Thoughts in my head on New Year's Eve

It's hard to believe that the year is almost over...Hell, that the DECADE is almost over. So much has happened over this past year that it almost seems surreal that it is almost over. We made history in electing a black President. We lost an important icon in the music industry. 


Personally, I have recently lost someone who, while he wasn't really a close friend, more of an acquaintance, was still someone who touched my life. And I would never wish for anyone, even for my worst enemy, to go through losing a child for any reason. 

There is so much violence and pain in the world and yet so many of us take so many things for granted and treat others like crap, unless it benefits ourselves. There are commercials at all hours of the day and night that beseech us to send money to children in Africa and other Third World countries to feed them, clothe them, give them a place to sleep, yet you never once see commercials about all the children that need help here in the United States. The U.S. is supposed to be the best country to live in. For hundreds of years, people have left their home countries and traveled the dangerous waters of the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans just to come to the U.S. and say, "I'm here in the greatest country in the world, known for it's freedoms, it's acceptance of people who are different" and these people are happy to be here, even if the residents of the U.S. can do nothing more than shoot each other, sell harmful, illegal drugs to each other, say and do harmful things to each other, and treat immigrants, regardless of the person's country of origin, like that person is less than human, like that person doesn't belong here. 


I know most of you have probably heard the expression "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Well, that's not true at all. Words are just one of the most harmful things that humans can do to each other, that is not able to be erased. Once the words are spoken, written, or even thought, the words cannot be taken back. And yet, people still seem to go out of their way to speak words to others, whether out of anger, pain, or spite, that can cause more damage than anyone could ever know. 


I'm not sure why I am thinking all of these things on New Year's Eve, but these things have filled my head all day and there are some very valid points involved. Why is it ok to treat someone from a foreign country like he/she is less than human, yet people are so willing to have the U.S. government pull all of our troops out of Iraq and allow a new, possibly worse than before government take over? People in the U.S. are fine with wanting the President to pull troops out of Iraq and the Middle East, yet do they not understand that this course of action was put into play in Desert Storm and look where we ended up 10 years after the fact...right back where we were, because we didn't stay to finish the job. Because the 'bleeding hearts' of America somehow convinced the government to pull our troops from the area. This allowed the Al-Queda to take power and in 10 years, we were right back where we started, fighting the same war that, contrary to U.S. citizen belief, has never ended. 


Sitting here writing this, I begin to think of all the people that I've lost, whether to death or just that person simply walking out of my life as easily as he/she walked in. I have no regrets in life, but there are things that I think about from time to time that make me wonder what the hell is wrong with the world? In 2008, Canada had 11 crimes, during the entire year, that involved guns or violent weapons. In that same year in the United States, there were 11,000. The count in the U.S. does not include domestic violence, school shootings, or anything of that sort, as these crimes are tracked alone. The U.S. newspapers and internet sites and television shows broadcast reports of the violent crimes involving firearms. Canada does not. There is not even a small blurb about a gun crime buried in the middle of the newspaper or internet site. Yet the American public continues to wonder what the country is coming to, what the government is going to do about all the gun crimes, what other countries may think of us. Yet no one, not one of us, has ever stood up and said, 'I'm not going to stand for this. I'm going to find a way to do something about this. I don't want to live in a country where the government, which has enough worries of its own, has to take care of something that the citizens can fix, if only everyone would work together.' 


We want our government to step in and take over the schools that educate our children because we do not feel that the people in charge of educating our children are doing the proper job. Yet not one of us ever steps up and says 'Here's an idea on how to make this better.' We just want the government to come and step in and magickilly take care of every little thing that we don't like. When our children act out in school, we want our government to provide a program to 'fix' our children. What ever happened to parents being held responsible for his/her child's actions? If a child brings a gun to school that belongs to his/her parents, arrest the parents for having the gun within reach of the child. If a child is arrested for being part of a gang that committed a crime, arrest the parents of that child that did not pay enough attention to the child to make sure the child was going to school, was not getting into trouble. When we learn that our child has a learning disability, don't expect the school to provide a special classroom for the child to learn in. Work with the child at home instead of plopping the child in front of the television for hours on end, from the time school lets out until the child goes to bed. Whatever happened to parents wanting to be a part of their child's life, to make sure that the child does the best that he/she can do, learns what is taught in school and taught at home? 


I know it probably sounds like I'm repeating myself, but I just don't understand people. They complain that the government hasn't done this or that, yet they don't try to find a way to try to change it themselves. If you don't like the government, move out of the country. Move to Afghanistan and see how you like it there. Move to Cuba and see how you like it there. Because if you aren't going to do something to help yourself, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. 

For whatever reason, I can't seem to get through to him. His family tells me that they can tell that he loves me, that he doesn't want to lose me, yet he can't seem to fathom showing me how me feels? How is it that everyone else can see it, yet he can't show it to me? Is there something wrong with me? I love him and I want to be with him, I want to marry him, but with the way things are going, I feel like I'm wasting my time. No one deserves to be treated like this, but I have no where to go. I wish I did, because being told that I'm a bitch, a whore, a cunt, a worthless piece of shit who doesn't know anything and can't understand anything is not a place where I want to be. And yet he doesn't understand that. 

He has told me that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and that he says those things when he's pissed simply because he's trying to hurt me, not because he believes them to be true. Well, I'm sorry but I can't be with someone who tries to hurt me with words. You can't take those back, no matter how hard you try. Once you ring that bell, it cannot be un-rung.

You know, I feel like such a fool, staying here with him when I know that I'm not wanted. If I had somewhere to go, I would have left a long time ago. For all the 'friends' that I have on Facebook and MySpace and Yahoo, there is not one of them that would be able or willing to take me on as a roommate. I know my sister would, but she's four hours away and I have no car to come down to see my daughter. Whatever did I do to become so screwed in life? 

