I'll be the first to admit that I am a hopeless romantic. I watch 'chic flicks' and wonder why I can't find a guy like that, why my life doesn't turn out that way. Yes, I know that movies and books are not real, but it would be nice to know whether or not there is someone out there for me that really truly wants me for me, not because he likes the idea of me. I am intelligent, opinionated, dedicated, passionate, honest; I've been hurt so much in the past that I put up walls and no one sees these things, except for those close to me that have seen me through the worst and helped picked me up when I fall.
I want to travel the world, see Italy, Germany, Ireland, Scotland, Russia, and as many historical locations in the United States as I can fit into one lifetime. I want to have more kids, but only with someone that will appreciate children and love my daughter as his own. My daughter has a father; I'm not looking for a replacement. But I refuse to put my daughter to the wayside while I flit from guy to guy, trying to find one that truly wants to me with me in all my different attitudes, moods, whatever. I don't want to have to explain to anyone why I want to do laundry at a certain time, or go to the store, or whatever. I want to be able to hold a conversation with someone that doesn't revolve around household chores, work, or the problems we have with our family. I want to talk about books I've read, movies I've enjoyed, current affairs; I want to talk about all that and more, without someone saying "It doesn't directly affect me, so I don't care about it". I can't be with someone that buries their head in the sand and ignores the world.
I am not what most people would call a 'classy' woman. I don't like champagne, or wine, or expensive dinners. Well, an expensive dinner once in a while might be nice, granted only if the food is worth it. I wear jeans and a T-shirt most of the time, and tennis shoes unless I feel like dressing up a little bit. I hate wearing make-up most of the time, but I do like what make-up can do to bring out my eyes. I just hate the amount of time it takes to get it looking right. I wish I could wake up in the morning and have it already be done. I swear like a sailor, I don't care who I offend. I will be the first to admit that I am nowhere near politically correct. I drink beer and hard liquor. I don't like champagne. I don't like wine. I love country music, and other genres of music, depending on my mood.
My dad has always been there for me. He's my rock. We are two peas in a pod, more like best friends than father and daughter. Of course, most people think that is weird, strange, not right, whatever. But I don't really care. My dad is the only person I KNOW I can count on. There are a few others that I can sometimes count on, but they tend to move in and out of my life whenever it suits them. My sister is different. We are best friends, but talking to her is much different than talking to my dad.However, tthere isn't much that one knows that the other doesn't. I can tell my dad that I really like or really hate a guy. My sister will dissect the pros and cons of someone with me, while my dad just says that he wants me to be happy, and if they hurt me, he will hurt them. I think that's a dad thing. But they are there for me whatever happens. If I make a bad decision, or a string of them for that matter, they will always be there to help me up, brush me off, and tell me that they are glad that I finally came to my senses. They won't say 'I told you so' but I can tell that they think it. And I'm totally fine with that.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
GRR!
I know I broke up with him almost a month ago, but I can't get over him. Oh, I still hate his family. His mother is the worst waste of space that I have ever seen. She was here last weekend, while my sister, her husband, and I went to Summerfest. The cops came to the back door, because the neighbor's dog got out and one of the neighbors has complained about his back door being wide open. Does she bother to call me, the person that lives here, to tell me that the cops had been here?? NOPE. She waits until 11:30 at night when I got home, to bombard me with the information as soon as I walked in the door. I flipped on her, of course, because she doesn't have 2 brain cells to rub together to make a coherent thought. I told M that his mother is not allowed back into MY home when I am not going to be here. I can't trust her. I mean, I live here, so I need to know who comes to the door, what happens. And it wasn't just that one thing. I had told her many times NOT to leave water in my pots and pans, because it will ruin them. What did she do last weekend? She left water in a pan. I would have bitched at her for that, only she was gone and on her way home before I noticed the pan in the sink. The third thing that happened, that I bitched at her for when I got home that night, was her taking my dog outside on her leash. I have a run set up in the front yard for my dog, so you can just let her out and she only has about 20 feet or so. It keeps her on the front yard and far enough away from the sidewalk that no one can complain about her. Well, M's mom decided to take my dog outside on her leash every time she wanted to go out. His mom said that my dog went out about 3 times more than she normally does. That was because when you hook her up to her leash, she thinks she's going for a walk! I explained this to his mom many many times, and she still doesn't understand it.
