So I finally remembered a dream! Yay me! I don't normally remember them, I don't even know if I do dream every night. I know the experts will say everyone dreams, but I can't help thinking that I don't dream as often as everyone else.
Anyway, my dream involved someone I haven't talked to in probably 6 years but I recently found and friended them on Facebook. I will just call him BS, since I don't know him well enough to know if he cares about me putting his name out there.
He's older than me, I won't say how much, and we met at the bar (of all places) through mutual friends and my dad. My dream was of me and BS coming home from work together, making dinner together, and sleeping together. Actual sleeping, not the xxx kind.
I will admit, I used to be...let's say infatuated with him years ago. He was older, really hot, and promises were made during an alcohol-fueled man auction at the bar one night. Sadly, those promises were not kept, but things changed, I moved and we lost contact. (Not that we really saw each other outside of the bar. That sounds horrible, doesn't it?)
Well, I wish I knew what it meant. He has a girlfriend, I'm in FL, and it is said (myth or not, who knows) that when someone misses you, you dream of them. I've also heard that when you can't sleep at night, it means someone is dreaming of you. Doesn't that mean I should ask him how he slept last night? Hardly. I wouldn't want to have to explain myself and reasons for asking.
I'm sure he's happy with what's-her-face (not being bitchy, I just don't remember right now), and I refuse to be a 1,300 mile-away-home-wrecker.
Regardless of my past infatuation with him, I think I'll just keep the dream details to myself and think fondly on memories.
Who knows...maybe its just my subconscious telling me to get laid. Lol.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Annoying neighbors...
Stupid fucking people!
So this guy (one of the neighbors behind us) was nice enough to come over around 3 pm today to warn us that his son was going to have his 17th birthday party tonight, it shouldn't go too late but he wanted to warn us that they might get a little loud. The whole 'kids will be kids' thing. Nice to have notice, especially with the baby and the dogs here.
Well, about an hour ago, just when I was going to lay down to try to get some sleep before work tomorrow, I hear kids in the backyard, closer than they were previously. I thought they were from the party and just talking louder than the rest, so I listened but didn't really pay too close attention to them. Until I heard one boy laugh, say something about cops being around, and then I hear running feet on the bark chips outside my window. I hear the boys (more than 2 but idk how many for sure) saying 'jump the fence' and 'get the gate' and laughing. I went outside, mainly because I didn't know if they were in our yard or the neighbor's yard. (and apparently I don't have any sense of self-preservation. I mean, they could have been there or had weapons.)
When I opened the utility door from the garage, I smelled the pot and heard the people at the party laughing and yelling about cops being there but not being let in, so they thought they were fine. I went to Dad n G'ma and told them what I saw, smelled, and heard, and as usual, G'ma didn't want to get involved, until I told her the kids broke the fence. She went out and yelled at them to stay out of her yard.
Then Dad come out, with his new 10,000 candle-watt flashlight he bought yesterday and freaked the f*uck out of the kids. G'ma come in the call the cops to document the damage for the home owners insurance while Dad stood as a sentinel in the backyard because the little n*gger kids were threatening to kick his ass if they were on the other side of the fence.
They broke an entire section of fence in the backyard, trampled a good 20-30 pineapple plants (ripped them up out of the ground), broke out another section of fence on the other side of the house, plus the gate and half section by the garage and my room. They also trampled flower pots n probably left some weed paraphernalia back there too, but the pineapple plants make me itch, so I wasn't staying out there to look.
Such a nice guy, to come warn us that his kid is going to be a douchebag. The cop told us they had 400 kids there. 400! In a house the size of ours! (3 bedrooms, 2 baths, plus a good sized lanai with a pool, so probably a good 2,000 square feet. Same as ours, but we don't have a pool.) The cops couldn't go in, because the 17 yr olds sister said she was responsible, no one was doing anything illegal and the cops couldn't come in without a warrant. So the cops told them to shut it down and go home, as the cops stationed like 4 squads in front of the house and waited for everyone to leave. They got one guy smoking weed in his car on the street and the cop that came here was going back over to try to arrest more, because they still were partying back there, still being loud after the cop told them to shut it down. Very slow and boring day, until I finally am tired enough to lay down. Then the shit hits the fan! And I'm wide awake again. I hope they arrested every single one of those underage assholes who were smoking pot in our backyard and broke our fence. Now I have to worry about G'Ma watching the baby while I'm at work and Dad and Matt fix the fence. G'Ma is a loon on a good day, and a scatterbrain on an ok day. So we'll see what happens. Hopefully I can wind down here in a few and finally get some sleep.