Am I really supposed to be treated this way, was I destined to be miserable with someone that hates me for the rest of my life? Am I supposed to be treated so my thirst for knowledge is a bad thing, that my love of sports is 'too much like a man', that I am less than a woman because I can do most of the things that a man can do? Am I supposed to play the 'damsel in distress' in order to 'find' a man that will love me for me, not try to change me, not treat me like I am worthless, tell me that I am beautiful at random times, not just when he wants to have sex. I don't even know what it's like to have someone like that or what it's like to 'make love', instead of just the act of sex. 

I have no idea what I need or what I want or why I am still here or even if I should leave or try to ride things out and hope things get better. I want to be with him, more than I have ever wanted to be with someone. But do I really want to be with someone that treats me like a piece of property that needs to be controlled? Do I really want to be with him, or am I here because I needed to get out of Dad's? Do I love him for who he is, or for who I want him to be? I know that people never change unless they want to change, and that they cannot be forced into changing, but I just can't see why he does not see what he is doing to me.

He is pushing me away and I have no idea to get back to him. I feel like he has pushed me away so far that he will never be able to get me back, not like it was when we first met. I don't even know if I can trust him, not after all the horrible things that he has said to me, the names he has called me, all the times he has apologized for what he has done, yet continues to do. I have no idea what I am supposed to do. He keeps breaking up with me, telling me that he has never wanted me, never loved me, yet the next day or a few hours later, he acts like everything is fine and we are back together. I hate when he does that. I have a personal rule: When I break up with someone or they break up with me, I do not get back with them. I did that with Jake and all that got me was more pain. Yet I find myself doing the same thing with him, simply because I have no where to go and no one to come 'rescue' me from my situation. 

I want to be with him, but I cannot think of legitimate reasons why I want to be with him, why I love him. All I get from him is more and more heartache and pain. Like I said before many times, have the Gods and Goddesses decided that I did something horrible, despicable in a past life that forced them to decide to punish me in this life? Or am I really just not able to be in a relationship with anyone that will treat me right? Is there something in me that just causes me not to be able to get along with a man longer than a few months? Do I really have that abrasive of a personality that no one can stand to be with me longer than that, that every man sees me as 'one of the guys' or just a one-night stand? What did I do to deserve to be treated this way? 

All I want is to have someone love me for me, and enjoy the simple, little things in life. I don't need the material things, going out to dinner all the time, the man spending money on me, in order for me to feel loved and wanted. Maybe I am just trying to live in a make-believe world, that a man like that does not actually exist except in romance novels and cheap magazines that housewives read while eating bon-bons. Maybe I am asking for too much from a man, asking for more than men are able and/or willing to give. Or maybe I really am destined to be either miserable alone or miserable with someone that hates me. 

But now that I have complained, yet again, about him and I know that nothing will change, I will end this and go to bed, as it is 3AM here.

Just a few thoughts on my life...

Sadly, there are only a few people that have stood with me through it all, the good times and the bad. Those of you who have stood by me know exactly who you are. To all the others, this one's for you. 

Fuck you and the fucking horse you rode in on! I'm done trying to pacify you because all it does is make my life a total, living hell.

So, now that I have taken that moment to get my thoughts out on the perverbial table, I would like to explain why I feel this way. I have been through abuse in my childhood that hardly anyone knows about because it is still too fucking hard for me to relive. I have been through boyfriends that have tried, and succeeded, to beat me down in any way possible. I have been through a teen pregnancy, where most of my friends decided that I was no longer "acceptable" as a viable part of their "circle". I have been through my mother trying to make herself feel better by making me feel useless and unimportant. I have been through people ~ family, friends, and otherwise ~ telling me that I am a horrible mother because I didn't "do what they would have done".  I have been through boyfriends that cheated and lied and wanted more than I was willing to give. I have been through hell and back, and yet here I am, still surviving, still thriving, no matter what you people try to do to keep me down. I will rise above.

I am sick and fucking tired of people telling me that I "shouldn't feel the way" I do, because these people have no idea what the hell I've been through, what I've done and how long I have struggled to get where I am today, no thanks to you mother-fuckers that tried everything in your power to keep me down. I have done things that are not "mainstream" in today's culture, but I don't give a flying you-know-what. I am the furthest thing from "mainstream". Whoever decided on what is "normal", "mainstream", or "acceptable" sure didn't understand that no one is the same as everyone else. To put it in the words of Gretchen Wilson, I am politically un-correct. And I'm damn proud of that fact. I am so sick of people telling me that I can't make comments about black or mexican people, because it isn't "politically correct". Well, I don't care. Blacks can call white people "cracker", so why can't we call them "niggers"? Why can't I make comments about blacks and spics being on welfare because they can't keep their legs closed long enough to actually hold down a job (I know, it's never gonna happen) to pay for the kids they already have? Why do I have to cow-tow to what someone else deems as being "the correct way to refer to different races"? 

I'm not a racist person. Ask anyone that knows me well. I just call things how I see them, and that gets on people's nerves. I'm not going to sugar-coat things, just to make other people comfortable. Not after all that I have been through. I have always been a smartass, been someone that does not deal well with drama, bullshit, lies, fake people, and people who try to pacify others. Life is too damn short to spend it trying to make others happy, while leaving yourself for last. I have put too many people above me, and I'm done with it. From now on, I'm going to do what benefits me, what is good for me, what I want to do, regardless of what other people think about me. I'm done trying to make everyone else happy, while I lie in bed at night crying myself to sleep because my true self, my true personality has been kept locked up for so long. 

There was a time, a long time, when I kept my true self, my true personality to myself and didn't let anyone see me for who I really am. But I am done with that now. I can no longer let people push me around, walk all over me for their benefit, while I sit here, wondering why the hell I didn't speak up. 

So to all the people that have stood by me, helping me with whatever they can, even just a shoulder to cry on or an ear to talk off, thank you. You will never know how thankful I am that you were there.  Even the little things, the seemingly insignificant things, that you may not have even been aware that you were doing to help me, believe me, I would not be here if it were not for you. There have been so many times when I thought about taking my own life, but you have helped me through the hard times, the bad times when I felt like saying "fuck the world, I'm outta here!" I truly hope that you all believe me when I say that you have helped me in more ways than you will probably ever know and for that, I am forever grateful. I would not be who I am today without you.     

I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away....