The other person I hate from his family is his grandmother. She is an annoying, can't do anything for herself when I'm here, but can do it when I'm not around, repeat herself all the time, and can't figure out what the dog's name is, even though I've told her thousands of times, total pain in my ass. She seems to be intent on making my life miserable. I know that she is 86 years old, but she doesn't have Alzheimer's, she doesn't have any kind of disease or illness or anything that would prevent her from doing anything or remembering the damn dog's name. She wonders why the dog never listens to her. Well...that would be because she calls the dog Rocky, and the dog's name is ROXY. The dog knows her name, so it makes sense that the dog wouldn't listen when you call her the wrong name! But no, that old bag can't figure it out. And if the old rag's voice wasn't so annoying, I would just let Roxy do whatever she wants. But her voice is like nails on a chalkboard, so I yell Roxy's name and tell her to go lay down, just to get that damn woman to shut the hell up! I will be SOOO fucking happy when she finally kicks the damn bucket. Honestly, if I knew how to do it and get away with it, I would poison her and finally be rid of her. But I don't, so I can't.
M's 'father' (sperm donor is more like it) isn't much better than his mom and his grandmother. His father doesn't believe anything unless you prove it to him, and even then, he still stands there and says 'well that can't be right'. I just proved it to you, you moron! Of course it's right!
Honestly, I thought MY family was fucked up. No, M's family is a million times worse than my family. At least only one side of my family is fucked up (mom's). BOTH sides of his family are fucked up. His mother can't use her head for more than a hat rack; his sister is so fucked up and such a hypochondriac that I'm surprised she wakes up every day, instead of killing herself in her sleep with all the medications she insists she needs; his grandmother is content to do the same damn things every single day, yet complains to her daughter (M's mom) that she wants to get out of the house more. Well, stop walking with that damn walker and start using the cane you just HAD to have, and maybe you can get out more. Stop acting like an invalid, because you aren't one! His mother had one of M's friends build a wooden thing for the back step, so that grandmother can 'go down that step easier'. She did this while I was at Summerfest, so of course she didn't call me and ask me if I had the money to pay him for the wood, or pay for the stain and weather proofing that needs to be done, so the wood doesn't rot away in a year. No, she doesn't call me and ask me anything. She just decides that grandmother needs it - she never asked for it, his mom just decided that grandmother needed it, even though she never complained about it - and puts me up for more money, which I don't have. I swear, if it was legal to kill someone and I knew for a fact I would get away with it, I would wipe out his whole family. They have smoked themselves stupid, or were just born this dumb. I don't know for sure, but I am VERY surprised that they have each made it this far in life, being as stupid as they are. I'm surprised that they didn't fall down stairs while drunk, or played chicken with a train and end up as a 'these people did stupid shit and died' statistic.
I have tried to talk to his mother about all of this, but it's like talking to a brick wall. No, a brick wall is smarter than her. I have talked and repeated myself until I was damn near blue in the face, and she never changes. I haven't told her yet that I don't want her here when I'm not here, but I'm thinking about calling her in the morning and bitching her out, again, and ending with me telling her I don't want her here ever again. I don't even trust her to be here when I'm actually here, much less when I'm not here. I'm surprised she hasn't killed her mother yet, as little regard she shows for MY house rules and MY home in general.
I have little patience for stupid people, and his family has cornered the market on stupid. There aren't enough words to describe just how stupid they are. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I can only handle so much stupid, before I just want to haul off and smack the stupid out of someone. Of course, if I tried to do that with his family, I would beat them to death, because they are so stupid that no amount of beating will stop them.
Sure, I've done plenty of stupid things in my life; I don't pretend that I'm perfect. I'm far from it. But I limit my stupidity to only once or twice per day. They have maybe ONE half-assed smart move per day, all three of them combined, and that's on a perfect day! I doubt the three of them have more than 10 smart or half-smart thoughts, actions, etc. per year.
