Why?

Why? Why do I put myself through this all the time? Why can't I seem to find someone that actually loves me for me and doesn't try to play with my emotions and change the things that I say around to make him look good and me look like the bitch? Why is it that every time I've ever loved someone, I've been hurt, my heart dragged through the mud repeatedly, only to find myself right back here with him? Do I really like the punishment? Do I deserve all of this stress and unhappiness and pain? Why do I always fall for the men that are so totally wrong for me? Why is it that everyone else can see that he is so wrong for me, yet I'm still here? 

Is there something wrong with me, that causes "normal" guys to become totally different after they start dating me? Am I really that much of a bitch to be around, that I make everyone miserable, like some are so ready to proclaim? Am I really destined to be alone, with only my thoughts and wishes and prayers to keep me company? Am I truly the reason that people can't stand to be around me any longer than they absolutely feel they have to be? Do I really have so much knowledge in my head, book knowledge, that I have forgotten my interpersonal skills and can't communicate with regular people? Or is the reason that I can't communicate the fact that I' too stupid to figure it out? 

Maybe that's why my mother hates me. Maybe that's why my daughter is being taken from me. Maybe that's why no man can "stand" to be with me. Maybe that's why so many people tell me that I'm stupid, that I make him miserable, that I need to change everything about me in order for people to like me. Maybe I really am destined to be alone, never marry, lead a solitary depressing life. 

I have heard so many people tell me that I'm beautiful, that I can have any guy that I want, that I will go far in life because I am so smart, yet I can't seem to get anywhere. People see me as being so smart, yet I can't even communicate with my fiancee without it starting a fight. Sure, I get A's in all my classes (so far) for my Bachelor's degree, yet I can't seem to find a job, be attracted, or be seen as attractive, to a man that doesn't want to use and abuse me, can't seem to feel like I'm actually doing something with my life, other than fucking up everything I try to do. 

I try as hard as I can to be a good mother, be the mother to my daughter that my mother never was to me, yet my daughter's father is trying to convince everyone and anyone who will listen that I'm a danger to her, that I'm a bad mother. No matter what I try to do in life, it comes back to bite me on the butt. Even if I try to do nothing in a situation, it still backfires in my face. Try as I might, nothing goes the way it is supposed to. Or maybe it does. Maybe the Gods and Goddesses have planned this for me, planned this lonely, depressing life for me to live. I can't see any other reason why I would be caused this much pain and stress and confusion if it was not planned for me. 

But if it is planned for me, what am I supposed to learn from this? How can I be a productive member of society when I can't even keep my personal life straight? How can I apply the knowledge that I have, in so many different subjects, when I can't apply it to my personal life and actually make the right choices?Why does it seem that, no matter what "type" of guy I date, they always end up telling me that they are miserable with me, that they don't want to be with me, that they can do so much better? Why can't I just find someone who truly loves me for me, not for the person that he wants me to be? 

Above all, why can't I just live a happy, fulfilled life with someone who loves me? Why does it always come down to me crying myself to sleep on the couch, while he sleeps in the bed downstairs, acting like the fight was all my fault, that I'm the one that pushed him away and made him miserable?  Why do I always end up crying myself to sleep, writing a blog that only two people ever see or read, knowing that tomorrow he will wake up and either start the fight back up again or act like everything is fine? How is he able to act like everything is fine when I'm hurting? If I act like something is bothering me, he says that I "need to learn to let go of the past and focus on your relationship now", yet how can I do that when the things that were said (screamed) the night before were so hurtful and cut me so deep? How can I focus on my relationship now, when he ended it tonight? He ended it, yet he says it was my decision to end it. I don't understand why I have all this pain in my life. All I want to do is be happy and have a happy and healthy relationship, yet there are so many barriers that I have no idea how to jump over or dig under to get past.

I guess this is what I get for whatever it is that the Gods and Goddesses believe that I have done wrong. Maybe I do deserve to be alone and lonely and in pain. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy, to have someone that loves me for me. Maybe I'm destined to be alone, to be smart and beautiful, yet no man will want me. Maybe that's what I'm destined for and I just have to accept it.....