I wish that there was some way to make things better. The closer the important date gets, the more and more anxious and jittery I feel. I can't seem to forget thinking about it, just like in the beginning. I almost feel like I'm pushing him away because I'm so terrified about what is going to happen in a few weeks, even though I try as hard as I can not to. I'm so scared of losing him, of having to re-live earlier dates when all the "information" was being recorded, of trying to keep my cool long enough to actually be able to help him through all this, because I know that he can't go through all this alone. It's just too much. 

I wish I had someone that could come here and stay with both of us, in case one of us isn't able to keep the other from losing our heads. I can't trust anyone in my family to be able to do it, because I know that all they will do is try to get me to leave, and I can't do that. And I don't think any of my close friends that know about what is going on are willing to drop their lives to come here for however many days this how thing will take.I don't know. I just feel so alone most of the time, knowing that I can't talk to him about it because he's thinking about it too much as it is, and I can't talk to my family about it because they just think whatever they want to think, regardless of what really happened or who he really is. 

I feel like I'm in a bad novel. Like I'm the main female character who is facing a huge event in her life with no one to talk to. I just want all of this to be over so we can go on making a life for ourselves and our family. I want my daughter back. I want his son back here with us where he belongs. I want people to stop making assumptions about someone they don't even know. But most of all, I want our life back. It has been almost a year since all of this started and I just want it to end. I'm tired of dealing with all of it. Especially since today I got a lovely subpoena from the other side, telling me that they need me in court on a certain day. There's no way in hell that I am going to be there for the other side. They can try to get me to do it, they can threaten me with jail time, fines, anything they want, but it's not going to happen. They are morons to even try. 

I feel myself drifting further and further away from him but I can't seem to stop it. As the day gets closer and closer, it's always on my mind. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about it. I can't get my work done because I get distracted by some small thing that reminds me of it. 

I just get the feeling like this is never going to end, that it will get postponed like it did however many times before. I have this feeling like the other side wants me there for them because they want to try to use my words against me. They just haven't taken into account how smart I really am, how well I am able to catch when someone asks me the same question using a different wording. I want to send them a letter, telling them that they are morons and that there is no way in hell that I'd ever do what they wanted, and if it wasn't for the fact that I know damn well nothing happened, I wouldn't even be here. I know a lot of females stay by their man when something happens, but I'm not that way. If you do something wrong, then I'm gone. I don't want to be associated with anything involved with it. But I know for a fact that nothing happened, and I'm going to be there when the decision comes down and makes the other two people involved look like the damn fools they are. 

I can't even begin to think of what would happen if (and this is a BIG if) things don't go the way we think/hope/wish/almost know with certainty. I can't. I want to....have to....stay positive, because if I start to think negative, I am afraid it will have an affect on the outcome and I know it would have an affect on him. And he doesn't need me making him any more nervous than he already is. We both just want all this crap over so we can move on. We want the truth to come out so everyone knows that the two other people were wrong, so that everything will be over, so we can move on. That's all we want...for the truth to come out so we can move on and start forgetting about all this that has happened over the last year.    

Just a few thoughts on love....

Like and unlike many, I have experienced what it is like to fall and stay in love. True, I have felt the sting of love scorned and affection derailed. However, to feel love....actual and whole-hearted love....is something that I can only wish everyone could feel at least once in their life. Not so much to give equilibrium to an emotional, out-of-control world, often blinded and fooled by belly-button rings, tribal band tattoos, and misinformed youth, but rather to educate the world on how valuable a treasure of someone's love really is. 

Love can be translated into thousands of different languages and likewise can be defined differently by almost everyone. From the gold diggers to the hopeless (or angry) romantics, we all have our own personal way of placing value on the words "I love you". Different ways to earn it and what it costs someone to gain it. Saying that, I can't speak on behalf of the entire world, but I can speak for myself and my sisters still waiting for that Knight in Shining Armor, Mr. Right, whatever we dream of when we think of that special someone.

When I say to someone "I love you", it is not limited to that single moment. What it really means is that I wake up in the morning and can't get you out of my mind. When I'm at the store, I'm looking at everything from the cookies you like, to the vegetables you hate. It means that I've taken the time to memorize your shirt and pant sizes, utilize your friends to pull off big surprises, and would drive or fly miles just to see you for a few moments. It means that I'll hold your hand on top of the dinner table, but play footsie with you underneath it. It means that I'll cry with you when you cry, laugh with you when you laugh, hug you and kiss you without fail....every single change I get. 

How I define love is based on personal experiences and observations on what exactly love is NOT. Love takes time, attention, loyalty, and cooperation. It means that I respect the one that I love and would do whatever it took to give them the best life one could have. To me....my love is my future. He is my soul mate, my best friend, and loyal confidant. Far too many times, women demand respect from their "loved" one when they are really demanding submission. They expect their boyfriend to be at certain places, call at certain times, talk to certain people and shun others. I take, for example, a young girl whom I used to work with. A young and beautiful thing, trapped in an immature relationship, that breeds nothing but more immaturity. Graduating from college soon, with aspirations of gaining a PhD someday, she is shackled to a boyfriend that refuses her the allowance of time, leisure, or friendship, outside of his pre-set social circle. Yet time and time again, she fore-goes spending time with her friends whenever her authoritarian boyfriend chimes in and demands her company. Now, before I deal with an onslaught of comments attempting to enlighten me to the fact that perhaps THAT type of relationship is what they are both looking for, I will fortify my case.

Love is a democracy....not a dictatorship. Love is the co-existence of two people that do everything in their power to work, eat, think, and live for each other. They attempt to devote a passion to one another that is unmatched by many, but noticed by everyone. When I am with the one I love, I want to walk into a mall and have walkers-by wonder what we have that they don't. I want my love to shine like the top of the Chrysler building on a clear Spring day. 

Ladies and gentlemen, love is an incredible thing. It has caused wars and prevented them. It has created life and ended it. It has helped people rise, as well as caused them to fall. It can be the single most precious thing we ever gain, and at the same time, cripple us at our weakest moments. It is NOT something we should just give away to someone we can "have a good time with". But should be saved for someone we can live and die with. 