The other person I hate from his family is his grandmother. She is an annoying, can't do anything for herself when I'm here, but can do it when I'm not around, repeat herself all the time, and can't figure out what the dog's name is, even though I've told her thousands of times, total pain in my ass. She seems to be intent on making my life miserable. I know that she is 86 years old, but she doesn't have Alzheimer's, she doesn't have any kind of disease or illness or anything that would prevent her from doing anything or remembering the damn dog's name. She wonders why the dog never listens to her. Well...that would be because she calls the dog Rocky, and the dog's name is ROXY. The dog knows her name, so it makes sense that the dog wouldn't listen when you call her the wrong name! But no, that old bag can't figure it out. And if the old rag's voice wasn't so annoying, I would just let Roxy do whatever she wants. But her voice is like nails on a chalkboard, so I yell Roxy's name and tell her to go lay down, just to get that damn woman to shut the hell up! I will be SOOO fucking happy when she finally kicks the damn bucket. Honestly, if I knew how to do it and get away with it, I would poison her and finally be rid of her. But I don't, so I can't.
M's 'father' (sperm donor is more like it) isn't much better than his mom and his grandmother. His father doesn't believe anything unless you prove it to him, and even then, he still stands there and says 'well that can't be right'. I just proved it to you, you moron! Of course it's right!
Honestly, I thought MY family was fucked up. No, M's family is a million times worse than my family. At least only one side of my family is fucked up (mom's). BOTH sides of his family are fucked up. His mother can't use her head for more than a hat rack; his sister is so fucked up and such a hypochondriac that I'm surprised she wakes up every day, instead of killing herself in her sleep with all the medications she insists she needs; his grandmother is content to do the same damn things every single day, yet complains to her daughter (M's mom) that she wants to get out of the house more. Well, stop walking with that damn walker and start using the cane you just HAD to have, and maybe you can get out more. Stop acting like an invalid, because you aren't one! His mother had one of M's friends build a wooden thing for the back step, so that grandmother can 'go down that step easier'. She did this while I was at Summerfest, so of course she didn't call me and ask me if I had the money to pay him for the wood, or pay for the stain and weather proofing that needs to be done, so the wood doesn't rot away in a year. No, she doesn't call me and ask me anything. She just decides that grandmother needs it - she never asked for it, his mom just decided that grandmother needed it, even though she never complained about it - and puts me up for more money, which I don't have. I swear, if it was legal to kill someone and I knew for a fact I would get away with it, I would wipe out his whole family. They have smoked themselves stupid, or were just born this dumb. I don't know for sure, but I am VERY surprised that they have each made it this far in life, being as stupid as they are. I'm surprised that they didn't fall down stairs while drunk, or played chicken with a train and end up as a 'these people did stupid shit and died' statistic.
I have tried to talk to his mother about all of this, but it's like talking to a brick wall. No, a brick wall is smarter than her. I have talked and repeated myself until I was damn near blue in the face, and she never changes. I haven't told her yet that I don't want her here when I'm not here, but I'm thinking about calling her in the morning and bitching her out, again, and ending with me telling her I don't want her here ever again. I don't even trust her to be here when I'm actually here, much less when I'm not here. I'm surprised she hasn't killed her mother yet, as little regard she shows for MY house rules and MY home in general.
I have little patience for stupid people, and his family has cornered the market on stupid. There aren't enough words to describe just how stupid they are. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I can only handle so much stupid, before I just want to haul off and smack the stupid out of someone. Of course, if I tried to do that with his family, I would beat them to death, because they are so stupid that no amount of beating will stop them.
Sure, I've done plenty of stupid things in my life; I don't pretend that I'm perfect. I'm far from it. But I limit my stupidity to only once or twice per day. They have maybe ONE half-assed smart move per day, all three of them combined, and that's on a perfect day! I doubt the three of them have more than 10 smart or half-smart thoughts, actions, etc. per year.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Those DAMNED illegals are EVERYWHERE!
This blog actually started as a comment on a yahoo.com article (link is here: http://tinyurl.com/62t88y8)
It just got so long that I couldn't fit it all in the comment section. But here it is, for anyone that wants to read my thoughts on the subject.