So this guy (one of the neighbors behind us) was nice enough to come over around 3 pm today to warn us that his son was going to have his 17th birthday party tonight, it shouldn't go too late but he wanted to warn us that they might get a little loud. The whole 'kids will be kids' thing. Nice to have notice, especially with the baby and the dogs here.
Well, about an hour ago, just when I was going to lay down to try to get some sleep before work tomorrow, I hear kids in the backyard, closer than they were previously. I thought they were from the party and just talking louder than the rest, so I listened but didn't really pay too close attention to them. Until I heard one boy laugh, say something about cops being around, and then I hear running feet on the bark chips outside my window. I hear the boys (more than 2 but idk how many for sure) saying 'jump the fence' and 'get the gate' and laughing. I went outside, mainly because I didn't know if they were in our yard or the neighbor's yard. (and apparently I don't have any sense of self-preservation. I mean, they could have been there or had weapons.)
When I opened the utility door from the garage, I smelled the pot and heard the people at the party laughing and yelling about cops being there but not being let in, so they thought they were fine. I went to Dad n G'ma and told them what I saw, smelled, and heard, and as usual, G'ma didn't want to get involved, until I told her the kids broke the fence. She went out and yelled at them to stay out of her yard.
Then Dad come out, with his new 10,000 candle-watt flashlight he bought yesterday and freaked the f*uck out of the kids. G'ma come in the call the cops to document the damage for the home owners insurance while Dad stood as a sentinel in the backyard because the little n*gger kids were threatening to kick his ass if they were on the other side of the fence.
They broke an entire section of fence in the backyard, trampled a good 20-30 pineapple plants (ripped them up out of the ground), broke out another section of fence on the other side of the house, plus the gate and half section by the garage and my room. They also trampled flower pots n probably left some weed paraphernalia back there too, but the pineapple plants make me itch, so I wasn't staying out there to look.
Such a nice guy, to come warn us that his kid is going to be a douchebag. The cop told us they had 400 kids there. 400! In a house the size of ours! (3 bedrooms, 2 baths, plus a good sized lanai with a pool, so probably a good 2,000 square feet. Same as ours, but we don't have a pool.) The cops couldn't go in, because the 17 yr olds sister said she was responsible, no one was doing anything illegal and the cops couldn't come in without a warrant. So the cops told them to shut it down and go home, as the cops stationed like 4 squads in front of the house and waited for everyone to leave. They got one guy smoking weed in his car on the street and the cop that came here was going back over to try to arrest more, because they still were partying back there, still being loud after the cop told them to shut it down. Very slow and boring day, until I finally am tired enough to lay down. Then the shit hits the fan! And I'm wide awake again. I hope they arrested every single one of those underage assholes who were smoking pot in our backyard and broke our fence. Now I have to worry about G'Ma watching the baby while I'm at work and Dad and Matt fix the fence. G'Ma is a loon on a good day, and a scatterbrain on an ok day. So we'll see what happens. Hopefully I can wind down here in a few and finally get some sleep.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Don't pin that shit on me
I hate when my older brother takes money from my dad's money clip, doesn't ask Dad first, then blames me for taking it when Dad asks him about it. I have no reason to steal money from Dad. Honestly, if I ask for it and give a good reason for it (diapers, wipes, shampoo, etc.), Dad says yes, so why just take it? He's been the one to take money repeatedly, then pay it back when he gets paid, so why try to pin it on me? Man the hell up and say "yea, ya know, paying back all my student loans and other bills left me short this week. Can I borrow a 20 til Thursday?" He gets paid every Thursday, so why not just ask? Or budget yourself better. Don't go out for fast food every single day, sometimes twice, and then bitch about not having any money! I may not be the best when it comes to budgeting my money, but I don't buy a $250 flat screen when I a) have a perfectly good tv at home and b) don't have the money to spare due to other responsibilities/bills. Don't act holier than thou to me just because I choose to have my kids instead of browbeating my girlfriends into having abortions like you did 3 times (that I know of). So piss off. Don't make me the bad guy when you still battle a drug and alcohol addiction
Friday, February 7, 2014
Redneck Wine Tasting
Since I've never had wine before, I decided to get a bottle of a sweet white and a bottle of sweet red, to see which one I liked. Put them in the fridge and promptly forgot they were there. Finally, after about a week, I opened them tonight. Really like the white, not so fond of the red. But maybe it will taste better with a meal instead of just me reading a book after the little one is in bed.