That's what I mean when I say....I love you.

Why?

Why? Why do I put myself through this all the time? Why can't I seem to find someone that actually loves me for me and doesn't try to play with my emotions and change the things that I say around to make him look good and me look like the bitch? Why is it that every time I've ever loved someone, I've been hurt, my heart dragged through the mud repeatedly, only to find myself right back here with him? Do I really like the punishment? Do I deserve all of this stress and unhappiness and pain? Why do I always fall for the men that are so totally wrong for me? Why is it that everyone else can see that he is so wrong for me, yet I'm still here? 

Is there something wrong with me, that causes "normal" guys to become totally different after they start dating me? Am I really that much of a bitch to be around, that I make everyone miserable, like some are so ready to proclaim? Am I really destined to be alone, with only my thoughts and wishes and prayers to keep me company? Am I truly the reason that people can't stand to be around me any longer than they absolutely feel they have to be? Do I really have so much knowledge in my head, book knowledge, that I have forgotten my interpersonal skills and can't communicate with regular people? Or is the reason that I can't communicate the fact that I' too stupid to figure it out? 

Maybe that's why my mother hates me. Maybe that's why my daughter is being taken from me. Maybe that's why no man can "stand" to be with me. Maybe that's why so many people tell me that I'm stupid, that I make him miserable, that I need to change everything about me in order for people to like me. Maybe I really am destined to be alone, never marry, lead a solitary depressing life. 

I have heard so many people tell me that I'm beautiful, that I can have any guy that I want, that I will go far in life because I am so smart, yet I can't seem to get anywhere. People see me as being so smart, yet I can't even communicate with my fiancee without it starting a fight. Sure, I get A's in all my classes (so far) for my Bachelor's degree, yet I can't seem to find a job, be attracted, or be seen as attractive, to a man that doesn't want to use and abuse me, can't seem to feel like I'm actually doing something with my life, other than fucking up everything I try to do. 

I try as hard as I can to be a good mother, be the mother to my daughter that my mother never was to me, yet my daughter's father is trying to convince everyone and anyone who will listen that I'm a danger to her, that I'm a bad mother. No matter what I try to do in life, it comes back to bite me on the butt. Even if I try to do nothing in a situation, it still backfires in my face. Try as I might, nothing goes the way it is supposed to. Or maybe it does. Maybe the Gods and Goddesses have planned this for me, planned this lonely, depressing life for me to live. I can't see any other reason why I would be caused this much pain and stress and confusion if it was not planned for me. 

But if it is planned for me, what am I supposed to learn from this? How can I be a productive member of society when I can't even keep my personal life straight? How can I apply the knowledge that I have, in so many different subjects, when I can't apply it to my personal life and actually make the right choices?Why does it seem that, no matter what "type" of guy I date, they always end up telling me that they are miserable with me, that they don't want to be with me, that they can do so much better? Why can't I just find someone who truly loves me for me, not for the person that he wants me to be? 

Above all, why can't I just live a happy, fulfilled life with someone who loves me? Why does it always come down to me crying myself to sleep on the couch, while he sleeps in the bed downstairs, acting like the fight was all my fault, that I'm the one that pushed him away and made him miserable?  Why do I always end up crying myself to sleep, writing a blog that only two people ever see or read, knowing that tomorrow he will wake up and either start the fight back up again or act like everything is fine? How is he able to act like everything is fine when I'm hurting? If I act like something is bothering me, he says that I "need to learn to let go of the past and focus on your relationship now", yet how can I do that when the things that were said (screamed) the night before were so hurtful and cut me so deep? How can I focus on my relationship now, when he ended it tonight? He ended it, yet he says it was my decision to end it. I don't understand why I have all this pain in my life. All I want to do is be happy and have a happy and healthy relationship, yet there are so many barriers that I have no idea how to jump over or dig under to get past.

I guess this is what I get for whatever it is that the Gods and Goddesses believe that I have done wrong. Maybe I do deserve to be alone and lonely and in pain. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy, to have someone that loves me for me. Maybe I'm destined to be alone, to be smart and beautiful, yet no man will want me. Maybe that's what I'm destined for and I just have to accept it.....

I am Wiccan

I am Wiccan.

I do NOT worship satan, the devil, or lucifer...These are Judeo-Christian inventions, and they can keep them. 

A Wiccan believes that all of nature itself is divine. And all the tines in nature (including people) are part of the divine. 

We do not seek recruits or force out views on anyone. 

We do not cast evil spells, preform black magick, or eat babies. 

Our law is to HARM NONE!

We are healers and Shamans. 

Magick is not what you see on TV or in Harry Potter movies. It is a change in yourself that allows you to change the world around you. 

The Pentacle is a magickal symbol that we utilize. It is not evil. You can see Pentacles on a lot of Catholic cathedrals, as well as in many other religions. 

Pagan means any religion which is non-Abrahamistic. Calling a Wiccan a satanist is like calling a Baptist a Lutheran...It just shows your ignorance.

Thank you for your time and Blessed Be.....

Favorite Sayings....And Where They Came From, If I Can Remember

"The funniest thing here is in your pants!" ~ My Best Friend's Girl

"The best thing to come out of you is me!" ~ My Best Friend's Girl

"You've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything" ~ Aaron Tipon, I think

 MENtal Anxiety, MENtal Breakdown, MENstrual Cramps, MENopause....did you ever notice that all of our problems begin with MEN?

Never say sorry for what you feel....cause it's like apologizing for being real.

Broom Riders Take Note: Spit With the Wind, Not Against It!

When Religion ruled the world, they called it the Dark Ages.

I am STRONG because I am weak

I am BEAUTIFUL because I know my flaws

I am a LOVER because I'm a fighter

I am FEARLESS because I have been afraid

I am WISE because I have been foolish

and I can LAUGH because I've known sadness

Judge me, and I'll prove you wrong.

Tel me what to do, and I'll tell you off.

Say I'm not worth it, & watch where I end up.

Call me a bitch & I'll show you one.

Fuck me over, and I'll do it to you twice as bad.