The problem here is that the law is open to interpretation. That's how the laws are applied. Personally, I have no problem with the illegals being kicked out, not given a free education, etc. Just because you were born here, doesn't mean that you don't get kicked out with your illegal parents!! I am a 4th generation German-American. my great-grandparents came over here from Germany, with a sponsor, they learned English, learned American History (what history there was at the time), and they passed the test to become an American Citizen. I don't mind if people come here from other countries; the U.S. is the 'melting pot' of the world. What I have a problem with is these low-life illegals coming here, taking the money that I put into Social Security and other programs, while they decide that they are 'too good' to learn English and want everything else to be translated into Spanish for them. Have any of you been to the DMV lately? Or even to the grocery store, gas station, or called a Customer Service number? THIS IS AMERICA! WHERE THE HELL DOES IT SAY THAT I HAVE TO PRESS 'ONE' FOR ENGLISH?!
It's just like high school or college - If you don't belong in the class, you get kicked out, whether the reason be you failed a prerequisite class, you didn't pay, or you are just too stupid to follow the information. That applies to illegals too. I'm sick and tired of, every stinking time I turn on the news or the radio, there is yet ANOTHER report of some bastard illegal getting into a horrible car accident with no license and no insurance, or driving drunk and killing someone, or robbing a store/bank, and what happens? They go to trial, at taxpayers expense. They are held in jail, at taxpayers expense. They serve their time, at taxpayers expense. When their sentence is over, they are deported, at taxpayers expense. But what stops them from coming right back over the border illegally again? Oh yea, that's right. Not a Damn THING! They get a free ride in the U.S., get sent back to Mexico, and in a few weeks or months, they are right back here. If Americans weren't so "holier-than-thou" and would actually work the jobs that illegals do, we wouldn't have this problem. Of course, employers LOVE having illegals, because they don't have to pay payroll tax, they don't have to pay insurance, and if someone goofs off, they can fire that one and there are 2,000,000 waiting in line to take their place.
There was talk in my area that the illegals wanted the state to allow them to have driver's licenses, but because they couldn't provide a Social Security card and a U.S. birth certificate, they aren't able to get a license. Well, here's an idea to fix that - Set aside every Saturday for 6 months at the DMV where no one will be helped, except illegals that want to get a driver's license. When they go outside for the driver's test, have the U.S. Marshals and ICE waiting out back, with a bunch of semi trailers and truck drivers. Stuff the illegals into the back of the trucks (they should be used to it, that's how they arrived in the U.S. anyway) and ship their asses out to the Nevada Desert. Don't take them back to Mexico, or we will just have to round them up again. Take them to Nevada and have the military bases out there practice their target shooting. Hey, even once a month, have a gun club rent out the military firing range and let the gun club take care of the illegals! That's even better than having the military do it. The military has enough to do already; let someone else take care of it. Hell, gun clubs are used to hitting useless targets, so shooting the illegals won't take much work. Take it up a notch, and have the illegals try to escape from the firing squad. That would make it even MORE fun! This is America and, according to the rest of the world, we are a bunch of lazy, over-fed and under-worked, boring people. Well, we will cease to be those things if we have a little target practice with the illegals! You can even let the kids get in on it; just give them a paint-ball gun. The adults, or those with actual, legal guns and a license to carry, can take care of the paint-covered Spics after the kids get bored and leave to do something else. (And the kids will leave, they always do when something no longer holds their attention)
Anyway, now that you have read my blog about illegals Spics (when I say Spics, I don't mean just Mexicans. I mean every single solitary waste of space that has entered the U.S. illegally), I guess it is time for you to find something else to do! I can't keep your attention here indefinitely! Nor do I want your attention here indefinitely. So read what you want, and move the hell on! (Oh, and I mean that in the best possible way) :-)
It just got so long that I couldn't fit it all in the comment section. But here it is, for anyone that wants to read my thoughts on the subject.
The problem here is that the law is open to interpretation. That's how the laws are applied. Personally, I have no problem with the illegals being kicked out, not given a free education, etc. Just because you were born here, doesn't mean that you don't get kicked out with your illegal parents!! I am a 4th generation German-American. my great-grandparents came over here from Germany, with a sponsor, they learned English, learned American History (what history there was at the time), and they passed the test to become an American Citizen. I don't mind if people come here from other countries; the U.S. is the 'melting pot' of the world. What I have a problem with is these low-life illegals coming here, taking the money that I put into Social Security and other programs, while they decide that they are 'too good' to learn English and want everything else to be translated into Spanish for them. Have any of you been to the DMV lately? Or even to the grocery store, gas station, or called a Customer Service number? THIS IS AMERICA! WHERE THE HELL DOES IT SAY THAT I HAVE TO PRESS 'ONE' FOR ENGLISH?!