I post these from the internet browser on my cell, since I have choose to stay close to the little one, instead of having Big D or Double G take care of her if she wakes while I'm busy on the laptop rooms away.
Anyway, I decided to go really cheap (why spend $$$$ on a wine I might hate when I can spend $ and figure it out?) So I stopped by the upscale Aldi's and grabbed the bottles. The 'sweet' red really wasn't all that sweet and tasted kind of like what I imagine licking the bottom of a golf shoe might taste like. The sweet white, however, is much better. Sweet, fruity, and not at all dirty.
In the future, I'll probably use the red as a cooking wine or marinade for red meat, instead of a relaxing glass or two in the evening. The sweet white...well, let's just say I will be redneck and grab another bottle this weekend. And make plans to keep it on hand.
I used to drink beer when I went out, sometimes even mixed drinks. Drank a lot of shots too, got into trouble drinking too much. But I'm almost 30. I figure it is time to hang up the beer goggles, so to speak, and grow up. (that statement applies to way more than just drinking in my life, just so you know.)
Now I know which one I like better and how relaxing it really is to sit in a quiet room with a glass of wine and a good book after the little one is down for the night.
I post these from the internet browser on my cell, since I have choose to stay close to the little one, instead of having Big D or Double G take care of her if she wakes while I'm busy on the laptop rooms away.
Anyway, I decided to go really cheap (why spend $$$$ on a wine I might hate when I can spend $ and figure it out?) So I stopped by the upscale Aldi's and grabbed the bottles. The 'sweet' red really wasn't all that sweet and tasted kind of like what I imagine licking the bottom of a golf shoe might taste like. The sweet white, however, is much better. Sweet, fruity, and not at all dirty.
In the future, I'll probably use the red as a cooking wine or marinade for red meat, instead of a relaxing glass or two in the evening. The sweet white...well, let's just say I will be redneck and grab another bottle this weekend. And make plans to keep it on hand.
I used to drink beer when I went out, sometimes even mixed drinks. Drank a lot of shots too, got into trouble drinking too much. But I'm almost 30. I figure it is time to hang up the beer goggles, so to speak, and grow up. (that statement applies to way more than just drinking in my life, just so you know.)
Now I know which one I like better and how relaxing it really is to sit in a quiet room with a glass of wine and a good book after the little one is down for the night.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
A milestone that never should have been...
So tonight, my sweet daughter is going to bed for the first time without a pacifier. I never wanted her to have it, but someone I lived with decided, when I wasn't home, that she needed one. I hate those damn useless annoying face plugs!
But since my sweetie decided to launch not one but both of her pacifiers into the Manatee River this morning while we walked on the RiverWalk with Dad and the dogs, I refuse to buy more.
I firmly believe that pacifiers stunt a child's ability to learn to talk, as well as deforms their mandible and teeth, making braces a higher possibility later in life than a child who does not use a pacifier.
That being said, my daughter had her 15 month check up last week, and everything is golden. Her height and weight are great, she's walking wonderfully, and she's finally growing hair! Lol. She's been a cueball for so long, it is strange to see her with hair. It's almost long enough to put into a Pebbles-esque pony tail atop her head; I just have to teach her to leave it alone.