Call me crazy, but you really have no idea! =)

The worst thing about being lied to, is knowing that you weren't worth the truth.

 Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "Holy Shit...What a Ride!"

Love me without fear

Trust me without wondering

Love me without restrictions

Want me without demand

Accept me for how I am

and if you give US a chance,

I'm going to live the rest of my life

Proving to you

you make the right decision.

God have mercy on them, WE WILL NOT! 

Remember September 11, 2001

There are moments in your life

that make you and sets the course

of who you're going to be.

Sometimes they're little, subtle moments.

Sometimes, they're big moments you never saw coming.

No one asks for their life to change, but it does.

It's what you do afterwards that counts.

That's when you find out who you are.

Being a Mother means knowing that regardless of whatever else you did or didn't do, you gave the world something beautiful.

I can't promise to solve all your problems, but what I can promise, is that I'll never let you face them alone.....

Never be afraid to Dream...Live...Love...and Laugh.....Be Afraid Not To!

Yes, you have the right to your opinion. And I have the right to think you're stupid.

Keep your head up high gorgeous. People would kill to see you fail.

There's a point where you just get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything.

It's not giving up; it's realizing that you don't need certain people, the bullshit, and the drama they bring.

"Well, that certainly illustrates the diversity of the word." ~ Boondock Saints I

Stand up for what YOU believe in, no matter is it's right or wrong to SOMEONE ELSE!

Be strong now

Because things will get better.

It might be stormy now

But it can't rain forever.

STRESS: the confusion created when ones mind over-rides the body's desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it!

The tattoo is the Mark of the Soul.

It can act as a window, through which we can see inside.

It can be a shield, to protect us from those who cannot see past the surface!

If you don't stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in from of them!

One Day, someone will walk into your life, and make you see why is never worked out with anyone else.

When I shut my mouth and turn to walk away, that doesn't mean that you've won. It simply means your stupid ass isn't worth any more of my time.

If you see me walked beside someone else, it's because you weren't brave enough to walk beside me. And...if I fall in love with someone else, it's because you weren't strong enough to catch me.

I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me and I've accepted way less than what I deserve. But, I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things that I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I know better next time, and won't settle for anything less than what I deserve.

Beauty is not in the face. Beauty is a light in the heart.

Not all scars show. Not all wounds heal.

Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels.

Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius. And it's better to be absolutely ridiculous rather than absolutely boring.

Can't be good enough, Can't seem to win

There are so many times when I have just wanted to say "screw it" and leave, but there have also been the good times, when I felt more love for him than I ever thought possible. But what happened last night was inexcusable. He got physical, broke the screen for my laptop that I use for school, and I was honestly scared out of my mind for the first time since Jake. I can't get past the feeling that I'm going to end up in the same position as before, being with someone that I can't get away from because I have no where else to go. I love him, but I can't be with him if he is going to continue to act like that. He knows he has anger issues, yet he doesn't even try to do anything to try to keep his anger under control.

No matter what I do or say, I can't seem to be good enough for what he wants. I can't be good enough to win. He wants everyone to be exactly how HE wants them, not accepting them for who they are. He tries to change everyone around him, trying to mold them to his "vision" of what they should be and how they should act. Every time we argue, no matter who starts the fight, he spends the entire time telling me everything that I do that's wrong, everything that I do that causes us to fight. He doesn't want to see that he is part of the problem, not part of the solution, especially because he can't see what he does that causes problems. 

I've tried to tell him that I want to be with him, but I can't if he is going to act the way he does, and it's like he doesn't even hear me, like it's in one ear and out the other. When I tell him that he needs to change or I'm gone, he doesn't even try to fight to keep me, which makes me wonder if he actually wants to be with me. But, of course, I can't ASK HIM if he wants to be with me, because (according to him) I'm trying to push him away by making him "second-guess" our relationship. I'm not trying to do anything like that. I just want to know what he's thinking, because he never wants to open up to me, when we are fighting or otherwise. I can't win. 

No matter what happens, I can't win. I can't be good enough for him. No matter how hard I try, it is always one step forward, five steps back.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do....

I love most of the members of my family, I truly do, but sometimes I just don't know what to do about them. My mother and I have never gotten along. Although I'm not sure why, I have my suspicions. She treated me like I was less than dirt while I was growing up, and to this day she does not want to talk about my childhood, or even admit that she could possibly have had something to do with the way I am now and all the animosity that I have towards her. She has told me more than once, and not in anger or spite, that she wishes she had never had me. She has said nothing of the kind to my two brothers mind you. Just me. How can a parent say that to their child? The human being that you gave life to, you have no problem telling her that you never should have had her. And she doesn't even want to begin to believe, or even contemplate, that she has something to do with the fact that my self-esteem is in the toilet, has been for years, and I feel like I'm a failure at everything I do. I've tried therapy, counseling, medications, everything that you can think of to try to change the way I feel about her and about life and things in general, but all of that can only do so much. If my mother cannot believe or contemplate that she is as least a participant in this whole messy situation, then how in the world can things get better, and who else in the world can help me?

That being said, I feel a little history is in order. My mother, from my very first memory, always treated me like I was lower than my two brothers, like she was ashamed to have given birth to a girl. Every time that it came to getting new school supplies and new clothes for school, my older and my younger brother both received completely new school supplies and a completely new wardrobe. Me? I was stuck using the leftover school supplies from last year, and wearing clothes that were too small for me, or threadbare, or stained, because she refused to by me anything new unless I absolutely had to have it. And even then, it became a huge fight between my mother and my dad, as to the importance of getting me new clothes. Now I started developing at a very early age. I got my first period the night before 1st grade started. (I know it seems like it's not possible, but I swear it is. I should know, because I was there.) Now my mother had never explained anything to me about developing and periods because she thought that I was going to be a "late bloomer" like she was, seeing as she didn't get her first period until she was almost out of high school. When I went to the bathroom before going to bed, I saw blood on my panties and freaked out. So I called my mom to come upstairs and help me. What does she do? She sends MY DAD up to talk to me, because my mother was "too tired" to deal with a scared child. Gee, thanks mom. I get to talk to my dad about feminine issues at 8 YEARS OLD. What the hell was wrong with you? What the hell is still wrong with you? If I wouldn't have lived with my mother for 15 years of my life, and witnessed all the things that she did wrong, and all the things she didn't do, that a mother is supposed to do for her children, I wouldn't believe it. But I was there, and unfortunately she still does shit to me, even though I'm an adult now, with a daughter of my own.