It's just like high school or college - If you don't belong in the class, you get kicked out, whether the reason be you failed a prerequisite class, you didn't pay, or you are just too stupid to follow the information. That applies to illegals too. I'm sick and tired of, every stinking time I turn on the news or the radio, there is yet ANOTHER report of some bastard illegal getting into a horrible car accident with no license and no insurance, or driving drunk and killing someone, or robbing a store/bank, and what happens? They go to trial, at taxpayers expense. They are held in jail, at taxpayers expense. They serve their time, at taxpayers expense. When their sentence is over, they are deported, at taxpayers expense. But what stops them from coming right back over the border illegally again? Oh yea, that's right. Not a Damn THING! They get a free ride in the U.S., get sent back to Mexico, and in a few weeks or months, they are right back here. If Americans weren't so "holier-than-thou" and would actually work the jobs that illegals do, we wouldn't have this problem. Of course, employers LOVE having illegals, because they don't have to pay payroll tax, they don't have to pay insurance, and if someone goofs off, they can fire that one and there are 2,000,000 waiting in line to take their place.
There was talk in my area that the illegals wanted the state to allow them to have driver's licenses, but because they couldn't provide a Social Security card and a U.S. birth certificate, they aren't able to get a license. Well, here's an idea to fix that - Set aside every Saturday for 6 months at the DMV where no one will be helped, except illegals that want to get a driver's license. When they go outside for the driver's test, have the U.S. Marshals and ICE waiting out back, with a bunch of semi trailers and truck drivers. Stuff the illegals into the back of the trucks (they should be used to it, that's how they arrived in the U.S. anyway) and ship their asses out to the Nevada Desert. Don't take them back to Mexico, or we will just have to round them up again. Take them to Nevada and have the military bases out there practice their target shooting. Hey, even once a month, have a gun club rent out the military firing range and let the gun club take care of the illegals! That's even better than having the military do it. The military has enough to do already; let someone else take care of it. Hell, gun clubs are used to hitting useless targets, so shooting the illegals won't take much work. Take it up a notch, and have the illegals try to escape from the firing squad. That would make it even MORE fun! This is America and, according to the rest of the world, we are a bunch of lazy, over-fed and under-worked, boring people. Well, we will cease to be those things if we have a little target practice with the illegals! You can even let the kids get in on it; just give them a paint-ball gun. The adults, or those with actual, legal guns and a license to carry, can take care of the paint-covered Spics after the kids get bored and leave to do something else. (And the kids will leave, they always do when something no longer holds their attention)
Anyway, now that you have read my blog about illegals Spics (when I say Spics, I don't mean just Mexicans. I mean every single solitary waste of space that has entered the U.S. illegally), I guess it is time for you to find something else to do! I can't keep your attention here indefinitely! Nor do I want your attention here indefinitely. So read what you want, and move the hell on! (Oh, and I mean that in the best possible way) :-)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I have no idea how I'm going to get through the next 18 months. Just in the last two months, I've gotten so damn bored with everything. It's the same shit every day, all day. I absolutely HATE taking care of his grandmother, knowing that I have no where else to do, I can't force his mother to take his grandmother, because I know he would never forgive me if I did, even though he tries to tell me different. This was all dumped on my lap, his grandmother and everything else, and I don't like it. But I have no option, other than moving in with my sister in Janesville, and I really don't want to do that, simply because she is 2 weeks married and has 4 kids. Not a lot of room for me. I don't really feel like riding the couch and feeling like a live-in babysitter. I know my sister wouldn't treat me like that on purpose, but I know both she and her now-husband are busy and taking care of 4 kids is a hand full. I love my sister, but I honestly don't know how she does it.
And I try to talk to people - my dad, my grandma, even my sister - about things, and all they tell me is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" (grandma), "You are doing a great thing, taking all of this on. You are a great girl with a level head on your shoulders. You can do this. Just depend on yourself and your strengths and you will be fine" (Dad), "Why don't you drop off grandma off at his mom's and move in with us>" (my sister). I guess what I'm looking for is a shoulder to cry on, so to speak, someone that will listen to me and not try to fix things or tell me what they would do in my position. I guess my only option is to swallow my complaints and go about my business. It's hard, because sometimes I feel like things are going to over-whelm me and I'll just crack and go crazy. Writing things down doesn't help, because I just get more upset, due to re-living the things that had upset me.
