I wish that there was some way to make things better. The closer the important date gets, the more and more anxious and jittery I feel. I can't seem to forget thinking about it, just like in the beginning. I almost feel like I'm pushing him away because I'm so terrified about what is going to happen in a few weeks, even though I try as hard as I can not to. I'm so scared of losing him, of having to re-live earlier dates when all the "information" was being recorded, of trying to keep my cool long enough to actually be able to help him through all this, because I know that he can't go through all this alone. It's just too much.
I wish I had someone that could come here and stay with both of us, in case one of us isn't able to keep the other from losing our heads. I can't trust anyone in my family to be able to do it, because I know that all they will do is try to get me to leave, and I can't do that. And I don't think any of my close friends that know about what is going on are willing to drop their lives to come here for however many days this how thing will take.I don't know. I just feel so alone most of the time, knowing that I can't talk to him about it because he's thinking about it too much as it is, and I can't talk to my family about it because they just think whatever they want to think, regardless of what really happened or who he really is.
I feel like I'm in a bad novel. Like I'm the main female character who is facing a huge event in her life with no one to talk to. I just want all of this to be over so we can go on making a life for ourselves and our family. I want my daughter back. I want his son back here with us where he belongs. I want people to stop making assumptions about someone they don't even know. But most of all, I want our life back. It has been almost a year since all of this started and I just want it to end. I'm tired of dealing with all of it. Especially since today I got a lovely subpoena from the other side, telling me that they need me in court on a certain day. There's no way in hell that I am going to be there for the other side. They can try to get me to do it, they can threaten me with jail time, fines, anything they want, but it's not going to happen. They are morons to even try.
I feel myself drifting further and further away from him but I can't seem to stop it. As the day gets closer and closer, it's always on my mind. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about it. I can't get my work done because I get distracted by some small thing that reminds me of it.
I just get the feeling like this is never going to end, that it will get postponed like it did however many times before. I have this feeling like the other side wants me there for them because they want to try to use my words against me. They just haven't taken into account how smart I really am, how well I am able to catch when someone asks me the same question using a different wording. I want to send them a letter, telling them that they are morons and that there is no way in hell that I'd ever do what they wanted, and if it wasn't for the fact that I know damn well nothing happened, I wouldn't even be here. I know a lot of females stay by their man when something happens, but I'm not that way. If you do something wrong, then I'm gone. I don't want to be associated with anything involved with it. But I know for a fact that nothing happened, and I'm going to be there when the decision comes down and makes the other two people involved look like the damn fools they are.
I can't even begin to think of what would happen if (and this is a BIG if) things don't go the way we think/hope/wish/almost know with certainty. I can't. I want to....have to....stay positive, because if I start to think negative, I am afraid it will have an affect on the outcome and I know it would have an affect on him. And he doesn't need me making him any more nervous than he already is. We both just want all this crap over so we can move on. We want the truth to come out so everyone knows that the two other people were wrong, so that everything will be over, so we can move on. That's all we want...for the truth to come out so we can move on and start forgetting about all this that has happened over the last year.
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