This is going to be one long blog post, considering I have tried and tried to skip over events in an effort to just hit the big parts and focus in on the big events, but I can't. Everything my mother did, no matter how small, is tied into everything else. So, on from first grade and my first period. These memories may not be in the correct order, because I have repressed a lot of things that happened while I was growing up, so if this jumps around, deal with it or don't read it. Simple as that. I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but this is my blog, not yours.

My next memory is of my older brother taking me out into the yard between the two big bushes that were at the corner of the driveway in New Berlin, that was on the right side of the two parking spots that were between the garage and the yard. My older brother took me out there and forced me to have sex with him. Now at the time, I was so damn scared of my older brother and what he would do to me if I told anyone, so I didn't do or say anything. My mother caught him doing it to me one time, he was in his bedroom, and yet my mother blamed everything on me. She said it was MY fault that my older brother did what he did, that it was MY fault that he did it more than once. She never sat him down and told him that was he was doing to me was wrong, that he could have gotten me pregnant. She never told my dad about what happened and Dad didn't know until much later that anything was going on. My mother never let my dad be a "parent", because my mother was raised to believe that the mother took care of the kids and the home, and the father worked and that was all he did. A few times, my older brother decided to bring my younger brother into it, and it was both of them against me. I still didn't say anything, because my mother babied my younger brother; to her, he could do no wrong. So I knew from a young age that I didn't mean anything to her, and that if I had a problem, she wasn't the one to go to for help. It finally stopped when I was about 10, when my dad was home from work one day and saw my older brother taking me out to the bushes. My dad felt so bad about it, I could tell, because he hadn't been told about it previously and even worse, my mother knew about it and didn't do anything about it beforehand. But all that was done was my dad and my mother talked (yelled) to my brother and told him not to do it again. That's all. No report was ever made, no charges were ever filed, because my mother did not want "her good family name" to be drug through the mud with the investigation and statements and everything. So once again, my older brother does something wrong, and nothing is done. But I was the one that was the victim.

After that incident, my brothers and I never got along. They teased me, saying that when I walked into the room, I made the radio skip, because I was fat. I was a size 10 until I got pregnant. But to my brothers, I was "fat". Because my brothers teased me a lot, about anything that they could think of, and nothing was done about it, my self-esteem went down the drain and my mother and I started fighting. A lot. We got into fights about everything from the way I dressed to the way I "complained" about my brothers teasing. I would go to her when I couldn't take the teasing anymore, and tell her what they had said. She told me to "grow up" and "grow a thick skin" and "stop being a baby, people will tease you all your life". She never once told them to stop teasing me, or told my dad about what they were doing, or told me to ignore what they were saying, that what they were saying was untrue. No, she never once did anything to make me feel like I was wanted, like I had a mother instead of just a woman that I lived with. And my brothers made sure that they didn't do anything while my dad was home, because they knew that my dad would raise hell. My mother didn't do anything because she "didn't have time for (my) whining". So my mother and I started fighting. I told her she was a bitch, that she didn't care about me, and that as soon as I was old enough, I was going to run away from her and my miserable life there to go somewhere else and finally be happy. We got into knock down, drag out fights. And of course, my brothers always made it seem like it was my fault that my mother hated me, that we fought all the time and got into fist fights. There were many times when I knocked her to the ground and just had so much rage, not anger, actual rage, that I wanted to kill her. That's how much my mother affected me, and I was only 10. So in 10 years, my mother proved to me that I was there only because she had a legal obligation to take care of me. She did the bare minimum of what was required of her, and even then, she got that only marginally right.

From age 10 to age 15, that time of my childhood was mostly just me and my mother fighting and my brothers teasing me. My mother did not allow my dad to have anything to do with me and my brothers, other than taking us out on the boat and cutting the grass and taking care of the pool. Those are pretty much the only things that I remember my dad being able to do while my parents were married. So all the fighting and hitting and yelling was pretty much the only thing that I can remember from age 10 to 15. When I was 15, my mother started leaving me alone, pretty much ignoring me, unless there was something that needed to be done that my brothers refused to do, like cleaning the bathroom. Then, on Valentine's Day, 2001, I came home from school to my mother sitting at the kitchen table, which she never did, even if we were eating dinner. I said hi and went to go upstairs to do homework, which I always did after school. My mother told me not to do my homework, that I should instead start "packing (my) shit, because you're moving in with your father". My mother was in the kitchen to make sure that she didn't miss the phone call from my dad, because he was at work and she had left him a message to call her. My parents separated when I was 11 and the divorce was final shortly before I turned 13. So anyway, I went upstairs and started packing, not even arguing with her, because I had been begging her since my parents separated if I could go live with my dad. I hated my mother so much at this point that I honestly would not have cared if she died. So, after about two hours of packing and not hearing the phone ring, I went downstairs to see if he had called and I just didn't hear the phone, and if he hadn't called, if I could call him. Yes, I had to ask to use the phone. I was in a hurry to leave. I couldn't stand it there anymore. Well, my mother was on the phone with my dad, and I clearly heard her say "You take the fucking bitch, I don't want her anymore!" Then she hung up the phone. My mother turned around and saw me standing there and without apologizing for what she said or anything, she told me that I wouldn't be going with my dad that night, because he was with "his little slut", which was what my mother called his girlfriend, for Valentine's Day, and couldn't drive from Jefferson to New Berlin, because he had been drinking. So it would be the next day that he would be there. So I went upstairs for the night, because my mother told me that she wasn't going to feed me anymore, because I was "no longer her responsibility". I stayed home from school the next day, waiting for my dad to come get me. When he got there, there were no words spoken between him and my mother, other than "I'm here and we are going to take as much of her things as we can". My mother responded with "Make sure you don't take anything that doesn't belong to her, or was ordered to be yours in the divorce". That was it. She didn't say good-bye or anything. She went and hid in her home office at the back of the house and that was it. My dad and I loaded up his pick-up truck with as much as the two of us could get downstairs and into the truck. I had to leave my piano, which my mother later burned in the fire pit in the yard, and the majority of my clothes. I didn't care about the clothes, because I needed new clothes that actually fit, so I left them there. Dad said we would go shopping that weekend and get me clothes that fit. So we loaded up and left. We went to my old high school, New Berlin West, so I could say good bye to my cheer-leading squad and my friends and clear out my locker. Then it was on to Waukesha and getting registered at my new high school, Waukesha South, and get all my things into my dad's apartment. I was nervous about starting a new school in the middle of my freshman year, but I was happy to finally be away from my mother.