I guess I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. I didn't ask for this, but I have no other option. Sadly, I don't think I will be with him after he gets out. I just can't deal with it anymore. I had promised that I would stay until he gets out, to be able to take care of his grandma, but after he gets out, I doubt that I'll be around much longer. I just need to find a job and save money (hard thing to do when I'm trying to take care of everything else here that takes money) and find my own place. Hopefully, I'll be able to move back to Waukesha and be by my friends and familiar places and have my own place and have my daughter back.
I haven't really felt love towards him in a long time. But I can't tell him that, not while he's in jail. I'm only here out of convenience, not love or lust or even friendship.
And I try to talk to people - my dad, my grandma, even my sister - about things, and all they tell me is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" (grandma), "You are doing a great thing, taking all of this on. You are a great girl with a level head on your shoulders. You can do this. Just depend on yourself and your strengths and you will be fine" (Dad), "Why don't you drop off grandma off at his mom's and move in with us>" (my sister). I guess what I'm looking for is a shoulder to cry on, so to speak, someone that will listen to me and not try to fix things or tell me what they would do in my position. I guess my only option is to swallow my complaints and go about my business. It's hard, because sometimes I feel like things are going to over-whelm me and I'll just crack and go crazy. Writing things down doesn't help, because I just get more upset, due to re-living the things that had upset me.
I guess I just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. I didn't ask for this, but I have no other option. Sadly, I don't think I will be with him after he gets out. I just can't deal with it anymore. I had promised that I would stay until he gets out, to be able to take care of his grandma, but after he gets out, I doubt that I'll be around much longer. I just need to find a job and save money (hard thing to do when I'm trying to take care of everything else here that takes money) and find my own place. Hopefully, I'll be able to move back to Waukesha and be by my friends and familiar places and have my own place and have my daughter back.
I haven't really felt love towards him in a long time. But I can't tell him that, not while he's in jail. I'm only here out of convenience, not love or lust or even friendship.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
So .... I found out over the weekend that my ex, my daughter's father, is expecting a baby with his girlfriend. She is due Sept. 27, THREE DAYS before my 26th birthday. A guy that can't pay proper attention to his 8 year old daughter when she is with him, can't get up in the morning to make sure she gets to school safely, and wants to prove to the courts that I am a bad mother, is going to have another baby. And it bugs the hell out of me.
It's not that I want to be with him, or have another child with him, or anything. I just hate how things seem to be going along just fine for everyone else, but not for me. He seems so happy and to be honest, I'm jealous as hell that they are having a baby. I want another baby, but the man I'm with has so many kids already, and has already said multiple times that he doesn't really want more kids, but will have more with me just because I want more. I don't want to force him to be a father again, when he has pretty clearly told me that he has enough kids already. But I can't ignore the fact that I want more kids. And I don't know if I can be with him. I have already decided that I will not marry him while his grandma is living with us, because it is just too much for me. I just can't imagine trying to plan a wedding while she's still alive. Call me self-centered, bitchy, mean, whatever ... I just will not marry him while she's alive. Unless she is NOT living with us anymore.
I can't stand to have her here now, I can't imagine trying to live a married life and everything else that goes along with it while she is here. I know it's not much different in terms of living and taking care of things, but I just can't stand the idea of having her here while we are married. She is too important to him for me to play second fiddle to her for the next however-many years she'll still be alive. I don't even know if I can marry him. There are too many issues between us that haven't been resolved, and probably won't be resolved, because every time I try to talk to him about things, he gets defensive and tells me it is all my fault that we don't get along. It is honestly like I'm just supposed to do whatever he wants me to do, say whatever he wants me to say, and wear whatever he wants me to wear, just to make him happy, while I stay miserable and contemplate leaving him. Which I do on a daily basis, by the way. The only reason I haven't left yet is because I just don't have a job and the money to pay for my own place. My sister says I can move in with her and her fiancée and their 4 kids, but, as much as I love my sister and her family, I just can't imagine being myself and finding my way in life by living with them and riding the couch.
