, life kind of took over all my time. Then I found out one of my friends from college has been battling breast cancer all summer, so that threw me for a loop.
So I have 8 days until our flight to Florida. I can't believe the time has gone by so fast. I still have so much to do and so much to ship. The day we leave will have a high temp of 53, when we land it will be 84 in Florida. Such a big change, especially with going through O'Hare Airport with an almost-13 month old who has never flown and the last time I flew with a child, it was my other kid who was only 4 months old and I was flying with her, my dad, and his (at the time) girlfriend, so if there was an issue or I had to use the restroom, one of them could watch her. I don't have the luxury this time around.
Honestly, I'm kind of scared. I've living in WI all my life, and now I'm packing up everything I own (that I can afford to ship; the rest will be Goodwill'd or just thrown away) to move 1300 miles to a state I have visited only a handful of times. I will be going when it is the 'winter' down there, so I don't have to deal with the high temps right away. It will just be a temperature shock those first few days as we adjust to 80s instead of 50s. I'm scared to live with my grandma, because it is her house and I don't want to seem ungrateful or imposing. I'm scared to live with my dad and my older brother again, because I don't get along with my brother at all and my dad is recovering from surgery and has his own issues to deal with. I'm scared to go down there, but I'm also afraid to go down there and have to hide who I am. Which I will probably have to do, because I don't want to cause more issues than I already am by moving down there.
It is a huge fuster-cluck, moving, packing, selling, re-packing, wondering if my roommate (ex-boyfriend) will actually pay me what he says he will for the truck. I'm keeping the title until I get the total amount anyway, because I'm not taking the chance that he's going to keep telling me all the crap he needs to do to the truck before he pays me anything. If he doesn't pay me anything before I leave, I will junk the truck myself and take a cab to the airport. He seems to have more excuses as to why he can't pay me than a mental hospital has patients.
Anyway, I have been feeling very alone lately. I don't have my best friend to talk to; I don't have a boyfriend worthy of my emotional and physical issues; I have a wonderful child that I feel like I can't even pay proper attention to because I have so many thoughts in my head that I can barely remember to use the restroom or feed myself. Maybe I'm feeling a little depressed at the thought of leaving the state that I have lived in for 28 years.
Speaking of 28 years! I was sick on my birthday with an Upper Respiratory Infection and Pneumonia, so I couldn't even be excited for the day of my birth, because every time I did something that got my heart rate or breathing up, I would cough uncontrollably. I'm feeling better now, but I think my daughter has something now. Not pneumonia or a URI but definitely a cold. So she feels like poo, I have so much going on in my head that I can't sleep, and we have just 8 short days until everything is finalized and we are in the sky, flying our way to Sarasota/Bradenton Airport.
So I know I said I would write more in the next 2 weeks, but as usual, life kind of took over all my time. Then I found out one of my friends from college has been battling breast cancer all summer, so that threw me for a loop.
So I have 8 days until our flight to Florida. I can't believe the time has gone by so fast. I still have so much to do and so much to ship. The day we leave will have a high temp of 53, when we land it will be 84 in Florida. Such a big change, especially with going through O'Hare Airport with an almost-13 month old who has never flown and the last time I flew with a child, it was my other kid who was only 4 months old and I was flying with her, my dad, and his (at the time) girlfriend, so if there was an issue or I had to use the restroom, one of them could watch her. I don't have the luxury this time around.
Honestly, I'm kind of scared. I've living in WI all my life, and now I'm packing up everything I own (that I can afford to ship; the rest will be Goodwill'd or just thrown away) to move 1300 miles to a state I have visited only a handful of times. I will be going when it is the 'winter' down there, so I don't have to deal with the high temps right away. It will just be a temperature shock those first few days as we adjust to 80s instead of 50s. I'm scared to live with my grandma, because it is her house and I don't want to seem ungrateful or imposing. I'm scared to live with my dad and my older brother again, because I don't get along with my brother at all and my dad is recovering from surgery and has his own issues to deal with. I'm scared to go down there, but I'm also afraid to go down there and have to hide who I am. Which I will probably have to do, because I don't want to cause more issues than I already am by moving down there.
It is a huge fuster-cluck, moving, packing, selling, re-packing, wondering if my roommate (ex-boyfriend) will actually pay me what he says he will for the truck. I'm keeping the title until I get the total amount anyway, because I'm not taking the chance that he's going to keep telling me all the crap he needs to do to the truck before he pays me anything. If he doesn't pay me anything before I leave, I will junk the truck myself and take a cab to the airport. He seems to have more excuses as to why he can't pay me than a mental hospital has patients.
Anyway, I have been feeling very alone lately. I don't have my best friend to talk to; I don't have a boyfriend worthy of my emotional and physical issues; I have a wonderful child that I feel like I can't even pay proper attention to because I have so many thoughts in my head that I can barely remember to use the restroom or feed myself. Maybe I'm feeling a little depressed at the thought of leaving the state that I have lived in for 28 years.