So then my "new life" started, being free to be me and not having to worry about being told I was stupid or fat or anything else of that variety. I started a new school, made new friends, was able to actually have them over to the apartment, something that I was never allowed to do while living with my mother, and I was actually able to have my first boyfriend. I came out of the protective shell that I had built up while living at my mother's. Sure, there were transitional issues, going from a home that had no rules whatsoever, to my dad's that had rules and consequences if you broke those rules. Because of all the issues I had developed from what happened with my mother, I was very rebellious. I had a lot of negative energy that I used to take out on my mother, but now my dad was the only person around to take things out on. That led to my dad calling the cops on my one night because I ran away to a friend's house and refused to come home. Then when the cops took me home, I wouldn't calm down and stop yelling and cussing and trying to leave. So I spent one night in Juvenile Detention. That taught me that I never wanted to be in jail or detention or anything like it ever again. After that, my dad started me in counseling.

The counseling seemed to work a lot. I stopped trying to take things that my mother did to me out on my dad, I stopped the lying and sneaking around, and I started doing better in school. Then, the March after I turned 16, I found out I was pregnant. That brought a whole new shit-storm to my life. My the fact that I was pregnant, no that wasn't the bad part. The bad part was the fact that my guidance counselor at school found out I was pregnant and called my mother to "confer with her about how to handle this". Now, when my father enrolled me in Waukesha South, my dad made sure that the office personnel and everyone involved knew not to contact my mother regarding anything to do with me, because there was something in the divorce papers that stated that if my mother kicked any of the three kids out of the house or they moved out on their own, before the age of 19, my mother gave up all legal rights as to their schooling, health care, etc. So when my mother kicked me out, which to this day she denies that she ever kicked me out. She says I left of my own accord. Whatever. Anyway, after my school counselor decided to go against that and call my mother, I had to spend three hours at school with my mother, talking to her and "trying to figure out what we are going to do". My mother wanted me to get an abortion, telling me "if you don't get an abortion, I want nothing to do with you or that bastard child". Needless to say, I was not going to get an abortion. The really bad part of all this was that my counselor decided to call my mother the same day that my parents had court to change the child support order, because from the time my mother kicked me out until they went to court, my dad was still paying my mother for three children living in my mother's home, when there were only two. So then, when my mother left to go to the court date, I quickly called my dad and gave him the heads-up on what my mother knew and what was probably going to be brought up in court that day.

During court, my mother stood up and wanted the judge to order a paternity test for my dad, because my mother believed that my dad was the father of the child that I was pregnant with. That's how sick my mother is. She has been diagnosed as bi-polar, for which she does not take any medication, because she says she's not sick, and "only sick people take medication". I believe that she is schizophrenic as well, because of how she acts and what she says. Anyway, the judge did not grant the order for the paternity test, and my mother was ordered to pay back all the child support that my dad had paid her for me living with her, while I was actually living with my dad. After that, I was thankfully separated from my mother. I did not have to have anything to do with her, unless it was my choice. The judge was not going to force me to spend time with my mother, when we so obviously did not get along. So I was finally free of my mother's grasp. Or so I thought.

My pregnancy was pretty uneventful, although I did have a bout of stomach flu where I couldn't keep anything down for a day. I called my doctor and he told me that as long as I could eat something the following morning, I should be fine. I was about four or five months pregnant at the time. Anyway, I was able to eat some soup the next day, and keep it down, along with some white soda, so I thought I was fine. My dad and I decided to go to the mall, because there was a Saturday sale and he needed something, I forget what. But I was standing at the counter with whatever it was that my dad wanted to get, waiting for the salesperson, while my dad went to look at some speakers for his truck that were on the clearance rack. In the whole 30 seconds that it would take my dad to turn to look at the rack and the box of speakers, realize that the speakers would work for his truck, and turn back around to come over by the counter, I passed out. Right at the counter, I passed out. No one was close-by, although there was an off-duty Brookfield paramedic that had just walked in the store. He saw me go down, and according to my dad, he called the store security and the ambulance and supported my head while we waited for them to get there. The paramedic did not see if I had hit my head when I went down, so he wouldn't let me get up for fear that I had a concussion. And the fact that I was pregnant. I was considered "high risk" because I was 16 while I was pregnant, so they wanted to make sure I was going to be ok. They loaded me up and took me to the emergency room at St. Joesph's Hospital, which was where I gave birth to my daughter in November 2002. After that, there wasn't anything physical that happened while I was pregnant. But my mother came back into the picture.

A few months before I gave birth, my mother decided that she was "sorry" for "what she had done", but had never fully explained to me what it was that she had done, that she was now apologizing for. Whether I truly believed that my mother had changed, or if it was just the hormones from being pregnant, I don't know, but I allowed my mother call and come to see me a few times. At the time, I don't know if it was an act, or if she was serious. I know now that at the time, she was back on her medication and wanted to make things right between us. She said she "didn't mean" what she had said about the abortion, and that she wanted to be the grandma to my daughter. Well, it turns out that my mother hadn't changed at all. It was all an act. Everything was fine, until I gave birth and my mother was there and she told me, when there was no one in the room, that she was going to set up an adoption for the baby, because she "didn't think that I could handle it", being a mother at 17. Well, I tried to tell my dad and my daughter's father and anyone else that would listen that I didn't want my mother around me, didn't want her around my baby. My daughter's father, Mike, didn't believe me. But then again, he's always been a "momma's boy", always doing what his mom wants him to do, not what's right for our daughter. But that's a whole other story.