I want to win the lottery and move out, get my own place and decorate it, do my own thing, and not have to worry about anything with him anymore. Maybe I can talk to my dad and convince him to let me take over his house when he moves, instead of leaving it to go into foreclosure. I need to get a job to be able to pay the cable, phone, internet, and other bills, but other than that, Dad would be sending me the payment for the mortgage. I think. I just want to get back to Waukesha and my friends. I feel like I'm suffocating here, because there are so many things that are unresolved. He's trying to change everything about me, and I just want someone that will accept me for me and not try to mold me into some kind of make-up every day, knee-high boots with pants tucked in, skin tight shirts with tits hanging out absurdly, looking like a whore that just walked out of the whore house, woman. It's like I can't be myself anymore. He wants me to be who he thinks I should be, but that's not me. I was raised to be myself and not worry about what others think about me, yet he wants me to start worrying about what he thinks 'because he has to be seen with me when we go somewhere'. Well, I don't really care. I can't dress up and look 'sexy' (as he calls it) when I feel like I'm just there to be his little sex slave, wearing whatever he wants me to wear, not being able to have an opinion, because if I voice my opinion or my thoughts, I get into trouble.
It is so frustrating, to have someone not listen to you, have someone talk over you whenever you try to tell them what you are thinking and feeling, have someone tell you things that you have no reason to feel that way, that they don't understand why you feel that way, because no one in the world would look at things the same way you do.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Do you believe in true love?
I don't believe in the 'pop culture' version of true love, where every girl wants the knight in shining armor, white horse, little house with a white picket fence. Those things would be nice to have, but in reality, it rarely happens that way. And if we all wait for that version of 'love', no one would be with anyone.
I believe that true love is being comfortable enough with someone to let them know every little thing about you, knowing that they won't hold it against you or throw it in your face. True love is being able to show your weaknesses and not be laughed at; show your strong points and not be seen as too 'macho' (for guys), or too 'manly' (for women); and just be yourself, without someone constantly trying to change you.
Call me crazy, but society has become too decided on the gender roles that people should play, and when anyone tries to step outside those gender roles, they are seen as different, and that is not fair.
Why can't we all just be who we are comfortable being, instead of what society says we should be? When did the societal norm for women become having to be a size 2, having perfect hair and perfect make-up from the time she wakes up until she lays down in bed, and having to cater to what her significant other wants? When did society make is to important for women to have someone in their life? A women who decides not to be with someone has to deal with the constant questions from friends, family, and co-workers about 'why aren't you dating anyone?' and 'oh, I know someone who would be perfect for you!' Why can't we just be ourselves without someone always having to put in their 2-cents about every little thing?
I'm sorry, but the day that you can manage every little thing in your life and have nothing go wrong, no problems, THAT will be the day that you can tell me who I should meet, go out with, or spend time with. Until that day, keep my life out of your mind, and leave well enough alone. When I am willing to be in a relationship again, I will take it upon MYSELF to talk to people, to put myself out there to meet someone. I don't need someone always wanting to stick their nose in and try to 'help' me. If I needed help, I would see a therapist.
Call me cynical, bitchy, whatever, but I don't think a woman has to have a man in order to be happy. There are plenty of women out there who live their lives single and happy, doing whatever they want, whatever makes them happy and leaves them feeling fulfilled. If people would spend more time on themselves, worried about themselves a little more than everyone around them, things would be a lot better. Stop worrying so much about everyone else's lives, when you can't even manage your own life.
I believe that true love is being comfortable enough with someone to let them know every little thing about you, knowing that they won't hold it against you or throw it in your face. True love is being able to show your weaknesses and not be laughed at; show your strong points and not be seen as too 'macho' (for guys), or too 'manly' (for women); and just be yourself, without someone constantly trying to change you.
Call me crazy, but society has become too decided on the gender roles that people should play, and when anyone tries to step outside those gender roles, they are seen as different, and that is not fair.
Why can't we all just be who we are comfortable being, instead of what society says we should be? When did the societal norm for women become having to be a size 2, having perfect hair and perfect make-up from the time she wakes up until she lays down in bed, and having to cater to what her significant other wants? When did society make is to important for women to have someone in their life? A women who decides not to be with someone has to deal with the constant questions from friends, family, and co-workers about 'why aren't you dating anyone?' and 'oh, I know someone who would be perfect for you!' Why can't we just be ourselves without someone always having to put in their 2-cents about every little thing?