With everything that has gone sideways and backwards, everything that I've done wrong and the people I've hurt, it feels kinda nice to know that small things are starting to fall into place, which means the big things are more likely to follow. I can't wait until I am finally able to right some of the wrongs I've done.
But since my sweetie decided to launch not one but both of her pacifiers into the Manatee River this morning while we walked on the RiverWalk with Dad and the dogs, I refuse to buy more.
I firmly believe that pacifiers stunt a child's ability to learn to talk, as well as deforms their mandible and teeth, making braces a higher possibility later in life than a child who does not use a pacifier.
That being said, my daughter had her 15 month check up last week, and everything is golden. Her height and weight are great, she's walking wonderfully, and she's finally growing hair! Lol. She's been a cueball for so long, it is strange to see her with hair. It's almost long enough to put into a Pebbles-esque pony tail atop her head; I just have to teach her to leave it alone.
With everything that has gone sideways and backwards, everything that I've done wrong and the people I've hurt, it feels kinda nice to know that small things are starting to fall into place, which means the big things are more likely to follow. I can't wait until I am finally able to right some of the wrongs I've done.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
So ready to give up...
I'm ready to just give up. I can't see my oldest daughter, since I got screwed over and stabbed in the back by someone who I thought was a good friend, and had for almost 13 years. I was starting the process to get visitation back in Fall 2011, after my second child was born, and right before I was served with the papers to appear in court to discuss visitation, my "friend" kicked me out. And to this day, I still have not gotten a straight answer about why she kicked me out. All she has said is that is was my fault, I treated her and her family like crap. But she refuses to give any examples of what specifically I did to piss her off. So I can only imagine the reasons, which means I'm probably wrong. But thank you so much for screwing me over.
Oh, and now I find out that she is great friends with my first daughter's father and his wife. Probably putting thoughts into his head about how I'm so horrible and I shouldn't be allowed around my kid. Worst part of all is that I did nothing wrong. NOTHING. I did nothing to deserve being treated like this.
But it all started with my mother. When she told me she was paying or helping to pay for his lawyer in family court, I knew I was screwed seven ways to Sunday. I knew that everything was falling apart. I knew that people who said they loved me, who said they wouldn't treat me like I was the bane of the earth, would. And they did. It took some longer than others, but the only person who has ever said they wouldn't screw me over, and actually stood by their word, was my dad. And I treated him the worst of everyone!
jsh
So explain this to me. I treat people as nicely as I can stomach, while getting nothing in return, except knives in my back and lies spread. But when I try to call someone on their lies or I attempt to tale the high road and ignore the treatment I receive, I'm the one who is wrong. I'm the one who shouldn't be around my daughter. I'm the one who gets chastised for trying to live my life and falling in love with someone (even if I was blind to his actions and wasn't really in love) and having his baby, then dealing with him going to jail and prison and the prospect of raising my second child alone.
Yes, I have made mistakes. I fully admit that. But why should I be thought of as a bad mother to one child, simply because I chose to have another child with someone else? I cannot sit around every day and wallow in the misery of losing a child to lies, deceit, and selfishness.
Don't get me wrong. I have tried to contact my daughter. But when her father refuses to return my calls, and has refused since Christmas 2010 even though the courts never said anything about me not being able to call her, just outlined visitation times, it makes it so much harder to try to stay in contact.
Letters I sent to every address I had for her father were never returned and never responded to. Not my fault. Does make me a bad mother.
Every phone call, phone message, text message, and Facebook message to him and his wife were never returned. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.
I got screwed out of a stable place to live less than a month after I filed paperwork to start visitation again and had to moved 50 miles away from the city court was in, and had no ride or money for a cab or a babysitter for the day of court. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.
What started everything was that I chose a guy over my daughter. I know, I was wrong. I was immature and thought nothing would happen, no consequences. That easy fault but still doesn't make me a bad mother. My daughter was never in any danger, despite what people involved may think. She was never alone, never hurt, never in danger. In fact, she's in more danger now, being told her mother doesn't want her, than she ever was with me.