Speaking of 28 years! I was sick on my birthday with an Upper Respiratory Infection and Pneumonia, so I couldn't even be excited for the day of my birth, because every time I did something that got my heart rate or breathing up, I would cough uncontrollably. I'm feeling better now, but I think my daughter has something now. Not pneumonia or a URI but definitely a cold. So she feels like poo, I have so much going on in my head that I can't sleep, and we have just 8 short days until everything is finalized and we are in the sky, flying our way to Sarasota/Bradenton Airport.
Breast Cancer Awareness Month ~ October
I just found out last night that one of my friends from college has been battling breast cancer all summer, at age 27. She has no family history on either side of any kind of cancer, and is currently on her second round of Chemo. Please, if you haven't had one already, schedule a mammogram. I don't care if your doc says mammograms are only for women who are menopausal or whatever excuse they try to give you. Fight for the mammogram, because even a small lump can go undetected for years without a mammogram. My friend's surgeon said she may have had the lump for 10 years before she felt it in her monthly self exam. Finding the lump lead her to decide on a double mastectomy and rounds of Chemo. The surgeon also found cancer cells in her lymph nodes under one of her arms.
Needless to say, I had a hard time sleeping last night, because my mind just kept going on and on about the "what if" scenarios...what if I were to get cancer? What would I do with my daughters? How would I tell them? Would I be strong enough to get through it without having a nervous breakdown? My mind just wouldn't stop. I don't have any family history of breast cancer in ether side of my family, but my grandfather did have prostate cancer and skin cancer, and you never really know where those cancer cells are going to decide to stop and set up camp.
After reading my friends' blog, I was amazed at how she was able to keep her head (mostly) while dealing with the diagnosis and all the options, doctor appointments, surgeries, and the prospect of losing her breasts. I believe she is a much stronger woman than I am, because I am not sure if I would have taken to the situation the way she did, were I in her shoes.
You know, I found myself thinking, over the weekend, of all the things I have to do before we move to Florida on Oct 23rd, all the packing, selling, throwing away, organizing, and then, when I read her blog about her cancer battle, everything seemed to be put into perspective. The things I thought were so big and important and stressful, really weren't as bad as I thought. I was dealing with throwing away things I hadn't used in 10 years but still felt an emotional attachment to; packing things I thought I wanted just because I had spent hard earned money on it; but what I didn't realize is all the problems I thought were huge and insurmountable were really small and insignificant compared to what I could have been facing.
I won't use names and I might have posted too much info about her already (since I didn't get her permission before writing this post, I tried to use as little identifying information as possible), but please, if anyone actually reads my blog, male or female, please get checked for breast cancer, whether you have a family history of it or not. Just doing self checks once a month obviously isn't good enough anymore.
My friend, I commend you on your battle with something not many people could face with your sense of humor, determination, and faith. I know it has been years since we have seen or really talked with each other, but if there is anything that I can ever do for you, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Needless to say, I had a hard time sleeping last night, because my mind just kept going on and on about the "what if" scenarios...what if I were to get cancer? What would I do with my daughters? How would I tell them? Would I be strong enough to get through it without having a nervous breakdown? My mind just wouldn't stop. I don't have any family history of breast cancer in ether side of my family, but my grandfather did have prostate cancer and skin cancer, and you never really know where those cancer cells are going to decide to stop and set up camp.
After reading my friends' blog, I was amazed at how she was able to keep her head (mostly) while dealing with the diagnosis and all the options, doctor appointments, surgeries, and the prospect of losing her breasts. I believe she is a much stronger woman than I am, because I am not sure if I would have taken to the situation the way she did, were I in her shoes.
You know, I found myself thinking, over the weekend, of all the things I have to do before we move to Florida on Oct 23rd, all the packing, selling, throwing away, organizing, and then, when I read her blog about her cancer battle, everything seemed to be put into perspective. The things I thought were so big and important and stressful, really weren't as bad as I thought. I was dealing with throwing away things I hadn't used in 10 years but still felt an emotional attachment to; packing things I thought I wanted just because I had spent hard earned money on it; but what I didn't realize is all the problems I thought were huge and insurmountable were really small and insignificant compared to what I could have been facing.
I won't use names and I might have posted too much info about her already (since I didn't get her permission before writing this post, I tried to use as little identifying information as possible), but please, if anyone actually reads my blog, male or female, please get checked for breast cancer, whether you have a family history of it or not. Just doing self checks once a month obviously isn't good enough anymore.
My friend, I commend you on your battle with something not many people could face with your sense of humor, determination, and faith. I know it has been years since we have seen or really talked with each other, but if there is anything that I can ever do for you, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Small Update...
So it has been a long time since my last post and a lot of things have changed. I had another baby, she's a year old now. I lost one of my best friends over stupid decisions I made. I am moving to Florida in 2 weeks because of those decisions, and others, to be around my family. It is a long story, and I hope to update everything soon, probably with multiple posts over the next 2 weeks, whenever I can manage to sit down for a few minutes and gather my thoughts long enough to get things in the right order.
So I hope to be posting a lot more in the next 2 weeks, to get everyone up to date. Sorry I have been so absent...lots of things on my mind and IRL that are affecting me and my ability to get things done.
But I will be back!
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