I'm sorry, but the day that you can manage every little thing in your life and have nothing go wrong, no problems, THAT will be the day that you can tell me who I should meet, go out with, or spend time with. Until that day, keep my life out of your mind, and leave well enough alone. When I am willing to be in a relationship again, I will take it upon MYSELF to talk to people, to put myself out there to meet someone. I don't need someone always wanting to stick their nose in and try to 'help' me. If I needed help, I would see a therapist.
Call me cynical, bitchy, whatever, but I don't think a woman has to have a man in order to be happy. There are plenty of women out there who live their lives single and happy, doing whatever they want, whatever makes them happy and leaves them feeling fulfilled. If people would spend more time on themselves, worried about themselves a little more than everyone around them, things would be a lot better. Stop worrying so much about everyone else's lives, when you can't even manage your own life.
I just can't see it...
For some reason, I can no longer see myself marrying him, spending the rest of my life with him. Nothing big has changed, at least from what I can see, but I just can't see myself with him when I think about the future.
The biggest problem is that I don't know how to tell him that, because I fear that he will over-react and take things the wrong way, the way he always does when I try to tell him how I feel. I know we need to talk about things, but it's hard to do, because we are so busy with her, his different classes he has to take, and finding a job for him, plus all the things I have to do.
That sounds like excuses, but it's not. It is fact, that we no longer have time to spend with each other because of her. Everything revolves around getting her to doctor appointments, getting her up to the bathroom, getting her up to do her physical therapy, making meals that she can eat, which have to be different than what we eat, because she can't eat spices at all.
And for some reason, it seems like it doesn't bother him at all. He still finds time to be horny, and expects me to be the same. He expects me to not be tired, not to be irritated because she feels the need to talk during shows, but is totally quiet during commercials. He expects me not to have a headache from yelling at her because she can't hear him, so I have to repeat everything he says.
I knew it was going to be a big transition, her coming to live with us, but I didn't think it was going to be this hard on me. I'm tired all the time, never feel like doing anything, haven't been sleeping right, and just in general, I feel like I'm going through each day not caring anymore. I don't care when or what I eat, what everyone else eats, what we watch on TV, when we go to bed, or when we wake up. It's like I've lost all capacity to care about anything here.
It's different when I go to see my daughter, because it's like all the feeling comes back. I care about what we do, where we go, what toys she plays with and wants me to play with her. But then I dread coming back home, because I know that all that feeling goes away as soon as I walk in that door. And I hate that feeling. I just don't know how to tell him that so much has changed, because he doesn't see it at all, and he won't understand. I just can't see myself being with him for too much longer, unless things change dramatically...
The biggest problem is that I don't know how to tell him that, because I fear that he will over-react and take things the wrong way, the way he always does when I try to tell him how I feel. I know we need to talk about things, but it's hard to do, because we are so busy with her, his different classes he has to take, and finding a job for him, plus all the things I have to do.
That sounds like excuses, but it's not. It is fact, that we no longer have time to spend with each other because of her. Everything revolves around getting her to doctor appointments, getting her up to the bathroom, getting her up to do her physical therapy, making meals that she can eat, which have to be different than what we eat, because she can't eat spices at all.
And for some reason, it seems like it doesn't bother him at all. He still finds time to be horny, and expects me to be the same. He expects me to not be tired, not to be irritated because she feels the need to talk during shows, but is totally quiet during commercials. He expects me not to have a headache from yelling at her because she can't hear him, so I have to repeat everything he says.
I knew it was going to be a big transition, her coming to live with us, but I didn't think it was going to be this hard on me. I'm tired all the time, never feel like doing anything, haven't been sleeping right, and just in general, I feel like I'm going through each day not caring anymore. I don't care when or what I eat, what everyone else eats, what we watch on TV, when we go to bed, or when we wake up. It's like I've lost all capacity to care about anything here.
It's different when I go to see my daughter, because it's like all the feeling comes back. I care about what we do, where we go, what toys she plays with and wants me to play with her. But then I dread coming back home, because I know that all that feeling goes away as soon as I walk in that door. And I hate that feeling. I just don't know how to tell him that so much has changed, because he doesn't see it at all, and he won't understand. I just can't see myself being with him for too much longer, unless things change dramatically...
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