Anyway, after my daughter was born, my mother decided, off and on, that she didn't want to be around my daughter, and then a few weeks or months later, she would decide that she did want to be around her. There were many times, as my daughter got older and could talk, that she would ask about "Grandma Rita" and when she (my daughter) was going to see her again. My mother would call and set up a time and a place to meet, because my mother was coming from Saukville, over an hour away from my dad's house in Waukesha. Then, when the day came to meet, my mother would call like 15 minutes before we were supposed to be there, and tell me that she had to cancel, but wouldn't give me a reason. So then I was stuck having to tell my little sweet daughter, who wears her emotions on her face, that we weren't going to be seeing Grandma Rita that day, that she (Grandma Rita) had to cancel, but that we would see her another day. I can't count all the times that I had to tell my daughter that, and then try to calm her down and wipe her tears. I know that that's what mother's are supposed to do for their child, but aren't they also supposed to try to keep them from harm? That's what I've tried to do, yet people are trying to paint me as a bad mother. But that's for another post as well.

Now I haven't actually talked to my mother in almost a year. I have exchanged a few e-mails, mostly because she had to stick her nose where it didn't belong and make up lies, but again, that's for another post. But since I have stopped talking to her, I have been happier. I have realized that there is nothing that I can do to change her. I can only change myself, which I have started, slowly, ever so slowly, to do. But now, for those that read this that know me, you will probably understand a lot more about me. And please don't ask about these things unless you are a very good friend of mine, because I don't talk about these things easily. But there you go. That's the miserable childhood that contributed to me being so screwed up. In case any of you were wondering.

Things that Really Piss Me Off.....

There are a lot of things that would piss of a normal person, but don't really bother me. But then again, there are some things that never used to bother me, but now they bother the hell out of me. I sometimes wonder if I'm becoming the narcissistic elderly woman at age 24.

Anyway, the first thing that really pisses me off is when someone speeds up to get in front of you on the freeway, then slows down to 10 miles below the speed limit, giving you no way to change lanes to get around them. ANNOYING!

The next thing that really pisses me off is people who stand in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store with their carts behind them, along the shelves, blocking anyone from being able to go down the aisle without being able to levitate themselves and their cart. You wouldn't do that while driving, park your car in the middle of the lane and then stand in the middle of the road, blocking on-coming traffic. That's not how it's done.

People who constantly have to make completely blatant, totally irreverent comments about things, especially while someone is talking to them and trying to get their point across. These people just like to hear the sound of their own voice.

People who stay up until all hours of the morning, then sleep until late afternoon, THEN complain about how they don't have the day-time to get anything done, like going to doctor appointments or making any calls to businesses that have normal day-time hours. WTF?! Don't you people not realize that there's a reason you don't get anything done?! It's called LAZINESS. Look it up....I can guarantee that there's a picture of all of you right next to the definition in the dictionary.

People who schedule their lives around T.V. shows, whether it is day-time or prime-time. I'm not talking about the people that know when their show comes on and they watch it when they are home. I'm talking about all the people that DVR their shows and spend every waking moment when they aren't at work, school, or sleeping watching all the shows that they "just can't miss". T.V. shows are not that important that you have to schedule your time around them. If the show if THAT important, turn into a cat lady, sit on your couch all day eating bon-bons, and we can mourn you in another 50 or 60 years as someone that was "eccentric", but whom we all know what just CRAZY!

Why do hot dogs come in packages of 10, yet the hot dog buns come in packages of 6 or 8? Who the hell decided on that one?

Why is the Vitamin D milk, which is supposed to be better for you that the other kinds, cost more than the Skim, 1% and 2%? Vitamin D is supposed to be so good for you, yet it's at least .50 to $1.00 more than the rest of them.

That brings me to another good point. Why do all the foods that are supposed to be "health food" or better for you than all the other food in the grocery store, cost so much more than the rest of the food? And all the food that "the experts" tell you is bad for you, are cheaper and taste so damn good?

I think that's all for now......There are so many other things that annoy me, yet so little time to write about them.

Introduction

Hi everyone. I'm Kat. I'm a 24 year old single mother of a beautiful 6 year old girl, who will b e 7 in November. I have an older brother, Matt age 25, and a younger brother, Bill age 22. I have what I consider an "adopted sister", she's been my best friend for almost 10 years and we are so alike, it's almost like we were separated at birth. I have a fantastic fiancee named Michael. He has 5 children of his own, ranging in age from 19 to 7. Thankfully, they don't all live at home, or I'd be going insane! :) I have two dogs, a Shih Tzu puppy named Ewok (because she looks just like the Ewoks from Star Wars) and a 15 year old Chow/wolf mix named Shadow.

Anyway, I'm a full-time student, going back for my Bachelor's degree in Business Management. I have an Associate's degree in Business Management and Accounting from Waukesha County Technical College. I graduated in December 2008. I am making plans to open my own custom car shop after graduation, hopefully with my sister and her fiancee, as she has the same Associate degree in Business Management that I have and her fiancee is going to school to be a mechanic.

This blog is mostly just for me to rant and rave about things that bother me, or things that are going on in my life that I can't talk to anyone else about or that I don't have anyone else to talk to. I have a sarcastic sense of humor, but I know when to be serious, most of the time. My mother is bi-polar, and I believe that she is also paranoid-schizophrenic, based on the past 24 years of dealing with her. She and I do not get along, mostly because I'm too much like my father. My parents divorced in 1997, when I was 12, but there was a lot of animosity between them long before that. I have tried to go to therapy, to try to get over the things that my mother did and how she treated me, but therapy can only do so much. That's another reason why I wanted to start a blog. Maybe someone will read this and be able to offer suggestions that might help. Otherwise, I guess this blog is so I can vent things so I don't take things out on my fiancee.

Anyway, I think that's it for now. I'll be sure to add more blogs later.