I'm not even sure why I'm putting all this out on the internet. It won't make a difference. Even if I could file for a court date, I have to be in WI to do it, and for court or mediation or whatever the court wants, and I am living 1300 miles away. I can't physically be in court, because I don't have the money for plane tickets and hotel rooms and food, nor do I have anyone who can loan me the money. I love with my grandma, and there are 4 adults and my 16 month old daughter in the house. Only one adult is working; I can't until I get a FL ID or drivers license and I can't do that until I get my birth certificate, which could take up to another month to arrive. So we are all "surviving" on my grandmother's Social Security income, which is enough for bills and food - the essentials - but not much more. So flying back and forth to WI isn't in the cards at the moment.
But why can't I talk to my daughter on the phone? Why have you kept her from writing to me? Or writing to grandpa? I don't even need a letter from her, she can write to grandpa and I will stay out of it. I just want to know she is alive and happy and well.
Is that really too much to ask?
Oh, and now I find out that she is great friends with my first daughter's father and his wife. Probably putting thoughts into his head about how I'm so horrible and I shouldn't be allowed around my kid. Worst part of all is that I did nothing wrong. NOTHING. I did nothing to deserve being treated like this.
But it all started with my mother. When she told me she was paying or helping to pay for his lawyer in family court, I knew I was screwed seven ways to Sunday. I knew that everything was falling apart. I knew that people who said they loved me, who said they wouldn't treat me like I was the bane of the earth, would. And they did. It took some longer than others, but the only person who has ever said they wouldn't screw me over, and actually stood by their word, was my dad. And I treated him the worst of everyone!
jsh
So explain this to me. I treat people as nicely as I can stomach, while getting nothing in return, except knives in my back and lies spread. But when I try to call someone on their lies or I attempt to tale the high road and ignore the treatment I receive, I'm the one who is wrong. I'm the one who shouldn't be around my daughter. I'm the one who gets chastised for trying to live my life and falling in love with someone (even if I was blind to his actions and wasn't really in love) and having his baby, then dealing with him going to jail and prison and the prospect of raising my second child alone.
Yes, I have made mistakes. I fully admit that. But why should I be thought of as a bad mother to one child, simply because I chose to have another child with someone else? I cannot sit around every day and wallow in the misery of losing a child to lies, deceit, and selfishness.
Don't get me wrong. I have tried to contact my daughter. But when her father refuses to return my calls, and has refused since Christmas 2010 even though the courts never said anything about me not being able to call her, just outlined visitation times, it makes it so much harder to try to stay in contact.
Letters I sent to every address I had for her father were never returned and never responded to. Not my fault. Does make me a bad mother.
Every phone call, phone message, text message, and Facebook message to him and his wife were never returned. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.
I got screwed out of a stable place to live less than a month after I filed paperwork to start visitation again and had to moved 50 miles away from the city court was in, and had no ride or money for a cab or a babysitter for the day of court. Not my fault. Doesn't make me a bad mother.
What started everything was that I chose a guy over my daughter. I know, I was wrong. I was immature and thought nothing would happen, no consequences. That easy fault but still doesn't make me a bad mother. My daughter was never in any danger, despite what people involved may think. She was never alone, never hurt, never in danger. In fact, she's in more danger now, being told her mother doesn't want her, than she ever was with me.
I'm not even sure why I'm putting all this out on the internet. It won't make a difference. Even if I could file for a court date, I have to be in WI to do it, and for court or mediation or whatever the court wants, and I am living 1300 miles away. I can't physically be in court, because I don't have the money for plane tickets and hotel rooms and food, nor do I have anyone who can loan me the money. I love with my grandma, and there are 4 adults and my 16 month old daughter in the house. Only one adult is working; I can't until I get a FL ID or drivers license and I can't do that until I get my birth certificate, which could take up to another month to arrive. So we are all "surviving" on my grandmother's Social Security income, which is enough for bills and food - the essentials - but not much more. So flying back and forth to WI isn't in the cards at the moment.
But why can't I talk to my daughter on the phone? Why have you kept her from writing to me? Or writing to grandpa? I don't even need a letter from her, she can write to grandpa and I will stay out of it. I just want to know she is alive and happy and well.
Is that really too much to ask?
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